A Word of Prayer With Myself

It’s the week that most childless women dread the most, the week many of us call “hell week”…the week leading up to Mother’s Day.   For years I joined in with the collective pity party of the non-moms, and while there’s a solidarity, an us-against-the-fertile-world feeling there’s not any real comfort in it, and honestly, it’s never made me feel better about the day

Mother’s Day is not really what I want to address  in this post though.  I’ve had to come to some very harsh realizations lately based on some circumstances and relational issues.  So, when I say what I say below please note I’m talking more to myself than anyone out there.  I just hope that, maybe, as an infertility/childless veteran I can spare someone  the same pitfalls I’ve experienced.

Are you ready?  Are you sure?  Here comes the sage advice from nearly 20 years of chidlessness….

Just get over it.

Is that a collective gasp I hear throughout the childless blogosphere?  Will I wake up to comments of outrage  in my inbox in the morning?  Maybe, but hear me out.  Again, this is me having a word of prayer with myself.

How many more years are you going to spend pining away for that child you’ll most likely never have?  How many more times will you let that non-existent child keep you from happiness?  God gave you one life to live, and while you’d like to march right up to His throne, stomp your foot, and demand an explanation for why He didn’t give you children that’s not going to happen.  So, the best thing you can do is trust His sovereignty and hand him all the mess and pain and tell Him he can have it.  (Disclaimer) If you don’t believe in God then give it back to the universe, mother nature, or whatever entity you believe controls everything.  If you believe in nothing then it’s all a moot point anyway, and so you better get over it and live this life to the fullest, right, because when it’s over it’s over.

Really, what good are you doing to yourself by dragging it with you like the proverbial ball or chain?  Quit waking up in the morning and putting on your garment of pain and self pity.  Honestly, it’s not attractive.  It’s a heavy, moth-eaten old garment of mourning.  It’s made of scratchy wool; it stinks; it weighs you down so get rid of it.  You’ve grieved long enough.  Even in the olden days the period of grief when a loved one died was usually one year.  While your grief is different it’s still grief.  You’ve been mired down in it for years, and it’s time to snap out of it.  Get help to snap out of it  if you need it.

I’ve come to another big realization…your family/friends don’t understand.   They really don’t, and that’s why they sometimes/many times they come off as aloof and uncaring.  They don’t know how you feel (unless they’ve been there themselves), and what they want is you and not this constant grief and sadness you emit.  This is particularly true with your spouse.  If you’re relatively new to this path your spouse may be very understanding.  They may go out of their way to do things to make you happy.  You know the worst thing you can do when they’re trying to make you happy?  Not be happy.  I’m sure your spouse is wonderful, but after years and years of trying to pick you up out of the mire they will eventually run out of emotional resources to continue.  They are dealing with this too, and you are doing them no favors by constantly wanting them to wallow in the mire with you.  Heck, some of them will eventually pack their bags and leave… if not physically then emotionally and intimately.  Don’t let that happen to you.

I wish I could say that there is some magical formula to make this happen.  There’s not.  It’s really making up your mind and determining in your heart that it’s time.  This may be a place you come to on your own, or like me, circumstances may drive you there.  I do, however, have a few ideas on changing your mindset.

• Appreciate each day.  Wake up and instead of putting on that horrible garment of pain put on some light comfortable garments of gratitude and think about what’s good in your life.  Even if you’re not where you’d like to be there is something good going on in your life.  Think about that  instead of the negative things.
• Appreciate what childlessness gives you.  If I’d had children when I wanted to I’d be dealing with teenage angst and college tuition bills.  I will never have to deal with either.  I have more disposable income, and I am free to change the direction of my career or even my address without the added stress of, “How will this affect the children?”  Face it, I have more freedom even if I would’ve given up that freedom gladly for children.  I might as well enjoy the freedom because I have it.
• Plan a kick-butt vacation even if it’s a mini-one like we did last weekend.  We spent two nights in a B&B and did a bike trip down the Virginia Creeper Trail in Damascus, Virginia.  It didn’t cost too much, and we made some awesome memories.  Even if you can’t afford a couple of days take a short day trip near your own backyard.  As Ellie in up said, “Adventure is out there!”  You just have to get  your depressed, lazy butt up off the couch and find it.
• Start dreaming again.  This is something I am actively having to work on.  It doesn’t come easy for me because my dreams stopped when I realized that children weren’t coming.  It was easier not to dream anymore and avoid any further pain.  What I am realizing is that by not dreaming I was causing myself more pain in the long run.

