Thoughts on “13 Reasons Why”

I’d been hearing the buzz about the recently-released Netflix series called “13 Reasons Why.” The basic premise is a troubled teenaged girl commits suicide, but before she does she records 7 tapes explaining the 13 reasons why she took her life.  The reasons were basically acts of commission or omission by friends and enemies in her high school.  The story begins at the point when one of her friends, Clay, receives the tapes and begins listening to them.

This is not a spoiler-free review…

There’s lots I could say about the series.  This is not the typical show I sit and watch, but because it was opening up dialogue about suicide, rape, and bullying even among my peers I felt compelled to watch.  There was also a much deeper reason I felt compelled to watch…

While I know probably exactly zero teenagers read my blog I wanted to share my feelings about “13 Reasons Why” as someone who has been there.  Like Hannah, when I was a sophomore in high school I contemplated committing suicide. While my situation was quite a bit different from Hannah Baker’s the feelings were the same.  The path to suicidal ideation is a complicated one, and not only for teenagers but for anyone who has dealt with difficult losses or abuse be they age 16 or 100.

Back to the series.  I am not recommending the show.  It is way off the mature-content deep end of what I usually allow myself to watch (and I’m in my late 40s).  I don’t recommend it to teens at all, but I know they’re watching it anyway, so moot point. Again, I only watched it because it was so close to something I had experienced myself and the buzz surrounding it.  If you haven’t watched the show and are in the throes of depression or in the aftermath of abuse (especially sexual abuse) PLEASE, DON’T WATCH IT!  It is triggering…UBER-triggering.  Even if you consider yourself healed from depression, abuse, or trauma if you watch this series be ready to feel pretty lousy for a day or so after watching episode 13.  I daresay even if you’ve had a smooth-sail of life up to this point, this series will probably affect you deeply, because you probably know people who have been in the situations described in the series.  It is very graphic and explicit.  The language is horrible though probably pretty realistic for most high schools these days. It’s probably only slightly worse than when I was in high school 30 years ago I’m sad to say.

As far as storytelling I will say the series is done well.  It is designed to lure you into a binge watch. It does the job.  It’s emotional cocaine.  Try to resist the urge to binge.  I only allowed myself to watch two episodes max, per day, and then I either had to palate-cleanse by watching a lighthearted show, or I had to transfer into my quiet time with the Lord to pray and read the word to deal with the emotions it brought up.

Now, Hannah Baker…there are some issues with her character in which I had great difficulty.  I’m not minimizing anyone who contemplates suicide (again, I did many years ago), but because Hannah is a written character and not a real-life one I will bullet-point what I found wrong with the way her character was written:

  • Major Drama Queen (a.k.a mentally ill)–Okay, teenagers inherently are drama queens/kings, but Hannah Baker took it to a whole ‘nother level.  The fact that her suicide was basically revenge against everyone who had hurt her, and her suicide note a 7-tape dialogue of how everyone had done her wrong screams personality disorder to the max.  Her depression was secondary it seems which is why she didn’t sell me on on being the suicidal type.  The girl definitely needed help, and while her inept high school guidance counselor would be better working in the cafeteria than in counseling kids, Hannah’s “reaching out for help” was another lame excuse to take her life.  She taped the lone counseling session to prove her final point.  She wasn’t asking for help she was gathering evidence. Dramatic, yes, but not realistic.
  • She supposedly had no friends?  Huh!?  Hannah was actually outgoing and popular, but she lamented on and on about how she had no friends.  While some of the people in her life I would only characterize as “Frienenemies” at best she had some people in her life who truly cared for her even if  their so-called fatal flaw was that they didn’t pick up on her deeply-veiled depression.  Yet, she blamed them anyway. She pushed them away, especially poor Clay who thought, like most males, when a girl says “Go away!!” while crying she actually means it.  That brings me to another point…
  • She had parents who truly loved her and were involved with her.  Her parents may have been a little oblivious and involved in their own problems, but it was obvious they truly loved Hannah, and it seemed she truly loved them.  It was hard for me to swallow that at the end of the day that love didn’t stop Hannah from killing herself, and not only that, stop her from killing herself in a way that guaranteed her parents would be the first to find her.  I found that a hundred times more cruel than leaving behind 7 tapes as revenge towards her friends.
  • She set herself up for failure…intentionally.  I’m going to preface what I’m about to say with I do not believe any person “asks” to be raped.  Rape can happen if you’re walking down the street, at a family function, or at a party with friends; however, who in their right mind walks into a party thrown by a person who you have witnessed rape someone?! Hannah called it “a siren’s call.”  I just call it stupid and self-destructive and bad writing.  Also, I think most of us would’ve fought way harder than she did even if we were in a shut down/semi-drunk state.  Ref. “Bad writing.”
  • She never contemplates God.  Okay, I can’t remember if she mentions God or not (I’m not watching again to find out), but God is not in the equation of Hannah’s life or in the taking of it.  God is not considered or even called upon in any substantial way.  Hopelessness prevails.

