Random Thoughts on a Winter’s Day

I just read a great post by Holly who wrote about her struggle with infertility.   Sometimes I struggle with whether or not I have truly laid my desires before God like Hannah did in the temple.  I lay them down…then I pick them up…I lay them down…then I pick them up…ad infinitum.  No wonder I end up with a spiritual backache!

Winter is hitting hard in the Carolinas.  This is about the coldest, most wet, stormiest, iciest Winter I can remember in a long time.  We had a snow/sleet storm last weekend which dumped 4 inches of frozen mess.  It pretty much kept us housebound for the weekend.  It was good though.  I got my closets clean!  They are predicting more rainy/snowy/icy weather starting tomorrow night.  Well, we were long overdue for a hard winter.  The winters we have experienced since moving to Charlotte have been down-right Florida-like…well…maybe not exactly Florida-like…but definitely South-Georgia-like!

My hormones have been a mess.  I have come to the conclusion that I’m going to have to take progesterone pretty much everyday (per my doctor’s recommendation).  However, I don’t like the synthetic stuff.  It just doesn’t agree with me.  I requested the natural progesterone (Prometrium).  Imagine the sticker shock I got when I had to pay $110 for a 90-day supply through my mail-order outlet…which is SUPPOSED TO BE CHEAPER!  The reason it was $110 was because I had to meet a deductible this year (never had to before), but it’s still going to be $60.00 for a ninety-day supply.   It’s considered “top-tear” as there is no generic for it.  Hell0!!!!  Why isn’t there a generic for a naturally occurring hormone?!  The reason I asked for a script is because I could pay for it out of my FSA account.  I can order natural progesterone cream online without a prescription for around $20-30; however, I cannot pay for that out of my FSA.   I know my training and 14-year work experience was in medicine, but even with my experience it seems going through the hassle to save myself money usually only ends up costing me more!!!!  Ugh!

The pain of this year’s holidays is still lingering somewhat.  My hubby claims that he now hates Christmas because there is just too much hassle and drama between our pain of childlessness and trying to make our families happy.  So, the goal for 2010 is to somehow make the holidays less stressful; however, any plan we’ve come up with to this point seems like a Catch 22.  What we think will make us happy will only hurt our families…or at the very least cause misunderstandings which in turn will only cause us stress.  Oh well, we have around 7-1/2 months to come up with a workable plan.  I hope that will be enough time…

Well, enough of the randomness…time to do something productive.

Resolutions…Just Say “No.”

New Year’s Resolutions…blecchhh.  I’m not a big fan, although I have a made few in my lifetime.  I’m all about self-improvement, but after dealing with the complex emotions of the holidays who has true “resolve” to make yet another promise they’re not going to keep…not me.

Wintertime is not a highly motivational time for me.  I think I suffer to some extent from seasonal affective disorder, although I laugh at the concept of calling it a disorder.  I’d rather call it, “That-time-of-year-when-all-I-want-t0-do-is-lie-on-the-couch-watching-TV-and-consume-mass-quantities-of-comfort-foods.”  It’s winter and it’s cold, and that’s what happens to human beings in Winter.  Heck, bears hibernate for a good reason.  There’s really nothing else better to do.  So, I don’t think the fact that humans tend to be lower energy, less active or motivated this time of year should be called “a disorder”.  It should be called “normal.”

So, the pressure to massively change ourselves this time of year is not only misguided it’s an absolute recipe for failure.  For instance, when you pass by your local gym or fitness  center in January note the massive amount of cars in the parking lot.  Then note it again this time in February.  I would almost place a bet on this day in February there will be half (or less) of the current cars in the parking lot.  The cars that remain will be the cars of those who made fitness a life habit a long time ago.