Again, this is a very blunt and direct post and a trip to the woodshed for myself, but sometimes instead of patting each other on the back and saying “there, there” sometimes we need to give each other and ourselves a swift kick in the bum.

So, consider this the swift kick we all need.

 

 

Chaotic Musings of a Less-Than-Spotless Mind

Uh-oh, I want to write, but I have many topics swirling around my head at the moment, so I’m going to ride the wave of wandering thoughts.  Maybe later I’ll write more extensively on some of the thoughts later if they decide to become cohesive.

• Since my husband is  traveling for business more…which is 100% more than he was traveling last year…I have to spend up to two weeks at a time without my spouse.  Other than our stint at a commuter marriage last year this is a relatively new experience for me.  At first I revel in the, “He’s gone, so I can do anything I want when I want” euphoria, but several days in the euphoria wears off, and I just want him back home.  Of course, I work full-time during the week so I cope pretty well during that time, but the weekends can be a HUGE challenge.  Of course, I could schedule my weekend social calendar out the ying-yang, but I also need downtime for rest and energy renewal.  My problem is I’ve never had to learn to be alone without being lonely.  Many of us haven’t.  Being Ms. Practical that I am I decided that Google might help me find some resources, and sure enough, I found some interesting and creative ideas about how to enjoy being alone.   You really have to practice at it.  Alone-ness is really not a popular concept in our culture which demands we always be connected to someone either face-to-face or through technology and social media.  This video really spoke to me in it’s creative and artistic way: 
• I had a woman at church come up to me after service last week and offer to pray for me.  She said that she could sense that I was struggling with something.   I was.  It’s not been a good couple of weeks on the childless or relational front, and I found myself at church last Sunday in an a less-than-enthusiastic mood.  I’m sure I was exuding a wee bit of a Debbie Downer vibe as, let’s face it, I can be a wee bit of a Debbie Downer at times (just ask my husband).  Anyway, when you attend a charismatic church with high-energy worship and you sit on the pew like a bump on a log people notice.  So, maybe this is how this person noticed, but no matter, I did need prayer, and I did want assurance that God is not going to leave me in depression forever; so he sent this sweet little lady to pray with me.  Even though I go to a charismatic church it’s a megachurch and having people pray over you personally is not the norm, at least in my nearly decade of experience there.   I did tell her exactly what I was feeling, and how I struggle with depression over childlessness and the effect it’s had on my relationships and family.  Her response (loosely quoted) was, “I’m a mom, and I can’t say I know exactly how you feel, but I’ve struggled with situational depression, so I can relate on that level.”  She then said the sweetest, most thoughtful prayer I’ve ever had some pray over me.  Very uplifting and encouraging.
• Speaking of depression…while I’ve known for I while I suffer from it (along with anxiety), but I’ve never really owned it.  Last weekend I watched the movie, Girl Interrupted, and while I’ve never been depressed enough that I thought I needed hospitalization (others in my life might disagree) I could really relate to the main character of the film (the film was based on her real-life experience in a mental institution).  It made me want to learn more about depression and how it affects the sufferer and those who love them.  I found a book called  Is It Weird in Here or is it Just Me?written by a depressed man while he was in a mental institution.  While I take comfort in the fact that I don’t think my depression is severe I also find it sobering that I can completely understand how he feels in his depression, and how even though you know your thoughts and feelings can oftentimes be irrational and lie to you your emotions can sometimes take complete control and have an epic battle with your logical thought.  Still reading it, but I can already say that it’s a good read especially for folks who have loved ones who are depressed and don’t understand why they can’t just snap out of it.
• Planning a weekend getaway for early May with my husband, and I think it’s going to ROCK as long as the weather cooperates.  I’ll definitely write about that experience one way or the other.  Traveling is always good therapy for me even when  I have to  fight off the anxiety monsters who want to keep me miserable on trips sometimes.

I think that’s about it for the moment.

When Hope Seems Cruel

I’ll admit it,  I’ve been caught up in the whole Hunger Games hysteria.  It started  innocently enough.  When I found out that the movie was being shot in North Carolina; more specifically, the arena scenes in my home county in forests that I frequented as a child, and the capitol scenes in my current city of residence, well, I had to read the books.