I could go on about other characters and other situations in the series but I won’t.  While it has definitely opened up dialogue about bullying, rape, and suicide at the end of the day it’s a show written in highly-dramatic overtones and has done it’s job by being a ratings boon.  I don’t doubt that everything portrayed in the series is happening in American high schools everyday, and that’s why I feel that the series could potentially trigger troubled teens into doing something similar as Hannah. While I felt the suicide scene was not romanticized (it was very hard to watch) the series in general romanticized suicide which is something that if I were a writer and a producer of such a series I would undertake with great trepidation to the point I wouldn’t do it unless I interjected some hope and guidance somewhere…anywhere.  There are a few disclaimers and links to suicide prevention helps, but it’s not enough.  Overall, without God in the mix all the counseling and platitudes seem baseless.  Without God there is no hope, period, and in our Godless culture I believe that’s why suicide is becoming more and more prevalent.

I read a great blog post by a counselor regarding the show.  Whether you’re a teenager, a parent of teenager, or someone who has dealt with suicidal ideation this blog post says it way better than I have.

Back to my story a bit.  I won’t go into the gory details of what lead me to contemplate suicide as a 16 year old, but it had to do with a boy, and while that was over 30 years ago recent events in my life took me back to the same point I was in those dark days of my sophomore year.  Why didn’t do it in 1985?  At the end of it all it was God.  He stopped me.  His hand literally restrained me from driving off the side of a mountain.  That same night in my car I was overwhelmed with God’s presence infusing me with the reality that I had so much going for me in life.  I had a family who loved me dearly who would’ve been devastated if I had done what I was contemplating.  I couldn’t do that to them. I had friends.  I had a supportive church family, and most of all I had God.   I came to the conclusion that while there are people in this life worth dying for if the situation called for it there is no one…NO ONE in this life worth killing yourself over… not 13, 1,300 or 13,000.  God created you, and He has a purpose for your life.  When I faced a similar situation in my 40s I went back to that time that God showed me that if everyone turned their back on me He was enough.  While there were days in my recent past I wanted to die I didn’t contemplate suicide.  He truly is enough even in the darkest valley of pain and betrayal.

If you are in a dark place, and especially if you are contemplating suicide please, please message me!   I have plenty of information to send to you, and I will personally help you in any way I can.  I’m including links below to resources too!  You are special, and you are loved!  Please do not take your precious, precious God-given life for any reason! There are more than 13 reasons why you need to stay and live the life that God has planned for you!  It may hurt now, but believe me, it will get better!

Suicide–Resources and stories from the Billy Graham Association

Peace with God




Movie Review-The Shack

I saw the move The Shack with my parents this past weekend.  I read the book in 2009, and I posted a book review on my other blog (which I no longer update BTW, but it’s there) after my read.  I went back and read the book review, and surprisingly, I would say my movie review in 2017 would pretty much match my book review in 2009, but I’m going to do a brief review of the movie.

The movie opens by jumping around jerkily between the main character’s (Mack) childhood, his current life, and the event that brought on the “Great Sadness.”  That was a bit disorienting and distracting because it’s not done well, but the movie finally settles down into a mostly linear timeline.  The acting at the beginning is also kind of stunted among all the characters except for the adorable Missy.  In the beginning of the movie the dialogue is almost all in a whisper especially from Sam Worthington’s “Mack” who I felt was trying to channel an angst-y Batman or Wolverine character.  That was also quite frustrating, at times, during the whole movie.  Except for two scenes that he played well Sam W. never quite sold me on the depth Mack’s suffering.

I did enjoy Octavia Spencer’s acting as God “aka “Papa.” “Jesus” and the “Holy Spirit” were  more one-dimensional characters, but still endearing.

I will admit that I started crying when the Holy Spirit collected Mack’s tears, and my tears came again intermittently throughout the reminder of the movie, but this was due to the imagery and my own pain bubbling up.  My mom kept passing me Kleenex, and she shed some tears also.

As I stated in my original book review Universalism is implied in the movie, but I’ve also found Universalism hinted at in many other Christian fiction books and movies.  I didn’t feel this movie over played it.  More on that in a moment.  Some people were also upset that God is portrayed as a black woman (and then later as a Native-American “Great Spirit” man) and the Holy Spirit as an Asian woman, but I didn’t have a problem with it.  When Mack questions this himself  “Papa”/God says (loosely quoted), “I don’t think you could handle me as a father figure right now.”

