So Long Insecurity??

I think one of the things I hate most about this “condition” is how insecure it makes me feel at times.  Of course, in my teenage years I went through the standard bouts of identity crisis and insecurity and a bad boyfriend relationship that eroded my self-esteem a good bit.  By the time I was a senior in high school I had come out of that a good bit bolstered by a new uplifting boyfriend (who went on to become my husband) and personal achievements that led me to believe that I was a smart and capable young woman who might just make something out of her life.

This new-found confidence and new-found love continued on through college.  While I had the usual post-high-school adjustments and learned to adapt to both the working and college worlds I was mostly a happy and confident person.  I graduated college with honors and  was looking forward to married life with the love of my life.

Marriage was a bigger adjustment than I had realized it would be.  While E and I dated for five years you never truly know a person until you live with them; however, we were still happy, and I was adjusting to my new life fairly well and still had a good bit of confidence in myself and my abilities.

The erosion of my self confidence didn’t begin  until a few years later when we were well into trying to conceive and nothing was happening.  At this point many of my friends already had their first children and some were  pregnant with their second.  I began to feel like a loser, and while I continued to advance in my  career my self-esteem was taking hits every month I didn’t become pregnant.  It was like the continual drip, drip, drip of a faucet.  While at first it’s not that devastating, over time the disappointments and the perceived failures mount up into one big ball of aggravation and insecurity about one’s self.  This slowly began to bleed over into other aspects of my life.  It began to cripple me in taking risks in my career and in my personal life.  I started to believe that everything was going to end in disappointment so why try.  My whole life became eclipsed by this seemingly huge failure.

Over a decade later when it was decided that we were getting off the infertility rollercoaster the damage was done, and today I’m still working hard to repair the damage it did to my psyche.  There are other challenging life situations that have contributed to the damage, so I won’t lay the blame %100 on the infertility.  I also have to shoulder some of the blame on myself for allowing it to have so much influence on my sense of self and self esteem.

I read a lot of childless blogs and forums, and I have made some great friends.  While I hate that they’ve had to go through this difficult life situation too  it’s comforting to know that I’m not an oddball in how I have grieved and coped.  It’s probably one of things that has kept me this side of sanity.

However, I read about the remarkable women who find almost total healing.  They move on with their lives without children and find abundant happiness in their life after infertility.  Some even become thankful for their lack of children.  These women are superwomen in my eyes, and I so aspire to be like them.  While I’ve made significant strides in my life (I’ve moved onward and upward in my career)  I’m just not  there yet in my personal life.   When my husband is sad, mad, or stressed I worry that it’s about the childlessness, and will he one day leave me for more fertile and less jaded and bitter pastures?  When other “trigger” situations  arise I wonder if I’ll ever move on from the anger over the way I’ve/we’ve been treated differently by some family  simply because we don’t have children and bitterness over the obvious favor other family members get simply because they were able to reproduce.

So, while I know in some aspects  I’ve come a long way there’s still a lot to overcome.  I want to be one of those superwomen who gives infertility/childlessness a roundhouse kick to the face and finds happiness anyway.

Dichotomy is Thy Name

I’m so back and forth in how I feel about my childlessness these days.  My moods swing like a pendulum at times.  Last weekend, out of the blue, I had one of my off-the-charts anxiety attacks about it.  I don’t know where it came from.  I had a lovely Saturday morning and Saturday afternoon, but Saturday evening it hit me like a train.  I guess I started thinking about how much my life doesn’t seem to change from year to year, and with a whole new year stretching out in front of me it all feels so overwhelming.  I woke up Sunday morning with the wet blanket of depression on me.  It literally felt like I was carrying something heavy on my shoulders.  I didn’t go to church, and I cried on hubby’s shoulder for a couple of hours.  He was frustrated with me, because he doesn’t want/doesn’t know how to be my counselor.   I get over it pretty quickly, although I do carry around a low-level malaise most of the time.  Maybe that’s normal maybe it’s not, but I function well most days and have many good to down-right great days.  I think the low-level malaise is something you obtain after any great loss.  It’s always going to be lurking deep, down inside no matter how much you heal, and will rise to the surface if the conditions are just right.