The books are not my typical genre of choice.  I’m not into dark story lines or stories that contain a lot of violence, but there was something about this story line that drew me in.   Since I  hail from Appalachia I’m  drawn to stories that originate from there, but I think what drew me in was the story’s main character, Katniss Everdeen.  In the books the story is told from her perspective.  If you don’t know the premise by now you’ve probably been living in a media-free cocoon, but simply Katniss is a 16-year-old girl who is primary caregiver to her younger sister and mother.  They live in a dystopian future under an oppressive totalitarian government that chooses 2 “tributes” from the 12 established districts (between ages 12 and 18) every year to participate in a gladiator-style, death match dubbed as “The Hunger Games”.    This is mostly for the entertainment of the privileged Capitol citizens, but it originated as punishment to the districts for a past uprising and serves as a yearly reminder that the Capitol is still firmly in control of every aspect of their lives.

I see some of myself  in  Katniss Everdeen although I’m not as brave as she.   She is an introvert by nature who has suffered painful loss in her life and is now just trying to survive her situation the best way she knows how.  There are people in her life that she loves dearly, but she has cut almost everyone off from becoming too close, because she is afraid that one day she will lose them.   In the movie she talks to her closest friend about never wanting to have children.   It’s understandable given the oppression she lives under.   On “Reaping Day” for the Hunger Games Katniss’ life changes forever in a moment of fate and choice.

Below  is a poignant scene in the movie (edited by the original poster for content–there was more said in this scene).   The President of Panem,  Corolanius Snow,  is speaking to the head gamemaker, Seneca Crane, about a situation happening during the games (not a spoiler if you’ve not seen the movie).  It speaks into a situation that has recently arisen in my life:

Why did that scene speak to me?  Well, recently, quite unexpectedly I was given an unexpected glimmer of hope concerning my fertility.   After many years of  fertility treatment and then many years of giving up I began having regular cycles on a drug (natural progesterone) that in and of itself shouldn’t have made my cycles regular.  To say that I was utterly shocked by my doctor’s declaration that I am most likely ovulating is an understatement.  I was FURIOUS!

That might seem like an odd reaction to news that just ten years ago would’ve thrilled me, but I was/am angry.  After all those years of hoping and praying and trying expensive fertility treatments it turns out that simple natural progesterone was the magic trick for me…at least to produce ovulation.  Now that I am 43 speeding on towards 44 it all seems like a cruel joke…too little almost too late.

I told my husband and a trusted friend the day I found out.  I cried my eyes out, and I  still can’t speak about it without crying.   I don’t think either of them understood my absolute devastation at hearing this news.   That simple statement totally eroded several years of healing I’d done in an attempt of finally coming to grips that we would forever be childless.   Of course, this brings up  a whole myriad of questions that I wasn’t emotionally prepared to deal with:

Could I actually get pregnant?  Do I want to get pregnant?  Could I survive a pregnancy loss?  Could I deal with a very high-risk pregnancy which is what it would be at my age?  And the biggie…do I actually want a baby at my age?

I do have answers to those questions; however, I’m not at peace about my answers.   On one hand I want to give God every opportunity to fulfill his intended will for my life and to give joy and hope to the people in my life that I love dearly, but on the other hand I’m not sure that pursuing the glimmer of hope I have been given is in my best interest or that  a positive outcome is even remotely possible.   I’ve  lived so many years on emotionally shaky ground that hope at this point seems like yet another doorway to heartache and pain.  That’s why right now I can relate to the hope being stronger than fear principle and like President Snow I just want to contain it before it reeks any more havoc.

Thoughts after Trauma

For two weeks after my dad’s accident I lived at a hospital.  Well, not 24/7, but mom and I spent upwards to 10 hours there everyday.  My mom has been there almost an additional week beyond me.  I had to return to work this week.  I’m happy to say that my dad is being transferred to an inpatient traumatic brain injury rehabilitation program today, so the hospital vigil will officially end for my mom.  I’m encouraging her to get some much-needed rest and not spend her every waking hour at the rehab with dad.