Some evangelicals  have been up in arms about the book’s Universalism implication since it came out in 2007-2008, and they’re just as upset about the movie version.  Books have even been written to discredit the book.  While I don’t ascribe to Universalism, I am an evangelical myself,  I fail to see the need to go to such lengths to discredit a work of fiction.  It’s overkill.  Even if the story had been based on someone’s actual experience I don’t think it’s anyone’s place to discredit what someone experiences in a vision or near-death experience, but that’s neither here or there for this book.  Read it for what it is…a story…and make your own conclusions.  I  get very frustrated at times with the Christian community for feeling they have to dissect everything down to the jot and tittle.  Most people can make up their own minds about a story without theologians making their minds up for them.  At the end  of the day I always go back to God’s Word as the final authority in my life.  A book or a movie is not going to change my mind one way or another.

Now, back to the movie.  I enjoyed it for the same reasons I enjoyed the book.  I mean, who wouldn’t want to have an encounter/vision of God, The Son, and Holy Spirit?  The movie does make you think about God’s attributes, especially his justness and sovereignty.  It also challenges us about judgment and forgiveness.  More movies are coming out, even secular films, that are touching on that, and I think that it’s a good thing even if it doesn’t match our own theology to a tee.

Conclusion:  Go into the movie, The Shack, as you would any movie.  You’re seeing a story, in this case a fictional story, but a story that will make you think about God, and help you remember that while we will never understand everything that happens to us and others on this Earth in the end God truly is “very fond” of us.

God’s Sovereignty

Many people have pondered it.  Theologians have examined it, dissected it, and debated it. We all have to come to a personal conclusion about it.  The first major hurdle in spirituality as a whole is believing in God’s existence.  Yes, you have to believe that He’s there and in the atonement for our sins through the death and resurrection of His Son, Jesus Christ.  So fundamental.  But I believe the most important spiritual issue we face in this life after that elementary step is understanding God’s sovereignty.  How we view God’s sovereignty will affect how we interpret everything that happens in our life good or seemingly bad.

God has many attributes.  I have studied these extensively in my recent Biblical counseling experience.  If you’re looking for an extensive list go here.  Delving into God’s sovereignty takes a lot of heart and mind energy.  For some it becomes a full-blown existential crisis while others float through much of their life without giving it much thought.  That is until tragedy strikes which it inevitably will in everyone’s life either directly or indirectly.  I dare say most people deal with tragedy very directly at some point in their lives even if it’s only when they face their own physical mortality.   But let’s be real, most of us deal with tragedy or loss several times throughout our lifetime.

Why was I singled out for barrenness? 

Why did my husband abandon me? 

Those have been the biggies in my life so far.  I’ll admit the former question caused me to get stuck in the mire for many years.  The latter, while nearly soul crushing, was used as an unlikely springboard for a journey out of the mire.

Does everything happen for a reason? Yes, but maybe not in the way we normally postulate to arrive at the question.

You see, God gives us a free will.  Because of that free will we make decisions and our decisions set in motion a set of consequences.  God has spiritual laws much like He has laws for nature.  The law of gravity for instance is a natural law.  If anyone goes and jumps off a building they are going to hit the ground.  No exceptions.  Same goes for God’s spiritual laws.   If we make decisions that stay within God’s laws then God will honor that obedience.  If we make decisions that go against God’s spiritual laws then there will be consequences. No exceptions.   The Ten Commandments were the first spiritual laws conveyed to humans, so if you want to stay within God’s spiritual laws and not jump off any proverbial spiritual buildings and go “splat” stay within those laws.  There is even more elaboration throughout the Word, but the Ten Commandments are pretty much common-sense spiritual laws everyone needs to follow in this life to stay in line with God’s spiritual law.

So am I barren because of my sin?  Is it a curse?

Well, let’s…hypothetically…say I had an abortion when I was young.  The abortion caused scar tissue in my womb that later prevented an embryo from attaching to my uterine wall thus rendering me barren.  Then, yes, I would be barren  because of my sin.  This has happened to many women post abortion.

But in my case I am barren because of a hormonal issue that caused my follicles (eggs) not to develop or release properly.  Is that the result of my sin? No.

In either case am I cursed?  No.

