Bad Days…

I knew when I started this blog about thriving and not just surviving childlessness that I was going to meet up with resistance and I don’t mean from people, but in the spiritual realm.  As a Christian I believe that every experience I have has its origin in the spiritual realm.  Now, I’m not going to get all “out there” on you, but it never fails that when I step out to do what I feel that God is telling me to do I inevitably come up against challenges both in the physical world and in the spiritual world.

In the last few months a lot has been going on in my life both outwardly and under the surface.  As with most people the rising price of gas and almost everything else has taken it’s toll on our budget which means our lifestyle has suffered a bit.  Financial challenge has been an almost ever-present thing in our marriage since the get-go, and I won’t go into details, but let’s just say even though we are D.I.N.K.s (double income no kids) we often find ourselves tight when it comes to money.

I’m going to confess something here…I tend to rely on money for a sense of security often at the expense of my reliance on God.  I know it’s wrong and against God’s Word, but it’s one of the manifestations of how I was raised.  There is nothing wrong with how I was raised, because I was raised to be frugal and saving, but a lot of decisions in my family’s life was based on being financially prudent.  There was very little risk-taking by my parents other than an investment in a toothbrush innovation which I’m sad to say didn’t pan out.  There were good sides to the frugality.  My mother, for the most part, was able to be a stay-at-home mom, and we enjoyed the simple things, but there were times I wished we’d live a little.

Fast forward to the point I met my husband.  He is an adventurous spirit, and if I ever suggested anything he’d say “let’s do it.”  To this day he’s still that way.  Because I had a repressed adventurous side in me too I fell completely and totally in love with him.  Now, his family’s answer to any financial bind was “charge it”.  Both of his parents worked, but yet things were always tight for them…still are.

So, put the two of us together in matrimony and you have two people with two different views on money management with the husband being the dominant personality. Throw several years of career crisis, several moves,  and infertility treatments in the mix and ta-da…debt issues!

With all the strikes against us though it’s amazing how God has provided and kept us from financial disaster.  While we both have great jobs working in ministry things get a little tenuous from time to time.  I have to stop here and praise hubby, because while he may have done the lion’s share of the spending he’s always worked like the dickens to keep us afloat.  He’s never had just one job.  for instance,  presently, in addition to his technical training job at the ministry he builds and repairs computers, and that helps bring in the extra money we need.

Okay, back to the point of this post.  I have had a bad weekend…you know, one of those weekends that starts off promising and then goes downhill quickly.   We went to the park for hubby to practice his hobby of kite flying.  I took a book and a chair and sat under a tree, but all I could see were all the families with their little kids having a good time.  I’ve not seen my family since the first of July and I miss them, but I don’t have the gas money to go see them right now.  We got paid on Friday, and by Saturday we’re almost broke from paying the mortgage and the bills, and we have approximately 13 days until our next paychecks.  We have built up a modest amount in our savings in the last couple of years, but it almost feels like a sin to touch it even to get us over the hump.  Mix all that together, and you have all the ingredients for good ole pity party, and boy, did I have one.

Well, I was looking forward to church this morning, but when I woke up it was raining and thundering.  I was determined to go though, but hubby had had a bad night with his stomach and didn’t sleep.  I had to go alone.  I hate going to church alone, but I’d be dogged if I’d let satan turn Sunday into a pity party.  I was angry…angry about our infertility and angry that financial difficulty is almost a permanent resident in our home.  I grumbled under my breath all the way to church…first about the idiot who shattered a beer bottle on our street, and secondly because when I stopped at a gas station to get gas…which is enough to get somebody in a bad mood in and of itself…I step out of the car into a great big rain puddle up to my ankle!  Grrrrrr…@&$!  Yes, I swore…on the way to church…while it was lightning…with my foot in a rain puddle.

I finally get to church, and the worship was wonderful.  I cried through most of the music just to “get it out”.  The good thing about going to a pentecostal church is that you can cry and nobody wonders what’s wrong, because most likely the people on either side of you are crying too or lost in worship.   The sermon was powerful as it almost always is.  I could write a whole post about that, and by the end of the service I had done some much needed “releasing” and felt better.   I just wish I could permanently release the things that keep dragging me down all the time.  I give them to Jesus on Sunday but then around Wednesday I snatch them back.  Why do I keep trying to hold onto the things that weigh me down?  I know, it’s ridiculous!

So, this is lament #1 and a long one at that.  I said I wouldn’t do a lot of lamenting…hah!  Welcome to the wonderful bipolar world of Vicki!

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