I struggle with how open to be in my blog posts. I kind of get turned off by bloggers who chronicle everything from their sex life to their bowel habits. But a blog is supposed to be a place where one chronicles their true thoughts and feelings; so, it’s a toss-up for me. I do feel, however, that I’m not doing the handful of folks who read my blog any good unless I’m being “real”, and by “real” I mean telling you exactly what is on my mind and heart….sans the sex life and bowel habits. I promise you I won’t go there. I’m old fashioned in that I think both should stay in the bedroom and bathroom respectively (and respectfully).
I have mentioned to you before that I deal with depression…mostly situational and mostly fleeting. I do not take meds for it…not that I have anything against meds. Sometimes meds are necessary, but I’ve never come to the point in my life where depression rendered me unable to function or was so long-term that I was in complete misery for months on end.
I also think my depression tends to have a seasonal component…meaning that it is more prevalent in Winter. My mother is the same way. That’s why we take our vacations in mid to late Spring, because Winter usually renders us ready to escape the house/work for a while when the weather finally becomes warm and sunny.
I know my depression has a hormonal component, and if I had ever had a normal cycle in my life I think I could be better armed to deal with it. If I knew that I was going to be hormonal, say, the last two weeks of my cycle then I could prepare for it and see it for what it is; thus have a plan of attack against it. But since my cycles have no pattern whatsoever it takes a few days into a hormonal funk for me to say, “Oh, this is hormonal” and off to the drugstore I go for Premsyn PMS.
I think with the above mentioned items the fact that the world is filled with doom and gloom, there have been layoffs at my work, and the fact that there are some serious longstanding and ongoing problems in my husband’s family which have recently gotten worse I have bottomed out.
I’m also tired of fighting my body…so utterly tired. I did manage to lose 15 pounds last Summer and have kept most of it off, but right now I feel like an out of shape blob. I do try and walk some everyday but it seems that I’m never going to win the battle of the bulge.
This evening I have spent some time reading some Fat Blogs…blogs from people who are as tired of the battle as I am. I’m not militant about it like some, but I think if there are two groups of people in America who are being targeted with a vengeance it’s Christians and fat people (of which I am both). I agree that fat people have been discriminated against, unfairly judged, and even persecuted to an extent. I know of a person who was recently told by her boss that she was going to have to lose some weight to keep up with him!!! Poor girl…she feels that she can’t go to H.R. about it…she’s THAT beat down by him and the perception that there is something really wrong with her because she’s overweight. My take is if she’s truly not measuring up on her job performance talk to her about that not the fact that she’s overweight! I’M overweight, and I keep up with a demanding job very well, thank you.
I guess another thing that put me over the edge on the fat issue today was comments made by Laura Ingraham about Meghan McCain. This is not about the politics that spurred the argument between them (I agree more with Laura than Meghan in that arena) it was that Laura described Meghan as “plus-sized” making a snarky comment about her size. Meghan then said that Laura could kiss her big fat rear end (and yes, I’m paraphrasing).
I have spent most of my life fighting the battle of the bulge, and I think I’m done. I’m not huge, and I’m not really unhealthy with the exception of PCOS. For a while I was told that PCOS was caused by an insulin-resistance problem, but when I was tested for insulin resistance I was within normal range. No one really knows if PCOS is really caused by being overweight or if it is genetic, but recent studies are leaning more towards a genetic or an (outside) environmental cause (Note: In my high school years when I maintained a healthy weight I still had no periods without the aid of birth control pills).
So, I guess that you can say that I’m moving into the fat acceptance community. I mean, not accepting my fat has gotten me nowhere. I’m not any thinner for it. I have decided that I’m probably going to be fat the rest of my life. So be it. At some point you have to quit fighting a war of futility which is what this one is for me.
I will continue trying to pursue healthy habits. Saying that I’m accepting my fatness is not a declaration that I’m going to dive head-first into a Quarter Pounder everyday, but if I want one occasionally I’ll get one.
I will still exercise. I’m not one that can become a couch potato anyway. That would make me even more depressed inside of a day. I detest being idle.
Anyway, I would appreciate any input, because I know that many of you out there probably feel the same way. I’m just the person bold enough (or stupid enough) to admit this.