Like I said  in my last post my perspective changed while spending every day in the hospital.  I hesitate to say my life became simpler given the seriousness of my dad’s injuries, but in a way life did become simpler.  My entire focus was on being an advocate of my dad’s care and support person for my mom.  Of course, I had to make sure all my responsibilities were being handled at home and at work, but once that was settled I could put all my energy into that main focus.

For the first time in a long time I felt I had a purpose, an important one, and that I was very needed by someone.   Yes, at times it was exhausting (still recovering from that) and my emotions were on a crazy roller-coaster (still recovering from that too).   On particularly bad days there were times I called my husband and virtually cried on his shoulder, but most of the time I surprised myself at how totally in control, assertive and stable I was  in the midst of a traumatic and life-changing time for my family.

While I’m definitely ready for this situation to be behind us I’m already missing that time when my life seemed to have real purpose.  Coming back to real life (the rat race) where my life purpose seems a little ambiguous has been more difficult than expected.   I felt whole and complete caring for my parents which is actually going to be an ongoing task with new dynamics depending on how well my dad  recovers from his brain injury.  Trying to manage this from 2-1/2 hours away may prove to be more challenging than I’m equipped for, but as with the acute care of my dad I just have to rely on the Lord to make a way and give me management skills and the emotional/physical fortitude that I don’t possess at the moment.

Again, the  situation has prompted me to question many things in life, and there are no simple answers.  Things were happening prior to my accident that already had me questioning whether or not I was going to remain where I am much longer (I’m being vague here, because, you know, it’s the internet).   I’ve felt for several years that  I’m being pulled in too many directions, stretched too thin, and the last few weeks has amplified the feeling that I need to simplify life and focus on family more.

Honestly, I have no idea what that looks like or how it is to happen, so I’m giving it to God.  If He truly wants this for me he’ll make a way.  I’ve often said that the upside of not having children is that I will be more available for mine and my hubby’s aging parents.  In some ways that’s true, but because of life and the reality that bills still have to paid it makes the the execution of this very challenging.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned through all of this is don’t take your family for granted.  While I know that losing my parents is inevitable (unless I go before them) I kept telling myself, “They probably  have at least 10 good years left”.  Life is so fragile.  It took spending a week in a neuro-trauma ICU waiting room to realize just how unpredictable and fragile life is.

ICU Perspective

I write this sitting in a Neuro trauma ICU waiting room.  At approximately this time last Monday I got the news that no one wants to get.  My dad had had an accident.  He had been cutting a tree on his property.  The tree didn’t fall exactly where he planned, and he didn’t get out of the way fast enough.  He was being airlifted to a trauma center.  Of course, I immediately dropped everything and drove two hours to the hospital terrified of what I would hear when I got there.  I prepared myself for the worst.  I don’t think I’ve ever prayed so fervently in all my life (except when my husband had to have emergency surgery).  I was almost relieved when I was told he just had a skull fracture and a small subdural hematoma and no other injuries; however, we spent nearly a week waiting for him to wake up not knowing if he ever would.

He did wake up yesterday, and today he was extubated and attempting to talk some and wants to go home!  It’s going to be a little while before that happens though.

Spending a week in the neuro trauma ICU is a vivid lesson on the fragility of life.  I’ve seen gunshot victims, knifing victims, car accident victims and another tree cutting accident victim that is much more injured than dad.  Dad’s ICU neighbor is a 20-something young man who started having strokes for some yet-to-be-determined reason.

It will take some time and rest to fully process how this week has affected me, but I know I will walk away from this experience with an entirety new perspective on some things.  I know for certain that what was a big deal to me at 3:00 p.m. last Monday is not such a big deal to me today.

On Giving Birth in the Dream World…

Birthing dreams…those are the worst.  I’ve had several over the last twenty years.   I probably average one or two a year now.  They were more frequent in our early years of trying to conceive, since obviously, my mind was often consumed by my desire to get pregnant.  Even though I’ve (mostly) moved past the  point that I desire to have a baby…although I’m doing nothing to prevent it; still allowing God room to do a miracle though I’m not expecting it…having birthing/baby dreams are the thing that rattles me the most at this point.