Now, if you read the Old Testament you will find examples of where God cursed people with barrenness; however, when Jesus died on the cross and rose to atone for our sins he made a new covenant with us that pretty much did away with the old “curse” system.  Now, that’s a long discussion itself, Old versus New Covenant, and I won’t go into that much detail here, but to summarize, thank God I live in the age of the New Covenant!  I don’t have to sacrifice animals yearly to atone for sin, and because Jesus’ blood covered it all!  God

I think I wasted many years wondering if there was some kind of sin I hadn’t confessed  that was causing me to be barren.  I really don’t believe that’s the case, because I have accepted Jesus’ sacrifice and atonement for my sins.  Even if I had had an abortion which caused scarring, or made a bad decision that lead to an accident that rendered me barren it’s not a curse.  It’s a natural consequence of God’s natural laws.  In the end, I believe it all comes down to God’s sovereignty.

In regards to consequences…not only is God sovereign he is also omniscient (knowing all of the past and the future).  He knows at times we’re going to make good decisions and at times we’re going to make bad decisions.  Is he waiting up there with a Holy Hammer waiting to bonk us on the head like a game of Whack-a-Mole?  No, He uses the (just) consequences of our sin to try and move us towards Him, but He will not override our free will.  He even uses our free will in His sovereign design.  So many Bible stories illustrate that.   Joseph’s brothers when they sold him into slavery. Pharoah’s hard heart that wouldn’t let the Israelites freely leave Egypt.  David when he slept with Bathsheba…and many more.  All these bad decisions were used to advance God’s kingdom and His people.  Did those decisions have some heavy and adverse consequences for those making them?  Yes, but in the end God’s will prevailed!

Now, if someone lives in outright rebellion to God and resists even the consequential urgings of God to get on the right track God won’t overrule that.  He will continue to act justly in that situation, but at some point that person’s heart gets so hardened they can’t or won’t turn from their sin,  or their time runs out, and the window for repentance is closed…forever.

Sometimes people make decisions that affect us greatly.  When we are abandoned by a friend, a family member, or a spouse the fall-out can be huge. Yet, God still works these situations for our good.  Over time we can see how God used a situation caused by someone else to lovingly show us that He loves us enough to remove us from a bad situation or a toxic relationship that was going to harm us (or continue to harm us) in some way if it continued.

I said a lot, but really, this is just a very small encapsulation of what I’ve come to understand about God’s sovereignty.  God ultimately wants everyone to come to Him and to follow His plan for a Godly life.  He knows we are fallen humans, so he lovingly…even firmly…at times tries to get us on the right path through consequences.  Sometimes he allows us to go through things (think Job) to further solidify our trust in Him.  If we are surrendered to Him and following Him even the bad things that come to us  out of our direct control are used to advance His perfect will for our lives.  He even uses our mistakes for our good.   This realization has brought me to a greater peace in my life, and I’m thankful I’ve taken the time to study and reflect on the attributes of God, especially His sovereignty.  He is completely trustworthy!

Be Anxious for Nothing…

6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:6-7-Source:  Bible Gateway

“Be anxious for nothing…” A four-word phrase, but probably one of the most pregnant-with-meaning phrases in the New Testament if not the whole Bible.

All my life I have struggled with anxiety.  Some of it is by heredity.  I have many extended family members who are on anxiety meds, so I don’t discount DNA factors at all.  It plays a part in some types of anxiety; however, I also believe that DNA doesn’t have to dictate one’s destiny.  I think a big factor in spiritual/emotional/mental health is how we deal with the things that are handed down to us genetically, by nurture, as well as our by our own God-given personality traits.

In my public life I’ve been able to play it cool most of the time.  You would never know this is a struggle within me.  My anxiety publicly usually is masked by  perkiness, talking, and high energy..  Some of what I term anxiety is actually excitement, but even my excitement can be tinged with an anxious undertone.  Those of you who deal with anxiety will understand that feeling.  To function well in everyday life I’ve learned to channel my anxiety/excitement in productive ways (that’s actually a good thing!).

But so-called good anxiety aside I still, at times, deal with the yucky, Calgon-take-me-away type of anxiety.  In fact, for years, it colored almost everything I did.  Even the excitement anxiety would spiral into anxiety attacks at times.  Example:  Being excited about taking a vacation (a good thing) but ahead of it becoming so overwhelmed by everything I needed to do to prepare for the vacation I would loose sleep, worry (especially about my pets I was getting ready to leave) that by the time the day came to leave for said vacation I would be an anxious moody mess and take it out on my significant other(s).  It would usually take  2-3 days once reaching my vacation destination to relax…that is if I ever did relax!

This is something I’ve taken great pains to work on in the last few years.  I’ve not done it alone.  I’ve had the wonderful support of counselors and friends who have held my hand as I’ve walked this journey to whom I’m very grateful.  Primarily, I’ve relied on God’s help.