Example…I’ve needed to shed a few pounds (okay, several)  for a long time.  This time last year I was some 23 pounds heavier than I am now.  Did I decide that I was going to lose 23 pounds in January of last year?  No.  I decided to start losing weight around mid-July.  Why mid-July?  Because it’s easier for me to try and lose weight in mid Summer after my yearly vacation and the Fourth of July are over.  I can get outside and exercise, and my appetite is much reduced in Summer anyway.   It just makes sense to me.  If I had tried to lose that weight starting in January I know I would’ve doomed myself to failure.

Like it says in Ecclesiastes there is a “time for everything…”  While January may be a good time to start changing a particular thing in your life it might not be the time to start changing others.  While I’m sure there are people who start new habits in January with great success I’m not one of them.

I read a good blog post today about resolutions and how overwhelming they can be.  This person said instead of making resolutions to change several things in our lives it was better to pick one word to encompass all you want to do this year.  Basically what you do is write down all of the things you want to change about yourself or your life (I know…that can be overwhelming in and of itself).  Review and think about these things and then pick one word to cover all of them.  It narrows down that overwhelming list into something more manageable.

Example:  I have picked the word “maturity”.  I want to become a more mature person in many aspects of my life…in my relationships (both with God and others), professionally, and emotionally.  That word pretty much covers all the  items on my self-improvement list.  Do I need to lose more weight?  Yes, but right at this moment I’m not getting down on myself for not having the motivation to push forward.  I’m trying to maintain my weight and the good habits I learned in the last six months then when the weather warms up  I’ll have to motivation to push forward with more weight loss.

So, doesn’t concentrating on one word seem less daunting than making many promises that we’ll most likely end up breaking anyway?

Makes sense to me…

Will 2010 Be Better Than 2009?

I’m sitting here reflecting on the past year and contemplating the new one to come.  2009 certainly had its challenges, but it had it’s good points too.  Now, with that said I would not say that 2009 was a good year.  While, thankfully, hubby and I didn’t lose our jobs this year we saw many friends walk that path, and it wasn’t easy being a layoff “survivor”.   Morale has been very low even though we all understood why the layoffs had to happen.  Reorganization and missing old co-workers is a challenge and difficult for the “survivors”.   Also in June my boss…who is also a good friend…decided after two years of turmoil in her position that it was time for her to voluntarily say goodbye.  Because of her decision my job description underwent a massive redefinition since I had been my boss’s assistant as well as transcription coordinator…not to mention the many other duties that fell under the “other duties as assigned” label.   The transition to a new boss, new roles as well retaining 90% of the other duties I had before was not easy and still is a work in progress.  I not only have a new boss I also am sort of a “floating administrative assistant” meaning that I assist the folks who need me the most at any given time.  That means I’ve had to learn to be all things to all people and anticipate the needs and deal with the communication styles (or lack thereof) of several different people.  Not easy, but I have survived and am learning to live with a new normal…with the “normal” part changing daily.

Financially, things have not been that great.  One of the cost-cutting measures at work was not to give raises this year.  We’re trying to pay off debt, and when the cost of livng goes up and your salary doesn’t it’s hard to whittle away at that debt. It’s a challenge just to keep from going into more debt!  While I love my job, and am constantly expanding my skill set my hourly wage in the past 10 years has only gone up around $2.00.  That’s over the course of four job changes.  At this time I feel like I’ve hit a professional “ceiling” so to speak when it comes to what I make.  Eleven years ago I made a job change to increase my pay level.  Looking back it was a good thing, because I did increase my pay level, but I had to endure some pretty crappy treatment by a terrible company for about two years.  Fortunately, I then moved on to better things and eventually a 90% career change altogether, but again, I find myself at a dead end.  Should I be looking at other options…taking more risk?  I feel that I would be a good manager of projects, but I wouldn’t be a good manager of people.  Finding that sweet spot between happiness, skill set vs. personality, and money is really a challenge.  My husband is also dealing with similar career issues, although his are a little worse.  He’s not happy with what he’s doing at all at the moment.