I cope pretty well now with the big stuff that used to send me into a deep depression.   I can go to baby showers, go to the hospital and see a friend’s newborn, and a year later go to that first milestone birthday party.  It’s the stuff that goes on inside my head, especially in my subconscious, that can send me into a tailspin more quickly than anything.  I think it’s because during the dream there is such a sense euphoria then upon awakening I’m back to harsh reality.  Needless to say, the ensuing day/days are never my best mood wise even when the dreams are on the bizarre side (sometimes I dream I give birth to a baby but once it’s put in my arms it’s one of my cats—I’m sure a psychologist could have a heyday interpreting that!)

So, I had one last night.  It went something like this:  I was taking a bath when quite suddenly I began having “pains”.  The next thing I knew I was giving birth right there in the bathtub.  It was sort of a “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” scenario.  I gave birth to tiny, premature, yet healthy baby girl.  Hubby would not let me get out of the tub, so I drew her to me and began to nurse her (I always nurse in my birthing dreams—another interesting aspect a shrink could have a field day with).  Hubby called the paramedics, and they came.  I was embarrassed that the paramedics were seeing me naked, but it was a passing embarrassment, because I was elated and surprised that I had a baby girl!  After that the dream kind of trailed off.

It wasn’t the last dream of the night, so upon awakening I didn’t really remember it until I started taking a shower…in the flowing water the memory of that dream hit me like a ton of bricks.  Then I was hit with a depression that almost rendered me unable to go to work, but I powered through, although  the memory of the dream has haunted me all day.

I really wish those dreams didn’t jar me as much as they do, but because I’m dealing with the subconscious I can’t fight off the tidal wave of feelings they dredge up like I can do with waking thought.

Here’s to hoping I have sweet and baby-less dreams tonight…

So Long Insecurity??

I think one of the things I hate most about this “condition” is how insecure it makes me feel at times.  Of course, in my teenage years I went through the standard bouts of identity crisis and insecurity and a bad boyfriend relationship that eroded my self-esteem a good bit.  By the time I was a senior in high school I had come out of that a good bit bolstered by a new uplifting boyfriend (who went on to become my husband) and personal achievements that led me to believe that I was a smart and capable young woman who might just make something out of her life.

This new-found confidence and new-found love continued on through college.  While I had the usual post-high-school adjustments and learned to adapt to both the working and college worlds I was mostly a happy and confident person.  I graduated college with honors and  was looking forward to married life with the love of my life.

Marriage was a bigger adjustment than I had realized it would be.  While E and I dated for five years you never truly know a person until you live with them; however, we were still happy, and I was adjusting to my new life fairly well and still had a good bit of confidence in myself and my abilities.

The erosion of my self confidence didn’t begin  until a few years later when we were well into trying to conceive and nothing was happening.  At this point many of my friends already had their first children and some were  pregnant with their second.  I began to feel like a loser, and while I continued to advance in my  career my self-esteem was taking hits every month I didn’t become pregnant.  It was like the continual drip, drip, drip of a faucet.  While at first it’s not that devastating, over time the disappointments and the perceived failures mount up into one big ball of aggravation and insecurity about one’s self.  This slowly began to bleed over into other aspects of my life.  It began to cripple me in taking risks in my career and in my personal life.  I started to believe that everything was going to end in disappointment so why try.  My whole life became eclipsed by this seemingly huge failure.

Over a decade later when it was decided that we were getting off the infertility rollercoaster the damage was done, and today I’m still working hard to repair the damage it did to my psyche.  There are other challenging life situations that have contributed to the damage, so I won’t lay the blame %100 on the infertility.  I also have to shoulder some of the blame on myself for allowing it to have so much influence on my sense of self and self esteem.

I read a lot of childless blogs and forums, and I have made some great friends.  While I hate that they’ve had to go through this difficult life situation too  it’s comforting to know that I’m not an oddball in how I have grieved and coped.  It’s probably one of things that has kept me this side of sanity.

However, I read about the remarkable women who find almost total healing.  They move on with their lives without children and find abundant happiness in their life after infertility.  Some even become thankful for their lack of children.  These women are superwomen in my eyes, and I so aspire to be like them.  While I’ve made significant strides in my life (I’ve moved onward and upward in my career)  I’m just not  there yet in my personal life.   When my husband is sad, mad, or stressed I worry that it’s about the childlessness, and will he one day leave me for more fertile and less jaded and bitter pastures?  When other “trigger” situations  arise I wonder if I’ll ever move on from the anger over the way I’ve/we’ve been treated differently by some family  simply because we don’t have children and bitterness over the obvious favor other family members get simply because they were able to reproduce.