I’ve been working on the anxiety (with related depression)  in the past few years, and I can say that it’s definitely more under control than it was two years ago, but I do have the occasional no good, rotten, very bad day.  Oddly, the bad days usually come during weekends and holidays when I have more down time and more time to think.  I’m a chronic over-thinker/analyzer, and believe me, there are days I envy the ditzy people of the universe.  Oh, to just turn my brain off would be bliss!

Fast forward to mid-week…I’ve been hearing of a lot of folks my age dealing with rebellious teenagers and prodigal adult children, and I think, “Whew!  I’m glad I’ll never have to deal with that!”  I even voiced this aloud yesterday at lunch with my coworkers.  They were talking about planning, applying, and paying for college and just listening to everything they have to do just wore me out.  When I told them that it’s things like this that makes me grateful I don’t have kids it led to a very open and honest discussion about kids vs. no kids.  I said, “Well, you’re going through these headaches now, but at least you’ll have someone to take of you in your old age.”  They said, “Oh, you can’t even count on that” which is true.  I knew it was a bad statement the minute  it left my mouth, but I was trying to comfort them in an awkward way.  Anyway, it was great, thoughtful conversation, and I think they understood my side somewhat.

So to sum it up…last weekend I’m in the throes of depression about my childlessness and at the end of this week I’m almost relieved to be childless.

Welcome to my life…

 

 

Year-End Reflections and Decisions

I’ve know I’ve been very intermittent in posting to this blog in the last year. A good blogger would write more often, but I guess I’m not a good blogger, so  I just don’t.  There’s an apathy that comes with acceptance.  I mean, acceptance in the case of childlessness is a good thing, but then you sort of make a conscious effort to start separating yourself from things that make you remember/focus on the pain.  I think that is a good thing for the most part.

I’m not a crusader.  I don’t have agenda with my blog.  This has always been a place where I could think out-loud publicly about what it’s  like to be a childless woman.  I’m not looking for hits nor am I trying to build an online persona, so sometimes I question why I even write here.  Is it for purely selfish reasons, or am I trying to resonate with someone?  I think it’s a little of both.  I’ve always been a little uncomfortable with the me-me aspect of a blog because I’m not a person who likes to draw attention to herself,  and that’s not a good trait for a blogger…so I hear.  I’m also not a person who wants to ruffle anyone’s feathers, so sometimes I censure what I say…again, not a trait a blogger should have.  I guess my main worry is that someone would read my blog and consider me a negative person or that family would read something I say and it offend or hurt them even though other than my husband I don’t think any of my family members are aware I have this blog.

Also,  I’m definitely not an optimist by nature although if you met me in person I’m sure you would find me outgoing,  happy, and witty.   I worry that those qualities don’t  shine through here because of the subject matter.   Unplanned childlessness is a subject matter that doesn’t lend itself to much levity.  Other than God Himself being able to laugh  is what has gotten me through so many crappy times.   So, be assured I laugh, A LOT!

I had a longstanding friend comment on a FB post I made about the Duggar’s having photos made of their stillborn child.  I was defending their choice.  If that’s  what helps  someone find closure, grieve, and have memories of that child that is completely fine  although that’s not what I would chose to do in my own situation.  I also made a side note concerning the Duggars that  I’m not of their philosophy of eschewing all birth control and having as many as you can.  My friend is of a similar mindset of the Duggars, and we were having a friendly little debate on the subject.  I told him that the only time I tried to control my fertility was the first two years I was married (birth control) but really I tried to control my fertility the ensuing 10 years after that by being on fertility medication intermittently.  Since then I’ve employed neither birth control nor fertility medicine.  I went on to say how difficult it has been.  His comment was:

“I know childlessness has been a great struggle for you, but it’s hard to remember, because you always seem so content.”