Then, like I’ve been whinning about the last several days, there’s the constant hole in my heart over children…the disappointment that just keeps on giving.  It would be bad enough if it were just me, but again, I see the pain and suffering of those around me.  I see my husband at his wit’s end in dealing with how this journey has changed me as well as trying to deal with the gaping hole in his life.

Sometimes it all seems like too much, and like it’s never going to change and it’s never going end.  Things will change, I know.  I look back at where I was on December 31, 1999 and my life is very different in 2009 even though some of the same issues plague me now as they did then.

So, I go into 2010 with with cautious optimism that maybe this coming year will be a time of renewal and a hope in our lives.  Will there be challenges?  Absolutely! Will there be good times?  You betcha!  I just pray that I/we will be able to move forward in many areas of our lives this year and learn to savor the good and make the least of all that’s not.

Holding on a Little Better

I feel I need to post a follow up to yesterday’s painful post.  The thing about this journey is that everyday is different.  Monday was horrible…probably one of the most horrible days I’ve had in a while, although I’ve had several of “those days” in the last couple of months.  I feel like I’m living in some kind of nightmare that only happens to others.  Granted, things could be a whole lot worse, and I know that; however, when something is not right in your life or the life your spouse, and the situation seems to have taken on a downward spiral of its own at that point it sure seems like things can’t get much worse.

What started it all is that our trip back from our hometown was filled with tears, screaming, and blame for the condition in which we find ourselves.  It seems that the trips to our hometown are always what light a fuse for us.  Now, it would be easy if we could just avoid “going home” all together, but that’s not possible without causing all kinds of hurt feelings and family drama.  More drama is exactly what we don’t need right now.  Honestly, as much as we love our hometown and family, going home…especially around the holidays always proves to be an exercise in torture.  My parents…well, my mom especially…are clingy to the point of being jealous of the time we spend with anyone else.  On the other hand hubby’s parents are too focused on their daughter and her children to really pay much attention to us.  This time all of their focus was on “the baby” and every little coo, giggle, and cute face he made.

Oh, he’s adorable alright.  It’s totally understandable why they make such a fuss over him.  I spent a lot of my weekend making a fuss over him myself…holding him, feeding him, lavishing his chubby cheeks with kisses, but inevitably in a couple of days it’s time to go home to “our life” which hasn’t been a bed of roses for a long time.  I think this time the thought of coming home for my husband was almost too much, while I could not wait to get home and away from all the frustrations of trying to make my family, hubby’s family, and hubby happy for Christmas.   In the end nobody was happy, and I felt that burden so heavily.

It’s my stupid womb yet again…”a dry barren, place where my (husband’s) seed can find no purchase”. (Quote from the movie Raising Arizona).

It seems that my reproductive system is the reason that no one in my family can have a merry Christmas.  I knew that when Thanksgiving ended in tears, a trip home two weeks ago ended with my mom in tears and accusing us of things that weren’t true that this year the holidays were going to suck again.  I tried everything I could to make them good.  I decorated, I did 98% of the Christmas shopping.  I baked and cooked myself into exhaustion all while trying to take care of two sick cats, hold down a full time job and keep our household running,  In the end none of it worked.  Everyone in my family was determined to be depressed and irritable for Christmas, and yet again, it felt like it was all my fault.

So by the time I left my hometown on Monday, had to endure my husband’s stoney silence for an hour I lost it, and it all came gushing forth like a dam bursting under flood waters…and it wasn’t pretty.

Things improved on Tuesday.  I think both of us really needed to be home whether we (hubby especially) realized it or not.  Fortunately, we are off from work this week, and it has been lovely to just rest and not worry about having to be somewhere at any specific time.  Last night we went with some friends to see Avatar and had a great time.  This morning we stayed in bed extra late and were able to talk calmly about how things need to change for us.  We’ve let so many outside forces into our marriage and our home.  To protect our home and marriage has become our shared New Year’s resolution.  I hope it sticks.

