It’s been a little while since I’ve written…sorry for the dry spell. I guess my last post pretty well eluded to the fact that I’m (we’re) going through a rough patch right this moment. It’s safe to say that we’re not the only ones going through a rough patch. Oh, I could stretch out my arms to the right or the left and easily touch many folks I know going through rough times.
I’ll say right up front. My problems are minimal considering what some are going through…loss of a job, cancer, loss of a loved one. I could have it considerably worse…much, much worse.
I was blindsided by this rough patch though. I was going along just fine…making progress in embracing and accepting my life for what it was, and then BAM! A sucker punch hit me upside the head. That was followed by a series of minor blows, and a descent into self-pity which has pretty much held me captive for the last several months.
I’ll admit I don’t deal well with situations outside my control, and I can count at least five situations right now that are not going my way and are firmly out of my control. I don’t know exactly when I became a control freak, but it must have been around the time I married…maybe that day. For the five years I was engaged to my hubby life was mostly a fairytale with very few bumps along the way. I finished college and planned my fairytale wedding. Life was bliss even though I was working very hard. Life is blissful when you are achieving goals and have something tangible to look forward to.
Then on the evening I said, “I do” we were driving to our hotel in Savannah, and the seriousness of what had just transpired washed over me. I was taking my turn driving when I looked at my husband asleep in the passenger seat. I said to myself “I am a wife…I am HIS wife.” I felt a sense of responsibility wash over me like a heavy blanket even though I was enormously happy that we were finally married.
After the honeymoon I got very serious about my wifely domestic duties. Even though we lived two months in his parents’ basement before we moved into an apartment on the college campus where hubby went to school that little space was mine to keep clean. I took that very seriously! When we finally moved into our apartment I got even more serious about being the perfect wife.
Well, I pretty much stunk at being the perfect wife, but that didn’t stop me from trying to be one. Fast forward about two years, and things got really serious when we began to try and have a baby, and we all know how that turned out. Because I could not perform this pinnacle of wifely duties my self-esteem took a serious blow which at this time has turned into a 17-year blow to my self esteem.
I mean, who can stand under a 17-year pummeling of their self esteem?
I have never really gotten over the fact that I cannot have a child, and these last few months have amplified that. I am jealous of those who can have children, and I don’t like that. I want this 17-year-old ghost to leave me alone, but it just keeps rearing it’s ugly head. It continually chants “failure…failure…FAILURE”, and I find myself listening to it, defining my life by it, and pretty much being miserable to live with.
Over the weekend hubby and I realized how great a toll this has taken on us…that and our misguided attempts to be the fix-all people in our families. We have lost ourselves in trying to be everything we cannot be. No wonder we feel hopeless and helpless! We were not called to be the things we are trying to be…parents, and the savior of those who refuse to be saved and/or take charge of their own lives and happiness.
We talked again today about the steps we need to take to ensure that we get our lives and marriage back on track. We realize we must give EVERYTHING…our hopes, our dreams, our health, and our future over to HIM (meaning God). I have to stop letting the inability to have children define who I am. I have to slay the perfection/failure ghost. We also have to further define boundaries with our families and people who continually demand too much from us. This will involve us saying, “no”…something we very rarely ever do because we are both people pleasers.
Oh…that’s going to be about as pleasant as Chinese water torture, but it’s very necessary.
We also have to redefine as well as legitimize our family of two. If we don’t declare ourselves a family worth defending then nobody will. Society is doing it’s darnedest to tear down God’s definition of family. So we all…no matter the size and make-up of our family…have to be extra-vigilant when it comes to protecting our family
Hopefully, this is the turning point in our family and in this rough patch. There will definitely be bumpy roads ahead of us, but with the Lord’s help and our love we can ride it out.