To me that was a big assurance that I don’t walk around with a little black rain cloud over my head all of the time.   I’m the first to admit that unplanned childlessness has affected my life and my outlook on life to a great extent; however, I think I’ve for the most part coped well and have been able to project to others (even during times I have to fake it) that I am okay.

With all that in mind I’ve contemplated shutting down the blog several times this year, but yet something has kept me from hitting the delete button.  I think it’s mostly because I have had so many people tell me that they appreciate what I write and have been moved/helped in some way by what I write.  If not actually helped they at least feel like there is at least one person in the world that understands how they feel.  That’s what keeps me writing even if it’s just once every couple of months.

On the personal front…the last six months have been challenging to say the least, and there have been some big lessons learned from those experiences.  There have been some tough subjects to deal with in my marriage and family, but we are getting through.  Middle age with its inherent crises has hit both my husband and I like a sledgehammer this year, but I think we’re finding some sense of a new normal and acceptance of the challenges middle age brings.  I also have a scary, yet fortunately, very intermittent health issue which reared it’s ugly head this month.  When I was worked up before all tests were normal or inconclusive,  and the side effects of treating the condition symptomatically was determined to outweigh any gain, so I have left this condition to it’s own devices (whatever it is),  as I’m not too inclined to get all upset and start going through tests again, but it is very upsetting when symptoms occur.

The most significant thing that’s happened lately is I lost a friend recently to cancer.  She fought it bravely for three years.  I knew it was going to hurt, but I could not fathom  how much I would grieve until it actually happened.  I believe it’s a big part of the reason my mystery health problem came to the surface again.  This friend still has children at home (the youngest being 12) and it’s really hard to see any good that is going to come of her passing, but that’s God’s department and not mine.  I just have to accept his decision to heal her in Heaven instead of on earth.

I’m also doing some purging of relationships in my life.  For others’ privacy I will not go into any detail, but the time has come for toxic people to leave my life either voluntarily or by force.  They have taken up way too much of my energy for years, and in some ways have affected my life and attitude more than unplanned childlessness.  Sometimes you just have to let go of bad relationships.

I hope you, my readers, will also do some positive purging of  negative things/people in your lives that keep you for experiencing life to it’s fullest.  Losing a good friend to cancer at age 45 has all too clearly reminded me that life is too short not to be happy.

To a happy, prosperous, and healthy New Year!

The Commuter Marriage is Over

Yes, the short-lived commuter marriage is over.  The long-term, abide-in-the-same-house marriage is alive and well.

Hubby resigned his position with the international wireless company this week.  The work-related separation from me and family was just too much to handle.  God worked many a miracle this week.  He is returning to his former position here at the non-profit Christian organization (where I also work), but that position has been modified to be something that will probably suit his skill-set much better.  He is being “reinstated” instead of “rehired” which means he retains all his seniority and his vacation accrual rate.  It was just amazing how it all worked out.  He wanted to come back, and they wanted him back no questions asked.   We’re both grateful.

The wireless company was great about all of this too.  They were willing to try and find him a position closer to home if he would stay, but hubby had already made up his mind that he was going back to his former employer.  He left the wireless company in good standing, and the issues leading to the decision were more personal than professional.  He was doing well there and was already a valued employee.

To put it loosely in my husband’s words sometimes you have to step outside of what you know to realize that what you had was really where you ought to be.  Through this I’ve also realized that what truly makes our house a home is for him to be there, and that even though we don’t have children we are a family in every sense of the word…smaller than most, but truly a family.

An Outcast in My Own Faith

I’ve got to get something off my chest.  In the last few years I’ve been through  a crisis of faith.  Don’t worry, it’s not the earth shattering type of crisis of “Do I believe in God or not?”  No, He’s there.  There’s too much evidence in history, the world, and in my life to prove that, but my crisis has to do with the immense isolation I feel as a childless woman and how utterly out of place I feel in the Christian community.  Right now part of me wants to run far away from church and the CONSTANT, GLARING reminders that my life is so much less than the Christian family ideal.  I even heard a sermon recently, citing scripture, that childlessness is a curse;  however, a large part of me desperately wants to remain in church because I’ve always been a part of the church, and it holds an important place in my heart.