Things are not 100% better.  My husband is grieving and is finding it hard to face the rest of his life without being referred to as “Dad”.  I know that society would not frown upon him if he “put me away”.  He knows that he could without society doing as much as batting an eyelash, but as far as we’re concerned we have a “covenant marriage.” While divorce is not an option in our eyes on the bad days we wonder how much more this marriage can take.

So, we’re going to try to make the new year a time of renewal.  Oh, please let it be a time of renewal, Lord!

Barely Holding On…

The holidays were okay but ended in a crashing thud.  Right now, I don’t even know what to say but that I’m in the fight of my life, and it appears that I’m on the ropes.  I feel like I’m hopeless to do anything about the rapid deterioration going on at this moment in my life.  It’s like the problems have taken on a life of their own, and I’m powerless to stem the tide of their destruction.  I have been trying so hard to make everything better, but in the end all I seem to do is make things worse.  This journey has stolen so much from me…my love for life, my hope, my dreams, my sanity, and now maybe even the thing that has meant the most to me for so many years.

I’m crying out to Jesus, but He feels a million miles away.  Does He want this to happen?  Is this his will?  If it is then it goes against everything I was taught to believe about the sovereignty of my Lord.  I can’t resign to that…I can’t!

I can move past my disappointments, the failure of my body to do what it was supposedly intended to do, but I can’t move past what that failure has done to others…what it has affected on my marriage…especially my marriage…and in every other aspect of my life.

It is my proverbial thorn in the side, and right now it is burrowing in deeper than it ever has before.

The Obtuse

Obtuse definition (from dictionary.com):

1. not quick or alert in perception, feeling, or intellect; not sensitive or observant; dull.

They live among us…the Obtuse…those poor souls that you could hit over the head with a frying pan, and they still wouldn’t understand that you’re trying to get their attention and/or what you’re trying to say.

We all deal with the Obtuse at some point in our lives.  Unfortunately, for some of us, the Obtuse are members of our own family.

The Obtuse are the people who, while they may be aware of your childlessness, will insist on thrusting their baby’s pictures in your face or worse yet, thrusting said baby into your arms without first asking if it’s okay.

The Obtuse are friends or family members who don’t understand why you’re not giddy to attend holiday functions or church services where the focus is on children and which families will, yet again, be adding new additions in the upcoming year.

The Obtuse tend to take your lack of excitement in said events and/or participation very personally and most likely will tell you exactly how they are feeling.

The Obtuse are the people who after you send them an e-mail explaining why you and your husband are struggling with the holidays this year don’t even bother to reply much less say, “We understand, and we love you.”

The Obtuse have a way of making you feel like an outsider in your own family or social circles, and what’s even more frustrating the Obtuse don’t even realize (or care) that they are doing it so well.

So, beware of the Obtuse this holiday season and stay clear of them if it all possible.   Like the Grinch they have an uncanny way of stealing your holiday joy.

Most of all don’t be a part of the Obtuse.  One way to keep out of their ranks is to realize that many people deal with pain and loss during the holiday season.   Be sensitive at family gatherings.  If you know someone who deals with pain, loss, health challenges, or unfulfilled dreams simply give them a hug and say, “I love you, and I’m thinking and praying for you.”  Nothing else needs to be said.  You don’t have to understand exactly what they’re going through…all you have to do is simply convey that you know and you care.

Christmas 2009 at the Sprouse House!

Okay, enough of the depressing “Woe is me” stuff.  There is some “comfort and joy” going on around here.  I decided a few weeks ago that…darn it all…I’m going to do some Christmas decoratin’ come heck or high water!  It doesn’t matter that we’re hardly home around the holidays (spend most of the time 2 hours away with our families) and that we have to put things out of reach of our cats…I was going to decorate at least a little this year, so I did.