So, while I know in some aspects  I’ve come a long way there’s still a lot to overcome.  I want to be one of those superwomen who gives infertility/childlessness a roundhouse kick to the face and finds happiness anyway.

Dichotomy is Thy Name

I’m so back and forth in how I feel about my childlessness these days.  My moods swing like a pendulum at times.  Last weekend, out of the blue, I had one of my off-the-charts anxiety attacks about it.  I don’t know where it came from.  I had a lovely Saturday morning and Saturday afternoon, but Saturday evening it hit me like a train.  I guess I started thinking about how much my life doesn’t seem to change from year to year, and with a whole new year stretching out in front of me it all feels so overwhelming.  I woke up Sunday morning with the wet blanket of depression on me.  It literally felt like I was carrying something heavy on my shoulders.  I didn’t go to church, and I cried on hubby’s shoulder for a couple of hours.  He was frustrated with me, because he doesn’t want/doesn’t know how to be my counselor.   I get over it pretty quickly, although I do carry around a low-level malaise most of the time.  Maybe that’s normal maybe it’s not, but I function well most days and have many good to down-right great days.  I think the low-level malaise is something you obtain after any great loss.  It’s always going to be lurking deep, down inside no matter how much you heal, and will rise to the surface if the conditions are just right.

I’ve been working on the anxiety (with related depression)  in the past few years, and I can say that it’s definitely more under control than it was two years ago, but I do have the occasional no good, rotten, very bad day.  Oddly, the bad days usually come during weekends and holidays when I have more down time and more time to think.  I’m a chronic over-thinker/analyzer, and believe me, there are days I envy the ditzy people of the universe.  Oh, to just turn my brain off would be bliss!

Fast forward to mid-week…I’ve been hearing of a lot of folks my age dealing with rebellious teenagers and prodigal adult children, and I think, “Whew!  I’m glad I’ll never have to deal with that!”  I even voiced this aloud yesterday at lunch with my coworkers.  They were talking about planning, applying, and paying for college and just listening to everything they have to do just wore me out.  When I told them that it’s things like this that makes me grateful I don’t have kids it led to a very open and honest discussion about kids vs. no kids.  I said, “Well, you’re going through these headaches now, but at least you’ll have someone to take of you in your old age.”  They said, “Oh, you can’t even count on that” which is true.  I knew it was a bad statement the minute  it left my mouth, but I was trying to comfort them in an awkward way.  Anyway, it was great, thoughtful conversation, and I think they understood my side somewhat.

So to sum it up…last weekend I’m in the throes of depression about my childlessness and at the end of this week I’m almost relieved to be childless.

Welcome to my life…

 

 

Year-End Reflections and Decisions

I’ve know I’ve been very intermittent in posting to this blog in the last year. A good blogger would write more often, but I guess I’m not a good blogger, so  I just don’t.  There’s an apathy that comes with acceptance.  I mean, acceptance in the case of childlessness is a good thing, but then you sort of make a conscious effort to start separating yourself from things that make you remember/focus on the pain.  I think that is a good thing for the most part.

I’m not a crusader.  I don’t have agenda with my blog.  This has always been a place where I could think out-loud publicly about what it’s  like to be a childless woman.  I’m not looking for hits nor am I trying to build an online persona, so sometimes I question why I even write here.  Is it for purely selfish reasons, or am I trying to resonate with someone?  I think it’s a little of both.  I’ve always been a little uncomfortable with the me-me aspect of a blog because I’m not a person who likes to draw attention to herself,  and that’s not a good trait for a blogger…so I hear.  I’m also not a person who wants to ruffle anyone’s feathers, so sometimes I censure what I say…again, not a trait a blogger should have.  I guess my main worry is that someone would read my blog and consider me a negative person or that family would read something I say and it offend or hurt them even though other than my husband I don’t think any of my family members are aware I have this blog.

Also,  I’m definitely not an optimist by nature although if you met me in person I’m sure you would find me outgoing,  happy, and witty.   I worry that those qualities don’t  shine through here because of the subject matter.   Unplanned childlessness is a subject matter that doesn’t lend itself to much levity.  Other than God Himself being able to laugh  is what has gotten me through so many crappy times.   So, be assured I laugh, A LOT!