Things have gotten so bad  I can’t even listen to Christian radio very much anymore because every station is peppered with stories about babies and children.  There has been a recurring promo on one station where the D.J. gushes on about  his 2-year-old telling him he loves him for the first time.  There was another station who live reported on the labor and delivery of one it’s D.J.s, and they even interviewed her in her hospital room within a few hours of delivery.   After that I wrote that station.  I even got a nice understanding response, but the baby-fest continued.    Many mornings I start out listening to Christian radio, but usually by the time I get to work I’ve switched to a classic rock station.  It may not be faith building, but at least it doesn’t remind me of what I don’t have.

Here’s another example… last week I had several people (including my mother) ask if my  hubby and I had seen the movie “Courageous”.  When I said, “no”.  Everyone said, “Oh, but you should!”  I’m sure it’s a great movie as most Sherwood Films have been, but it’s about fatherhood.  What I wanted to say very sarcastically was, “Yes, I have taken my childless-not-by-choice husband to see a movie about fatherhood.  We made a b-line to the theater for that one!”  I could make a sure-fire bet on the response to that too.  It would be, “Oh, but he’s a father to many!”  No, he’s not.  He’s a son, an uncle, and a husband, but he’s not a father as much as I’m not a mother.  Platitudes don’t help at all.  They only hurt.  That’s why I don’t waste my breath anymore.   It’s like our situation is so invisible that even those closest to us in our church and family cannot fathom that we wouldn’t want to rush out to every family-oriented movie or event.

So as a 43-year-old woman trying to move on from 20+ years of infertility it’s very difficult to move on in when you’re in a culture which in my opinion has almost come to the point of worshiping children.  Yes, children are a blessing from the Lord, but they are not the ONLY blessing.  I honestly think too much emphasis is placed upon children.  I’ve also noticed a disturbing trend developing…than many parents will not take their children out of church service if they are disturbing the service, and no one is saying anything about it.  Well, I will say on the interwebz that it’s very insensitive and downright rude.  Churches put a lot of time in their children’s programs, so take them there and let the rest of us worship in peace.  Johnny’s and Susie’s high-pitched squeals are not cute to anyone but you.

So, as a childless person simply attending church on Sunday is often rife with constant reminders, and sometimes even condemnation that we are not in the parent club and that we are somehow less blessed.

I think I’ve  said this before, but sometimes I want to start “The Church of the Barren Womb”, but deep down inside I know that’s not the answer either.  It really seems that  I have to continue living a familiar world where I’m out of place.

Selah…

On My Own…

Well, we’re almost two weeks into the new living situation…he in Wilmington and I in Charlotte.  To say things are a little surreal is a big understatement.  To recap from my last post and to get any newcomers up to speed:  My husband took a new job with an international wireless communications company, but the bad news is it’s not in the current town where we reside.  He has moved into a temporary housing situation there while I remain in our home and at my job until we see how things pan out with his new job.

Again, being apart is not a situation he and I desired at all, but we felt at the same time this was a good career move for him.  He hopes to be able to transfer back to Charlotte within 6 months to a year, but there is also a possibility we will pull up roots and move to Wilmington.  While it would be wonderful to live on the coast…something my husband has always dreamed of…it’s not practical for a whole lot of reasons…the job market (for me), the real estate market, the fact that we have five cats to move, and the distance from our families.

So, our world is kind of upside down at the moment.  It’s just strange.  In one way for me life goes on as usual.  Same routine, same job, but the big difference is my hubby is  not home at the end of the day with me.  He did come home last weekend as an early birthday surprise for me because early in the summer he had gotten Weird Al Yankovic concert tickets for us (We are big Al fans).  So, it was good end to a week chock full of loneliness.