Besides we needed to kick ourselves in the pants a little and try to get ourselves out of our Christmas doldrums.  I think I succeeded.  Eddie…maybe not so much.

So, I climbed up into the attic…a feat in and of itself since 1)  I’m afraid of heights and don’t like climbing on ladders, and 2)  I have been deathly afraid of our attic since Eddie fell through the ceiling last year while in the attic.  Now, it wasn’t the attic’s fault.  It was just doing what an attic does, but he learned the hard way that bare sheetrock doesn’t a good support system make.

I pulled out what boxes I could reach.  I must stop here and say that we did not do a Christmas tree per se.  The reasons being 1) We have a kitten yet again this year, and kittens and Christmas trees are a sure-fire recipe for yuletide disaster, AND 2) Our artificial tree is languishing under several heavy boxes in the attic, and I just didn’t have the energy to dig it out and try to get it out of the attic without killing myself.

(What is UP with me and the numbering thing today?)

Besides…we have a perfectly good ornamental Spruce in front of our house that we paid over $100 for several years ago, and gosh darn it…that thing needs to earn it’s keep.  So, it is yet again our Christmas tree, although I will refrain from putting our presents under it since it’s outside, and it seems like Winter is going to be our official monsoon season this year:

Since we’re outside let’s take a look at our entryway shall we?

Entryway

There’s actually something spectacular here…I made the wreath a few years ago, and if you knew of my total lack of craftiness skills you’d understand why it’s such an accomplishment.  Probably wouldn’t make it into the pages of Southern Living, but it ain’t bad.

Well, I actually did decorate inside the house.  Let’s go in shall we?

Aren’t these just the cutest little signs?!  My brother’s girlfriend gave them to me Thanksgiving, and they’re hanging in my foyer (or foy-yeah if your all French and fancy).

This wreath is also in our foyer.  I just love the iciness of it.  It reminds me of the beauty of an ice storm (minus the power outages).  I’ll probably leave it up all Winter, because it’s loveliness goes beyond just Christmas.

Let’s move along into the living room…

Okay, I’m no interior decorator, but there’s nothing like a decorated mantle at Christmas.  If you have a mantle and you don’t have the time or energy to do anything else then decorate your mantle.  It does wonders!  I left my Willow Tree figurines there, because Willow Tree figurines are pretty much all-season don’t you think?  We won’t go into the semi-creepy fact that they don’t have actual faces, but they’re still romantic and pretty enough for Christmas.  See those little oil lamps on each end?  Yes, they actually work!  I found them at the Dollar Tree several years ago, and you guessed it…they only cost me a $1.00 a piece!!!  The tightwad and the Laura Ingalls in me were giddy simultaneously!

And the snowmen?  Well, I think I told somebody one time that I like snowmen…I mean, who doesn’t?  But I think the whole world heard me say it, because I have gotten nothing but snowmen-themed gifts since?  Really, a happy misunderstanding, because they are as cute as the dickens.  I just better never make the mistake of saying I like snakes or lizards or something.

This is a wreath I found a few years ago at the Big Lots.  It’s funky and fun…sort of like me.

Okay…we move into the Dining room/my husband’s work area.  I say that because he’s been working on refinishing our stairway for like sweet forever, and the dining room table might as well be a carpenter’s bench as it’s seen more construction supplies than it’s seen food in the last several months…but I digress.  So, pardon the mess to see that we have a cute little ceramic tree…which for most years has been our indoor Christmas tree, because like I said above…we’re crazy cat people…so on and so on.  The lighted wreath is one of my favorite things.  My mother-in-law grew tired of it several years ago and gave it to me.  It matches my decor perfectly with all the earthy colors it contains (I’m an ardent fan of the color “cranberry”).  I love to turn off the lights in the dining room and bask in it’s warm light since, again, we don’t do the Christmas tree thang usually.  It do have a bowl full of Christmas ornaments which I found at the Dollar Tree for…you guessed it…a dollar for pack of five ornaments!