I had a longstanding friend comment on a FB post I made about the Duggar’s having photos made of their stillborn child.  I was defending their choice.  If that’s  what helps  someone find closure, grieve, and have memories of that child that is completely fine  although that’s not what I would chose to do in my own situation.  I also made a side note concerning the Duggars that  I’m not of their philosophy of eschewing all birth control and having as many as you can.  My friend is of a similar mindset of the Duggars, and we were having a friendly little debate on the subject.  I told him that the only time I tried to control my fertility was the first two years I was married (birth control) but really I tried to control my fertility the ensuing 10 years after that by being on fertility medication intermittently.  Since then I’ve employed neither birth control nor fertility medicine.  I went on to say how difficult it has been.  His comment was:

“I know childlessness has been a great struggle for you, but it’s hard to remember, because you always seem so content.”

To me that was a big assurance that I don’t walk around with a little black rain cloud over my head all of the time.   I’m the first to admit that unplanned childlessness has affected my life and my outlook on life to a great extent; however, I think I’ve for the most part coped well and have been able to project to others (even during times I have to fake it) that I am okay.

With all that in mind I’ve contemplated shutting down the blog several times this year, but yet something has kept me from hitting the delete button.  I think it’s mostly because I have had so many people tell me that they appreciate what I write and have been moved/helped in some way by what I write.  If not actually helped they at least feel like there is at least one person in the world that understands how they feel.  That’s what keeps me writing even if it’s just once every couple of months.

On the personal front…the last six months have been challenging to say the least, and there have been some big lessons learned from those experiences.  There have been some tough subjects to deal with in my marriage and family, but we are getting through.  Middle age with its inherent crises has hit both my husband and I like a sledgehammer this year, but I think we’re finding some sense of a new normal and acceptance of the challenges middle age brings.  I also have a scary, yet fortunately, very intermittent health issue which reared it’s ugly head this month.  When I was worked up before all tests were normal or inconclusive,  and the side effects of treating the condition symptomatically was determined to outweigh any gain, so I have left this condition to it’s own devices (whatever it is),  as I’m not too inclined to get all upset and start going through tests again, but it is very upsetting when symptoms occur.

The most significant thing that’s happened lately is I lost a friend recently to cancer.  She fought it bravely for three years.  I knew it was going to hurt, but I could not fathom  how much I would grieve until it actually happened.  I believe it’s a big part of the reason my mystery health problem came to the surface again.  This friend still has children at home (the youngest being 12) and it’s really hard to see any good that is going to come of her passing, but that’s God’s department and not mine.  I just have to accept his decision to heal her in Heaven instead of on earth.

I’m also doing some purging of relationships in my life.  For others’ privacy I will not go into any detail, but the time has come for toxic people to leave my life either voluntarily or by force.  They have taken up way too much of my energy for years, and in some ways have affected my life and attitude more than unplanned childlessness.  Sometimes you just have to let go of bad relationships.

I hope you, my readers, will also do some positive purging of  negative things/people in your lives that keep you for experiencing life to it’s fullest.  Losing a good friend to cancer at age 45 has all too clearly reminded me that life is too short not to be happy.

To a happy, prosperous, and healthy New Year!

The Commuter Marriage is Over

Yes, the short-lived commuter marriage is over.  The long-term, abide-in-the-same-house marriage is alive and well.

Hubby resigned his position with the international wireless company this week.  The work-related separation from me and family was just too much to handle.  God worked many a miracle this week.  He is returning to his former position here at the non-profit Christian organization (where I also work), but that position has been modified to be something that will probably suit his skill-set much better.  He is being “reinstated” instead of “rehired” which means he retains all his seniority and his vacation accrual rate.  It was just amazing how it all worked out.  He wanted to come back, and they wanted him back no questions asked.   We’re both grateful.

The wireless company was great about all of this too.  They were willing to try and find him a position closer to home if he would stay, but hubby had already made up his mind that he was going back to his former employer.  He left the wireless company in good standing, and the issues leading to the decision were more personal than professional.  He was doing well there and was already a valued employee.

To put it loosely in my husband’s words sometimes you have to step outside of what you know to realize that what you had was really where you ought to be.  Through this I’ve also realized that what truly makes our house a home is for him to be there, and that even though we don’t have children we are a family in every sense of the word…smaller than most, but truly a family.