What I’ve learned through Biblical counseling is that we do have to lean on God heavily to deal with things like anxiety, but how on earth do we “Be anxious for nothing?”  If you stop at the “Be anxious for nothing” phrase and don’t read the context of what follows in verses 6 and 7 it would seem like an impossible task.  What follows that phrase are the keys to carrying out that seemingly impossible task:

” …but in everything by prayer and supplication…”   Let’s get very literal about the phrase “Be anxious for nothing” God tells us to not BE anxious, but that doesn’t imply that we will never feel anxious.  God gave us the ability to feel anxious.  When real dangers come anxiety is a good thing.  It triggers our fight or flight response via our adrenal glands.  So, we will feel anxious at times appropriately.  The problem with us who have chronic anxiety issues is that somewhere along the way our bodies either by DNA, but mostly by our thoughts, learned to perceive so many things in our daily lives as threats that were actually not true threats…at least not the fight or flight type of threats. We actually thought ourselves into being anxious.  There is a big difference in feeling and being.  As long as we’re on this fallen earth we at times are going to feel anxious.  The main principle of not letting feeling become being follows that initial four-word phrase, “…but in everything by prayer and supplication…”  When we feel anxious we’re supposed to immediately take those feelings to God.  The instruction doesn’t change whether it’s a real threat or just a perceived threat.  We immediately take it God.  Now, if a speeding bus is barreling towards you, get out of the way first, of course, but when it’s our feelings we cry out to God either internally or externally.  I’ll be the first to admit when feelings of anxiety hit it’s become habitual for me to immediately whisper or even shout “Lord, help me!”  I try not to do it in social settings, but I find actually speaking that simple plea out loud when those anxious feelings hit can actually do wonders.  Do the feelings immediately go away?  Sometimes yes, but oftentimes no, but when prayer is my go-to reaction to anxiety the anxiety at least reduces, because I’ve just told “Daddy” to handle it.  It’s a release.  It’s not always appropriate for me to stop and go into a long prayer, and really, a long prayer is not always necessary.  A simple “help!” is all that is needed even if it’s spoken inwardly from your soul.

But there are times when “supplication” is needed…when you really get nitty-gritty with God about a situation that is threatening to usurp your peace, or has usurped your peace to the point you are being anxious.  That’s when you go to God, and say, “God, I’ve moved from feeling anxious to being anxious, and that’s what Your Word tells me not to do.  [This situation] is really disrupting my peace, and I need Your help in not only fighting my battle(s) in this situation, but I need to lean on You to give me peace…”

“with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God…”   This goes along with prayer and supplication.  Tell him what you would like to see happen.  Many of us have become disheartened that God hasn’t given us what we’ve asked for (e.g.babies), but God always answers our prayers even when at times our prayers haven not been answered in the way we hoped.  I’m to the point in my journey that I’m beginning to see why God didn’t always give me the exact desires of my heart.  In some ways I will not understand until I stand before Him after I leave this earth, but as the big picture unfolds over time there are ah-ha moments.  I’ve had several in the last few years to the point that I can honestly say, “I am GLAD You didn’t answer in the way I asked.”  Still, God tells us to ask, and like a good father (and He is a good father) He will decide if what we are asking for is in our best interest or not, and he ALWAYS has our best interest at heart.  That’s the most comforting thing about complete trust in God’s ways.  He will never give us anything that is not in alignment with His divine will for us.  And so when we don’t get something…even if we feel disappointed for a while…thank Him for His ways are higher than ours.  That’s why I think this part of the verse is prefaced “with thanksgving” because we should already be thankful for what God is going to do with the request before we even make the request.  It’s already ALL GOOD!

“…and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”   And there you go…the full circle of how to not be anxious.  Once we’ve done what we are to do…prayer, supplication, thanksgiving, and requesting…God promises to give us the peace that passes all understanding, and He will guard your and mind through Christ Jesus.  Done.   

So, you see, it’s a process.  If you are waiting for the day that you won’t feel anxious you’ll go through life feeling like you’re failing at this anxiety thing everyday.  When you have that feeling that threatens or…and let’s face it, we’re sinful humans… we dissolve into being anxious we need to focus on minds on Philippians 4: 6-7 which is God’s remedy for being anxious.  The more we learn to catch our anxiety at the feeling stage, and use God’s process, the less we’ll find ourselves being anxious.