I know it’s a bigger challenge for my husband, because he’s living in someone else’s house, he’s in a new area, he’s in a new job, and he’s also without his spouse of twenty-one years.  That’s a lot of adjustment, and he’s had a few down days; however, today he told me he feels like he’s settling in a bit.  While I am happy that he’s adjusting I have fought the fear that maybe he’ll like it there without me.  I know that’s an irrational fear,  as he’s stated multiple times that he’s missed me bunches (and I him), but it’s one of the little nagging emotions I have from time to time.

He will be back in Charlotte for two weeks for corporate systems training starting next Tuesday, so he’ll get to be at home which is good and bad.  Good, because he’ll be here, but bad because once he goes back to Wilmington we’ll have to settle in for the long haul, especially through the holidays.  Being in retail sales will mean lots of work over the holidays and very little time off.  That will be the first big test of our endurance.

For me I’m going to have to juggle the holidays between the Western part of the state (my parents), our home in the middle part of the state, and the Eastern part of the state where the Hubster is.  There is almost a 7-hour driving distance between the extreme points.

Lord, help me…

Anyway, I’m really  trying to take things one day at a time; because if I try to think beyond that anxiety begins to rear it’s ugly head.  I’m also trying my best to think of this as one big adventure that will lead to better things for our family of two plus five cats.

Big Changes

Well, a lot has happened in the month of September.  It’s hard to believe that one’s life can change so rapidly within 30 days, but it has.  No, I’m not pregnant.  No, we’re not adopting (I know that’s the conclusion most readers will jump to since this is a childless blog), but we are facing a major life change.

My husband has taken a new job 250 miles away, and for right now I’ll  be remaining in our current city.

This is not a separation that has anything to do with the health of our marriage but everything to do with my husband needing a new direction in his career and the ability to make a larger income than can be made by continuing to work for a non-profit organization with no foreseeable room for advancement.  The hard facts are:  He has a job there, and I don’t yet.  We need my income to remain steady for now.  We have a house to possibly sell, five pets to think of, and there is a possibility he can transfer back to this area in a year if he decides the new area he’s in is not for us.

Honestly, I’m not 100% happy about the change  Right now, I’m about 25% happy and a 100% of that 25% is for my husband.  He will be working for a major international company…a company he researched for quite sometime before even applying…and it’s in a field he’s passionate about.  That’s the upside for now.  The downside is there is a lot of uncertainty in our lives now.  We’re going to be in a state of financial and location-al limbo for quite a while.   He will also be going into a situation where a good chunk of his salary will come from commissions.  That is a little unnerving, although the opportunities this company gives their employees to succeed are very good.  The major inconvenience is the location of job.  Although it’s in a beautiful seaside city which would be a wonderful place to live (another dream my husband has had is to live near the ocean) it’s six hours away from our families.   We had been trying to get closer to our families since our parents are beginning to succumb to the process of aging, but an open door in that area with the same company was slammed shut because someone in the company wished to transfer there (transfers are honored before new hires).   He would’ve had the job there otherwise.

I don’t have the extreme gene, and I’m not about to quit my job and go to a new city and try to scramble for a new one in a stinky job market.  That’s not my idea of a fun adventure. Until just a few weeks ago I didn’t know there was an actual descriptor for the place I find myself .   I’m called a “trailing spouse“. The term was coined as a descriptor for spouses of expatriates, but in the new world economy it’s happening more and more in mainstream Western culture.  One spouse moves for a new position, and the the remaining spouse stays behind to be sure everything works out and is nailed down before initiating a move.  Many times the trailing spouse has to compromise their own careers in order to be with their spouse.   The problem for me is not leaving my job it’s leaving behind the security and salary of my current job.  I never thought after 20 years of marriage we’d find ourselves in a situation where we’d have to live apart for an extended period of time.  You just never know what live is going to throw you.