Oh…look at you, you little snowman cutie!  I know, I want it to snow too, but it looks like we’re just going to have to make do with 40-degree cold rain.  You just hang there on my downstairs bathroom door and keep up your positive thoughts.

Anyhoo…it’s not much, but it’s what I’ve got.  I do have a few more little things around the house like a clothes-hanger tinsel tree in my husband’s man cave, and a cute little wreath Christmas card holder that I didn’t get a picture made of because I was too lazy.  I promise the years we have stayed home for Christmas (and invited family in) we go all out, but this year we’re doing good to put out what we have.  Christmas is still fun.  Oh, how I wish I had some little ones to share all this with, but me and the hubby and the cats will enjoy it all the same!

Merry Christmas!

Holidays and Hurt

Ahhh…the holidays…the time of year when the term “joy” is heard everywhere…just as if the turning of the calendar to the month of December ushers in automatic joy.

Not so much for some people…and I daresay most people.

The fact is the older you get, I believe, the holidays become a time of complex emotions, and some of them aren’t always positive.  I am incredibly blessed, but because I have been through a major life trauma which included loss (childlessness) the holidays will always be a time that will include some degree of sadness.  Everywhere you look you see rosy-cheeked children all excited for Christmas.  This innocent joy and excitement motivates their parents to go to the ends of the earth to provide them that “perfect Christmas”.  Sometimes that motivation causes adults to do things that are not so mature, but that’s another rant for another day.

Christmas (in the American culture) is all about children.  That first Christmas was all about a child…the Christ child…and a girl who found herself with a pregnancy she didn’t plan.

As a childless woman I have found myself jealous of Mary. God chose her to carry the Christ Child, but He didn’t even choose me to have a child in the conventional way.  It brings up the emotions of inadequacy which…if I don’t get control of them…can send my emotions into tailspin.

Christmas is all about children, and that’s like mixing fire with gasoline when it comes to the childless not by choice.

I experienced that all too painfully last weekend…Thanksgiving weekend.  Hubby and I have not had our best year.  I won’t go into too many details, because they are private and personal.  My husband also has a right to privacy, and I honor that.  But with his gracious permission I’m telling you that he is grieving our childlessness intensely and has been for a while now.  I didn’t know the depths until last weekend…Thanksgiving weekend…which was a bad weekend on multiple levels.

He could not hold his 5-month-old nephew.  In fact, when he was with his family and near his baby nephew it was like putting kryptonite in the same room with Superman.  I could see he was struggling immensely, and when he was offered the chance to hold his nephew he responded with a very vehement “NO!”

Things came to a head on our drive back home and once we were back home.  Things were bad…very bad…and at the end of that emotional and tearful discussion we both were undecided as to whether or not we could endure the rest of our lives together with this shared disappointment.  It has eaten away at our relationship like a slow-growing cancer.  It infected me first and then moved on to him.

The beginning of the holidays had brought things to a head, and life was anything but “joyful.”

Last weekend…the Thanksgiving Holiday…I had to face, yet again, that my inadequacy in the childbearing department was causing great grief for other individuals.  This included my parents who are grandchildless, and most importantly, my husband who is now trying to come to terms with his own complex emotions over his childlessness.

Honestly, it’s too much  for me to bear.  I think the only pain worse than this would be to lose a child (or a loved one) to an accident that you caused.  It really feels like I have killed our children and I’m am killing those I love albeit more slowly.

Then, I came to a realization.  I cannot bear this weight.  It is too much.  As of right now children are not to be in this season of our lives.  That is God’s plan.  I’ve had a hard time dealing with God’s sovereignty in this area, but He has spoken, and it is the way He determined it to be.  I cannot bear the pain of others.  I just can’t and retain my sanity. All I can do is love them, pray diligently for them, and support them and hope it is enough.