And I’m alive today because of of these verses…




Back in the writing saddle…somewhat

Another year, another blog post.  Yes, I’m averaging about one a year.  Gold writing star for me! While writing more is not a New Year’s resolution…I gave up on those years ago…I do feel the desire to write again.  It’s something that God is placing on my heart.  I’ve been talking to Him about what to write in what format and whether it should be public or not, and I really hear nothing but “write” so here I go…

I don’t “need” to make my writing public.  In fact, this last year I’ve become a very private person for more than one reason.  Deeply personal reasons aside I feel like too much of what I used to feel and say was said publicly on social media.  I started inwardly cringing so much about that, that my temporary Facebook hiatus has now turned into an aversion so great that the thought of going back there would be akin to jumping back into a toxic swamp. If I did I would have to go back years and years and delete and delete.  The thought of that brings on something akin to dry heaves.  So, no, FB my account staying deactivated is just the way it needs to be for me and for the world.

I know that social media has it’s positives, but the few positives it afforded me have been held down and drowned in that toxic swamp by all the negatives and my own past misuse of it. Yes, I miss my friends there who are miles and even countries away, but I’ve overcome that with actually communicating with them directly.  Now, I will admit I don’t communicate as much as a should, but what a novel idea to write them directly, call them or even better make sacrifices to actually see them face to face when and if possible!

I’m not completely a social media recluse yet you think I’ve become of some anti-social media super-cool hipster (ha!  Me a hipster?  I don’t even own a plaid shirt!) I’m still on Instagram because I occasionally go to cool places and take pretty pictures, but even my postings there average about once every three months!

The reason I’m blogging is because the thought that my writing might be seen by maybe a handful of people will make me somewhat accountable for what I am writing.  Right now as I look at how many “I’s” and “I’ms” are in this post it screams “all about me.” I’ll try to remedy that…but then again, maybe not.

I will try to be vulnerable without dishing about my private life.  This is not because I’m that super-cool hipster that’s above it all (I do have some new nerdy glasses’ frames.  I’ll give myself some hipster credit for that) but because what I want to share is what God has shown me spiritually in the last year or so. I want it to be about Him and not about me.

2016 was a transition year for me in so many ways.  It was at times wonderful and at times difficult, sometimes simultaneously.  Becoming a true adult in your late 40’s is not for the faint of heart.  It really is hard to teach an old dog new tricks, but I’m living proof that with God’s help it can accomplished.  Believe me, there are days when I don’t want to adult, but the joys of truly surrendering myself to my God and allowing Him to do the maturing work in me are so above and beyond the difficult moments. With the help of my Savior, Godly friends and counselors I look back on the person I was and cannot believe I’m the same person.  Now, there are days the enemy tries to taunt me with the old fears and anxieties, but it only lasts for moments, hours, days.  I even have bad weeks, but consistently God is doing such a redeeming work in me that I find it hard to put the experience into words.  I’m going to try though…

I will disclaimer all that to say I don’t know how much I will post, but my goal is more than once a year.  Just to cover the bases though if I don’t write until next year I pray your 2017 brings to you many blessings and that God will do for you what He’s so consistently been doing for me.





Hello Again

I have sorely neglected this blog.  It’s been nearly a year since my last post.   I am amazed that I’m still getting any traffic at all, but still several people visit this humble little site everyday.

I am doing well.  Things have not changed for  me circumstantially, but it’s okay.  God still has me on a journey and is still teaching me many things along the way.  I read a quote in a devotional this week that said, “If God brings it to me it must be for my good.”  Reminds me of a verse I have used as my life verse in the last several years.  “And we know that God works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to this purpose.”  (Romans 8:28).   Not not all things are good, but He works all things for the good even our own screw ups!

Let’s just face it…. some things are just bad.  Don’t I know!  You can sugar-coat things all day long and/or live in denial, but some things just down right stink.  STILL, I remember that Bible verse and the above quote from Streams in the Desert.  

I don’t know what the future holds, and that’s as it should be.  I’m hoping for a period of stable times, devoted love, and not facing a life crisis daily.  But on days I don’t feel like I can go on God always gives me the ability to make it through that day, and then the next one and the next one.  They key is leaning on Him for everything, and I have to remind myself of that daily.

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day, and while that day doesn’t carry as much emotional weight as it used to for me there is a bit of melancholy associated with it.  I acknowledge it, feel it, shed a few tears if I must, and then I move on with my day.  I don’t allow myself to feel isolated by these types of holidays anymore.  This particular holiday is not for me, but I won’t allow that fact to cripple me emotionally anymore and make me feel “less than”.  There is a difference in acknowledgement of one’s emotions (it’s not good to repress either) and letting them cripple you.  This applies to all situations we face.

So to all of you non-moms out there you are not alone, and just because one Hallmark holiday doesn’t apply to you doesn’t mean you are worthless.  You are EXACTLY who and where God wants you to be.  And if He brought it, it IS for your good even if it doesn’t feel particularly lovely.