Of course, in a few months hard choices will have to be made.  Will I move there?  Will we attempt to sell our house in a less than friendly real estate market?  Will we maintain this less-than-optimal living arrangement for the full year before he can ask for a transfer back here?

Lots of questions with no immediate answers.

Labor Day…Venting and Thankfulness

Labor Day…an innocuous holiday that honors the working drones of America, but somehow pregnancy gets thrown in and cable channels run marathons of “A Baby Story”. “Deliver Me”, and “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.”

Venting:   Really?  On a holiday whose origins have absolutely nothing to do with pregnancy or babies…pregnancy and babies as per usual find a way to barge in uninvited.

I know, I know… it’s a cute and obvious correlation, but seriously…can there be ONE holiday that has nothing to do with babies and children?  I guess Memorial Day in America is about as close as one gets, but inevitably people post pictures of a babies in red, white, and blue outfits waving flags like they are Yankee Doodle reincarnated…and it’s over.

Thankfulness:   I spent Labor Day weekend unexpectedly with my sister-in-law (hubby’s sister), niece, and nephew (and of course, my husband).  I enjoyed my time with my niece and nephew yesterday and felt a sense of completeness and happiness when I was with them.  My niece and nephew are 13 and 2 respectively (you read right…and 11-year gap in their ages).  My niece is a beautiful soul and a wonderfully mature young lady. She’s not had the easiest life as her parents divorced when she was 3 and lives with her mom most of the year and with her dad in the Summer.  Somehow through all of this she has not only persevered she has thrived!  She cares for her little brother like a little momma and several times this weekend I was brought to tears by her sweet servant’s heart toward her mother and brother.  I made a special effort today to give her a big hug and tell her exactly how wonderful she is and how much I love her. I believe she’s going to go far in life and is exactly what I would’ve dreamed of in a daughter.

My nephew is a typical 2-year-old boy.  He was a “surprise”…completely unexpected in a troublesome sort of way but was the sweet outcome of a very unfortunate situation.  He has a head full of chestnut curls that any woman would envy, and is as smart as a whip.  He is my father-in-law’s biggest buddy and he’s helping to distract his “Bop-Bop” from rapidly declining health.   Of course, he’s  testing his boundaries majorly as any 2-year-old does, but all he has to do is flash you his sweet smile and you’re mush.  Any indiscretion he has committed completely dissolves from your mind.   In all honesty I’ve have had a hard time bonding with him for a myriad of reasons that have nothing to do with him and everything to do with my own infertility and failure to understand why some people get blessings they take for granted while I get none, but he is slowly but surely winning my heart.

It’s still never easy to feel the happiness and completeness of being with them and then next day saying goodbye and feeling the emptiness set back in, but I gladly take my doses of sweetness when I can get them.  I love my niece and nephews (one is grown and out on his own now) and they are a beautiful consolation for what I could never have for myself.

I Love a Good Movie

I love a good movie.  I love escaping from my reality for a couple of hours and experiencing another reality.  When I was growing up we didn’t watch many movies…not because my parents were against them…they just weren’t into them.   The only movies I really got to see were the made-for-TV movies which back in the 70s were mostly lame.  I vividly remember the first movie I saw in the tiny local theater in our small town.  I was six or seven when we went to see The Apple Dumpling Gang.  I think we went mostly because my parents were big fans of Don Knotts.  Then, two years later “Star Wars” was released, and I BEGGED and PLEADED to go see it, because every kid in school was raving about it.  It took a good bit of convincing, but eventually my dad gave in, and we went to see it at the same  tiny, old, somewhat dilapidated hometown theater.

It was a watershed moment for me.  The movie both entertained me and scared me a little.  The Cantina scene where the creature gets his arm cut off freaked me out a bit, but it was the movie that made me the movie lover I am today.   I was awed by it.   I drew pictures of the scenes and fantasized that I was Princess Leia for months afterwards.  Now, in a kid’s world  that is testimony that the filmmaker did his job well.