I can’t even bear my own pain alone…how in the world can I be expected to bear the pain of others on my own?

The simple answer is…I’m not supposed to.

I had tea yesterday with a wonderful Godly woman who has graciously taken time out of her very busy ministry/speaking schedule to mentor me.  She has walked a similar path as I.  What she imparted to me was exactly what God had been telling me since last weekend.  God is in control, and I cannot bear this pain alone.  I must lean on Him, seek Godly counsel, and love and pray diligently for my husband and my family who have been so adversely affected by my childlessness.  I must also choose everyday to give my ongoing trial over the Lord.  While intense grief may pass after a season the effects of a loss stay with us for a lifetime.  Any major loss in our lives changes us in some way for a lifetime until that time we (those of us who have accepted Christ’s forgiveness for our sins…Re:  John 3:16) enter Heaven when God will “…wipe every tear from our eyes”. (Revelation 21:4)

Like I said, I know I am far from the only one experiencing pain during the holidays.  One of the constants of life here in this fallen world is pain and loss.  What we have to hold onto is the redeeming CONSTANT…that is God’s love for us as evidenced by His sending His  Son to this earth as the perfect sacrifice for our sins.  He was also “A man of sorrows acquainted with grief”(Isaiah 53:3)  So, he knows, only too well how I, as well as you, feel.

Let that wonderful realization be a comfort to you this season when the world is focused on children and material possession.  God does know and understands our unique pain.

The Hamster Wheel Experience

Today I feel as if I’m on a hamster wheel.  I’m spinning and spinning and working and working and getting nowhere.  I’ve had a good week, really.  I’ve tried to stay away from all the negative things, but no matter how hard I try the negatives start throwing themselves in my face eventually.  I had a horrible weekend last week…a meltdown…the old, ugly weekend anxiety thing.  I have too much time to think on the weekends.  While keeping busy would be a great way to combat it  I cannot keep busy 24/7 and live for very long.

The things that are rearing their ugly heads are things that have plagued me for years.  I won’t go into detail, because they involve people I love.  I don’t like to air my dirty laundry to the public, because in this case it’s other people’s dirty laundry too, and that just wouldn’t be fair.

I want to live a happy, fulfilled life.  I want all my relationships to be peaceful and harmonious, but then reality sets in, and I start to wonder if I’m really going to survive it all.  It seems a few mistakes I made in my twenties are going to forever haunt me.  While it’s nice to say, “Leave your past in the past” sometimes your past won’t leave you.  It keeps banging on your door demanding that you pay your consequences.

I’m not one who gives up on responsibility, but when the other side does not make it fair and makes it impossible for you ever to be free from their chains I’m wondering if “giving up” is the only way out?

Again, I’m talking in code, but it’s necessary.

So, I sit here on the precipice of another pity party this weekend hoping that I don’t fall over the edge,  I’m fighting by being as logical as I can be.  It doesn’t matter if I have a pity party, a worry party, or a crying party.   It won’t change the reality that there are a couple of things in my life that really stink, and the possibility of them being anything but stinky for a long time (or forever) is not very high.

I also give it the Lord, and hope one day He will fix it all.  I’ll keep running on this hamster wheel, because right now, it’s the only thing I can do.   It’s not God’s fault that I am where I am today, but He’s my only hope.  Only with Him can I survive to keep fighting another day.   If it weren’t for Him I’d given up a long time ago.  He’s the only thing holding all of us together.

 

 

Redirection…

Well, I’ve mostly recovered from my anxiety attack a couple of weeks ago.  I use the the term “recovered” because it’s like an alcoholic saying they’re cured of the booze.  They know deep down inside that because of their addictive personality  they’re just one bad day from being off the sobriety wagon.  It’s a day-to-day battle, and dealing with an anxiety disorder is much the same.

