Things have been hectic for me for the last week or so…that’s why my blogging has been sparse. There have been a lot of demands on my time from family and work. I really bit off more than I could chew, scheduled some things too close together, and the end result was an immune system shut down. I got sick.
I know I’m not a mom, and sometimes I feel like a wimp because I complain when things get hectic in my seemingly sparse household. There’s always this little nagging voice in the back of my brain saying, “Well, think about what it would be like if you had kids!” Sometimes I let that voice nag me to the point of exhaustion…like I have to keep up with all the moms of the world in order to be significant and useful. I have done better in the recent past, but in the last two weeks I’ve fallen back into the trap of trying to be everything to everybody. While I get a lot of stuff accomplished during these periods of negative motivation it’s always at the expense of my physical or emotional health…sometimes both. This time it’s physical, and what should have been a two or three-day bout of sinusitis has stretched into seven. I’ve given myself until tomorrow to improve or it’s off to the doctor with me.
I’m not complaining too much…I’ve had some wonderful experiences in the last week even in the midst of sickness. Professionally, I’ve added to my resume and had a wonderful experience that I may never get to have again. I’ve also had some quality time with my family. So, I’m sitting on the fence this time thinking that maybe the “push” and the busyness was worth the physical toll.
Again, I know that in comparison with other peoples’ lives my stress level seems insignificant, but in the last year I’ve learned the value of (trying) not to compare myself with others. I’ve tried not to feel guilty about feeling overwhelmed and desiring downtime and rest. God has orchestrated my life, and He knows exactly what my limits are and what is best for me. Sometimes I fail to see my own limits, and when I do I often make the mistake of pushing past them. If only I could really learn to rest and trust in God. My pastor spoke about that this morning in relation to the economic crisis our country is going through. People are fretting everywhere, and I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit to having a mini-meltdown about it this week myself.
At some point I had to shut down Google Reader and back away from the computer and say, “God, you’re in control, and I’m not.” I hate not being in control, but really none of us are. If we convince ourselves we have everything under control we’re only lying to ourselves. We control nothing…our next heartbeat, our next breath…nothing. It’s all in God’s hands, and so far he has taken care of me. It doesn’t mean that I won’t go through hard times, but in the end it’s all going to work out okay.
So, I’m going to end this entry…take off my bullet-proof bracelets, golden lasso, and this very uncomfortable eagle boostiae and chill out on the couch!