Fast forward some thirty-odd years later and I would definitely call myself a movie buff…maybe not on the level of some, but a buff nonetheless.  I love a good story.    I love how everything looks larger than life on the big screen, and I love it when the actors are spot-on with their acting and make you actually believe they are that character.

Last night I saw the movie “The Help” .  I hadn’t heard of the book or the movie until just a few months ago when the previews started playing in theaters.  I found the storyline and setting (Mississippi in the early sixties) intriguing.  I wanted to see the movie but not until after I’d read the book.  So, a couple of weeks ago I downloaded the book on my Kindle and started reading.

This is a rare observation, but honestly, in this case the movie was better than the book.  I think what made it better is because the film was so wonderfully casted and acted.  There are so many great actors in this film, and the film truly did a wonderful job of relaying what it felt like to be white and black in the Deep South in the 60s.  Of course, the main story is about the discrimination/oppression African-American maids experienced during this time period, but it also balanced that by showing that some employers treated their maids like family.  One featured story is about about how a maid’s employer bought two acres of land just so his maid could have an easier walk to/ from work.  He’d bought the two acres after the previous landowner had threatened this maid with beating/imprisonment for using this land as a short cut.

There is even a CNBC element to it.  *SPOILER ALERT*  One of the maids helps her employer through a traumatic miscarriage  and also becomes her confidant.  She had had multiple miscarriages but had never told her husband about any of them for fear he would leave her. *END SPOILER ALERT*

Speaking of CNBC elements.  This preview that played prior to “The Help” caught my attention:

Innnteresting…

Anyway, sometimes a good movie is a good escape, especially when you’ve been thinking too much about life’s problems (a constant problem for me).  Sometimes a good movie will inspire you make changes in your life, but sometimes it’s just fun to watch a good movie for whatever reason!

Connection…

Well, the Summer is starting to wind down, but my schedule isn’t.  Work really takes it out of me right now.  In the last month I have booked travel  and handled crew details for about 85 people.  This has required mind-numbing attention to detail.   It’s all good.  Keeps me busy and off the streets, but  all I want to do when I get home is chill…literally…chill, because it’s been so frickin’ hot outside!

Again, there has been lot going on this Summer, a slew trips, the above mentioned avalanche of work , and a possible big life change that didn’t pan out.  So, right now I’m a bit numb and apathetic towards most things.  I’ve had a few “moments” where my childlessness has hit me in the face.  At this point in my life I feel angry when it does, because I do not want to feel these feelings anymore, and resent people and situations that thrust it upon me.   I want to punch childlessness in the face and tell it to stop bullying me, but it’s bigger than me and is still able to push me into my locker and give me swirlys sometimes.

I’m also tired of isolation.  I’m craving connection.  I’m far enough from most of my family that connection is hard to keep going on a weekly basis.  My connection to them pretty much revolves around weekly phone conversations and our monthly weekend visit.  I’m also missing connection with church family.  Due to some life circumstances…the biggy being childlnessness among other things…we have backed off on activity in the church because we don’t know where we fit in the church anymore.  We go most Sundays, but just for worship.  No Bible Study.  No Small groups.   We have loved the church we attend, and are actually members there, but because we live on the other side of the city it’s easy just to attend on Sunday morning only.  We  did try a Sunday Morning Bible study, but with driving, having to arrive early to find parking, and other variables we were spending approximately four hours at church on Sunday morning.  By the end of Bible Study…which we attended after early worship… we became totally restless and unable to focus.   So, we gave up Bible Study.  For about two years I attended a women’s circle on Wednesday night which I dearly loved, but the program changed last year, and our group was mostly split up.  I was so disheartened over that I didn’t return.

Even though we’ve lived in this city for nine years for various reasons we’ve never made this “home.”  I’m craving the feeling of “home” instead of perpetual temporariness.  This was amplified by the fact that just this week the door for the hoped-for life change closed.

It’s time for here to become home, and it’s time to find a community.  Easier said than done, but it needs to happen.

Does anyone have any tricks for finding connection when your life is busy and everyone around you has children?