I’ve been working a lot in the last few weeks on redirection…meaning taking the nervous energy that anxiety creates and doing something productive with it instead of internalizing it which will only lead to a meltdown sooner or later.  It’s sort of like taking a hyperactive kid to the playground for a couple of hours after you’ve fed him too much sugar.  Get him out of the house before he destroys something (or many things) and let him expel his energy in way that will not harm himself or others.

Weekends are the worst for me, because unlike the other five days of my week they lack definitive structure.  Now, my husband, he seems to love the lack of structure of the weekends as most “normal” people do.  Well, me, if you remember the movie, Rain Man, and what happened to Raymond Babbitt when he was taken out of his life of structure… that is me on a lesser scale.   I just want my K-Mart underwear and to watch Judge Wapner everyday at five.  Is that too much to ask?

Well, life tends to stray away from structure and towards chaos no matter how hard we try to maintain structure.  So, Saturdays tend to hit me hard as that day in particular lends itself to a lack of structure.  Now, the Saturdays we are traveling and have definitive plans are the best, but the Saturdays which are kind of “whatever” days are days that I tend to feel the most anxiety.

We were supposed to travel this weekend, but our budget and a home improvement project we’ve been trying to complete since May and needs to be done before the holidays precluded travel.  We had a three-day weekend with plans to work at home, but that was not enough structure for me.   We were trying to get our stairs refinished and stained this weekend, but we only had one sander.   The sanding was proving to be more time consuming than originally planned, and so that left me with nothing to do on that project until the sanding was complete.  So, I have been left to fill two days with other things.

Now, there’s always plenty to do in a house with two people and five cats, but that’s another problem. I look at all that needs to be done in the house…while all the while everything is beginning to be covered in a layer of dust from all the sanding being done by my husband, and voila, anxiety attack!  I was feeling overwhelmed by it all.

Even though anxiety was mounting I got through Friday pretty well.  I just started redirecting that energy into one thing at a time telling myself, “Okay, I can do this.  I will focus on one thing at a time.”  That worked pretty well, and I got a lot of things done on Friday even with the added stress of taking the newest kitten…who has had runny diarrhea for a month…to the vet.

On Saturday there was still sanding to do which meant that I couldn’t start helping Eddie yet on the stair project.  Most likely the weekend would pass without staining even beginning.  We got up and decided to go out for breakfast.   Because we were, yet again, off schedule I wasn’t in a good mood.  The thought of being in the house again on such a gorgeous day was almost too much for me to handle.  I couldn’t even enjoy my breakfast.  That’s when I knew another Saturday anxiety attack was imminent.  When we pulled back into the driveway Eddie mentioned that the lawn needed to be mowed, and a lightbulb went off in my head.   I decided that I would do it and do some other end-of-season yard work that needed to be done.  That would get me out of the house into the Fall sunshine.  I worked four to five hours outside yesterday mowing, weed eating, fertilizing, and seeding.  To say the least that expelled some anxious energy!  We then had a date night last night which included dinner and movie.

Today’s Sunday and due to multiple mitigating factors we did not go to church today.  First of all, we stayed up too late last night, were both dog tired this morning from all our work the past two days, and Eddie got a call last night to clean the cat cages at PetSmart for the Humane Society this morning since no one else was available to do it.  This left Sunday as another no-structure day.  I quickly became cranky feeling like I needed to be super-productive again today, but fortunately,  I was able to bring that under control.

According to my faith and personal conviction Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest, and I’m deciding to do that…rest.  Now, there are things that have to be done, and I’m doing them, but today I’m redirecting my anxious energy into blogging and relaxation.  Relaxation at home is the hardest for me, because I constantly see things that need to be done.

But I’m trying…trying really hard to let things go…trying to adopt the philosophy that the things that need to be done will be there tomorrow, and that if something is dirty or undone it’s not the end of the world and does not mean I’m not a good housekeeper.  It means that instead of focusing on things that are inconsequential I’m focusing on making my life much more peaceful.

Easier said than done, but I’m really trying…