I’ve been getting some new followers lately and some feedback on my older posts. Since I haven’t written any new content in several months I was wondering what was generating the attention. Well, I Googled and Bing-ed my blog title and my blog comes up as the the first to third on the hits list (depending on the day) so I was like, “Whoa…” I decided that it was sign that I write something again. I’ve been wanting to write, but well, my life took a dramatic turn about 10 months ago. I’ve wanted to blog more times than I have, but I’ve just not been ready to share. I’m still not sure if I’m ready to share, so I’m writing this not knowing than when I’m done if I’ll hit “Publish” or not. I’m going to write the below with an effort to be honest yet honor the people that it could affect. I never want to use my blog to expose or hurt anyone. That is not my desire. I also know the weightiness of putting your personal issues online. So, the “issues” are not going to be put here. Not the place. I’m really a very private person by nature. I have tons of journal content. Those books know my every feeling, so it’s all written down. I think one day it might make a pretty doggone good book, but that’s years down the road if ever, only if God leads. I also thought about whether or not to rename the blog as my life has taken such a dramatic turn, and my possible childbearing years are nearly over, but I still think it fits. I’ll write more about that later on down the line.
So, time to get to the point…
My husband and I are separated.
I realize in this day and age that’s not a very big bomb-drop statement, but to someone who expected to be married forever those six words carry a lot of weight, sadness, and a whole boat-load of other emotions. It’s commonplace until it happens to you.
Again, I”m not going into the nitty-gritty of the situation. I still care very much for my husband, and one of the very few ways I can honor and care for him right now is to respect him. Also, what goes on inside a marriage is very personal and very raw especially when a marriage is in distress. This is OUR relationship and shouldn’t be fodder for public scrutiny. I can’t say I’ve been one hundred percent perfect in this area, but through some mistakes and through healing I’ve come to the place that those issues are solely between my husband and I. I say this knowing that our marriage has an affect on SO MANY people. I have a small handful of trusted friends and a great counselor who know my side of the story. I’ve been floored by just how many people it has affected, and we don’t even have children!! When marriages break down (with children or not), societies break down. Evidence proves that, but that’s another post for another day.
I guess you can say I’m spouse-less not by choice right now…like I wanted another label…
Did unplanned childlessness have an affect on our marriage? I would be lying if I said, “No.” It had a greater affect on both of us than I ever knew. I made HUGE mistakes. I didn’t always handle my grief maturely. I grieved over an extended period of time, because infertility/childlessness is not something you can grieve for 6-12 months and move on with your life. You deal with it all your life, and it does put a HUGE amount of pressure on a marriage. Do, I blame infertility for where we are now? No. I don’t. Our marriage is way more complex than one issue, but it was always one of the elephants in the room of our lives. It’s the same as the loss of a living child or miscarriage. There’s no denying the loss, and the loss will always be there. It has to be dealt with one way or the other, and this kind of loss takes time and lots of it. Running from it or trying to avoid it only makes a larger crisis inevitable.
I cannot write everything I want to write in one blog post, and I don’t know how frequently the blog posts will come. I’m not going to pressure myself into saying I have to write at any specific interval, but I want to say this today as a person of faith in Jesus Christ:
I’m closer to God than I’ve ever been. He is so real to me even during some of the greatest emotional pain I’ve ever been through.
It would take a War and Peace-sized book to tell you the emotional and spiritual journey I’ve been through the last 10 months, and it’s far from over. I can honestly say the almost 20 years of infertility/childlessness was a cakewalk compared to the last 4 years of marriage turmoil and subsequent separation; however, through all the horrendous pain there has been a tremendous amount of healing…healing I don’t think could have happened had I not been alone. God says he always works everything for our good. The key word is “works” because not all things are good. The Bible gives so many examples of that, but in the end it works out for the good of all involved.
I believe in covenant marriage. I do believe that once people marry it should be for life. If not, why do even most secular vows consist of some version of “for better for worse, for richer or poorer, till death do us part”? Because God ordained it to be that way. Yes, divorce has always been allowed for in extreme situations, but when Jesus was questioned by the Pharisees in Matthew 19 he said, (paraphrase) “It’s only so because the hardness of your hearts”, and he goes on to reiterate God’s plan for the earthly permanence of one-man, one-woman marriage. When the feelings aren’t there anymore then love and commitment come down to a choice, and sometimes you have to grit your teeth and barrel through the hard times even when it seems like the hard times won’t end.
I don’t want to get on a soapbox, but this is what I believe, and this worldview is where I’ll come from in subsequent posts. I don’t bash or judge anyone with opposing views. I love divorced people…God loves divorced people. I’m looking possible divorce smack-dab in the face. Because of the tragedy of no-fault divorce in some states people don’t get a choice. It happens, and none of us are immune. Most likely, if your spouse wants out there’s not a thing you can do about that piece of paper that severs only the legal tie. I believe the tie in Heaven remains until death do us part, and it even has eternal implications.
With that said I want to end this post on an upbeat note. I really am doing okay. God has shown me SO MUCH through this time, and he is changing me for the better! Yes, the pain is unimaginable at times, but the pain is working in me things I should’ve allowed God to work in me years ago. I’m stubborn, and I’m a slow learner, but through it all God has not abandoned or forsaken me. I could be bitter and angry, and I have days when I have those feelings, but surprisingly, after some healing I’m not. I’ve also had some great opportunities that have come through my situation and through this blog. Because of the blog I am being contacted rather frequently by publications and media for interviews. I do not want to waste any of this experience. I want to minister/help others in some way whether it be big or small. I’m not looking for notoriety. I just want to write and use this medium to reach others as God sees fit; nothing more, nothing less.
Well, I guess I’m going to hit “Publish”.