Hugs and Prayers my Friends!

The Pursuer

Ever since she was a little girl she felt it; someone was pursuing her.  It wasn’t a person.  She knew it wasn’t someone that was tangibly flesh and blood.  It was a presence, yes, maybe something akin to a guardian angel.  As a mere child she had heard of angels, so if she had even dared to speak of her pursuer she might have described him as an angel since deep spirituality was something that hadn’t even dawned on her immature mind.  It was more of a feeling than anything tangible.  It just was, and it felt special to her.  

She felt special to the pursuer, and he did things to make her feel special.  Just where he placed her on the earth made her feel set apart.  Being surrounded by the spectacular mountains and the beautiful azure blue sky made her feel as if she had been dropped into the portico of Heaven.   Her playgrounds were the rivers and woods.  Her hometown felt like Mayberry.  Her family felt like the Waltons even though she only had one sibling.  She had tons of cousins though and loving grandparents.  Looking back she describes her childhood as ridiculously idyllic; something 1970’s television shows were made of.

She even  felt immortal in some way.  She felt different from others, but not in a better-than-them way.  Just special…set apart. Her mom and dad were faithful church goers, so she heard all the Biblical teachings on life and death; heaven and hell.  One Sunday she sat in church listening to the pastor talk about death, and in her mind she told herself that she would not allow herself to die.  When death tried to come for her she would will herself to keep breathing and her heart to keep beating.  Of course, this was very naive, but in her earliest recollections she understood that her spirit was eternal, not merely something that would live up to 100 years and just disintegrate into the ground along with her body.  The concept of eternal life was there but not in the practical understanding much less in the spiritual.

Still, as she grew she began to realize that even though her life felt charmed in many ways there was something missing.  She began to fantasize about a father who would die for her.  She made up elaborate fantasies in her mind about a father  who would fight Indians, kidnappers and would go to the ends of the earth to find and save her.  When he found her he would hold and protect her and declare to her his undying love through tears of love.  In those fantasies she felt perfectly loved, perfectly safe, perfectly secure.

The fantasies were not because she didn’t have a loving father, because she did, but her daddy wasn’t a demonstrative man.  He loved her through providing so well for her, taking her on arrowhead hunts, and rides in his Jeep.  The fantasies were because the void was there, formed by the Pursuer.  At that time she thought that her fantasy father would meet those needs deep-down inside that her own father couldn’t.  Her father didn’t know how to handle the strong emotions of this little girl who needed to be loved in a way he could not.  He didn’t have experience with little girls, because he never had a sister, only brothers.  It wasn’t any fault of his. Not many men ever understand the psyche of a woman nor are they supposed to, but the little girl didn’t understand that.  She began to feel that she didn’t measure up and not complete, so she retreated into her fantasies.  She had a great imagination and often demonstrated that in creative ways, but what the fantasies were doing was setting up unreal expectations for her relationships with people…men in particular.

It would take many years for her to understand all she was supposed to understand.  Still, the Pursuer kept pursuing even though as the years marched she didn’t understand Who the Pursuer was.  He was the one who who would go to the ends of the earth rescue her.  In fact, He had already rescued her.  She just didn’t know it.  

The Promise…


This is the time of year…especially when the Winter has been long and cold…it feels like Spring will never come.  The landscape is gray and brown; the lingering snow piles are a dingy black, and the flora and fauna seem so dormant that a stranger to this world would actually declare them dead.

But if you slow down, look closely and pay close attention you will see the telltale signs that things are not really as they seem. The evergreen that is never fazed. Winter weeds that withstand even the harshest cold temps and the crocus…the small yet glorious promise from God that no matter how cold and long the Winter the Earth will bloom again.

I believe nature is a beautiful allegory of how God works in our lives and the promise that He is always creating new and beautiful things in our lives no matter how dead things may seem.

On Acceptance

Recently I’ve been pondering the concept of acceptance since I really feel like God wants me to get to a place of accepting whatever life throws at me. From my own observation letting go, surrender, and acceptance is a process especially when it’s a big unplanned life situation such as childlessness or a broken relationship.

In the last two days I have heard two messages on acceptance and this came from two very different sources…a secular psychologist via a radio show and a minister. I have no doubt that both messages were sent straight from God as they both echoed the same points.

I know I have found myself crying out to God many, many times, “This is not how my life was supposed to turn out.” I think that’s probably what a lot of us have said to God at some point in our lives. I think part of the lie we in Western culture have believed is that if we take time to plan, work hard enough/believe hard enough that we will eventually live our dream and we will get all we want out of life.

It’s really, to put it mildly, a crock of bull.

The majority of humans on this planet wake up with just the basics in mind…food, water, and shelter not knowing if they’ll even have it that day. The minority in the first world wake up wondering if they’ll be fulfilled in their life and endeavors. While they have all they need and most of what they want they still end up feeling emptier at the end of the day then the person in a third-world country living in a lean-to hut who just had a meager bowl of rice to eat that day.

So, to say to God, “This is not how my life was supposed to turn out” is really questioning His sovereignty in our lives. What I am finally learning is that where I am today is EXACTLY where I am supposed to be. The same goes for you.

Now, you may be saying, “Well, what if I’ve made mistakes and now I seem to be paying the consequences.” Well, yes, our choices do help determine our circumstances because God allows us free will; however, God is with you in your free will too. Sometimes He allows those adverse consequences to mold us into what we are ultimately supposed to be because it wouldn’t have happened in any other way than the route you took.

See, God is still with us even when we screw up. He’s always waiting for us to quit fighting the process and to turn back to Him for wisdom. This brings up another subject that I know all too well. Sometimes we are in the position we are due to the decisions of others. I think that’s the hardest thing to accept, however, if we allow the decisions of others to destroy us it’s only because we have given them the power to destroy us. That is not a power we should allow them to have. Yes, we are affected, but God will use that abuse, desertion, and betrayal to put us on a path toward a bright future if we’ll just surrender to what He’s going to do through this season.

To sum it up: Acceptance means trusting that God has you right where you need to be even if it’s a place you never thought you would be.

Believe it my friends and live…

Breathing in Your Grace…

Your Grace Finds Me…that Matt Redmon song was on the radio as I set off to do my Saturday morning errands.  It’s one of the songs that has spoken to the deep recesses of my heart during this season…grace in the midst of the storm…God’s little whispers, and sometimes outright shouts that everything will not only be okay it already is okay.

I was singing this at the top of my lungs in the car this morning not because my circumstances and emotions were in the right place but because sometimes we have to sing/speak of His unseen hand to declare to our unstable hearts that the Person we put our faith in is real.

Emotionally and circumstantially its not been the greatest week,  but yet I have been given a lot of protection, grace and favor this week too.

On Thursday night I came home to find my front door wide open.  This was after a wonderful dinner with a new-found friend who is walking the same journey as I.  We talked for three and a half hours.  Such a God connection as the story of our connecting came about purely by two…not just one…divinely appointed meetings.

So coming home to find my front door wide open was a buzz-kill for a moment anyway.  My front door needs to either be replaced or rehung as the house settling over the years has warped it.  This Summer it didn’t want to open so my husband did a temporary fix on it to give the locking mechanism more room to move.  Well, now that lower humidity has come with the colder weather the doorway has expanded and the mechanism doesn’t get good connection.  If I don’t get the deadbolt tightly secure the door will open with just a gust of wind.

Fortunately, a criminal did not come by and take advantage of the situation and even more miraculous was the fact that none of my cats…one in particular who is an escape artist…took advantage of the situation.  They were all inside when I got home.  My furnace was running like crazy, and the big evidence that the door had been open for hours was the fact that it was 93 degrees in my closed-off bedroom.


Well, today as I ran errands I was looking for an outfit to wear to a wedding tomorrow.  Living on a single income for the past 10 months has really exercised my frugal muscles.  I get frugality naturally from the way I was raised, but let’s be honest, all girls like pretty new outfits.  I’m no exception.  So armed with a meager budget off shopping I go whispering a prayer.  Well, I found a pair of boots for $17 and a dress for $15.


There’s a blood shortage in my area and because I am the universal blood type (O negative) I decided to stop in the blood center and donate.  A year ago I had left a much-loved coat there accidentally.  I had called back the next day to see if it was still there and the person on the phone assured me it wasn’t.  I believed them and prayed that whoever picked it up really needed it and would be blessed by it.  So what do I see hanging on the coat rack when I walked in the blood center today?  My coat!  I told the employee working up front, “Um, you’re going to think I’m crazy or trying to steal a coat, but I think that’s my coat.”. She said, “Did you leave it here over a year ago?”. I said, “Yes!”. She said, “Well, it’s yours because that’s how long its been hanging there.  We didn’t give up on its finding its owner.”


To top the day off I stopped into Chick-Fil-A  for lunch since I had a gift card I had gotten for Christmas.  They were having “Circus Day” for the kids.  A friendly clown walked up and gave me a card (photos below) with scripture.

Ah, God whispers…this week audible shouts filled with Grace…


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