It’s been one of those difficult weeks…not for any major reason, but just one of those weeks when just the drudgery of living sort of gets you down. I’ve always been a girl that needs something to look forward to. While I love the comfort and predictable-ness of routine it can also be my arch nemesis. When days pass and it’s just get up, get ready, go to work, come home, eat some dinner, do some chores, and go to bed I start to get bored with life.
My life is full contrasts. While I love adventure I also love the comfort of what’s familiar…what’s safe. Those two different sides of my personality are almost always in conflict. My husband is adventurous and and is not afraid to try new things. Over the years he’s become my safe-place in new adventures, and honestly, if it wasn’t for him I probably would’ve never worked up the courage to do the things I have. Honestly, there have been times he’s dragged me kicking and screaming. He’s my great motivator…the one who pulls me out of my shell and into new things. Once I’m there I’m usually very grateful that he did. God really knew what I needed in a partner.
Over the last several months I’ve been restless. It happens every few years in my life, especially in my career. If I’m not somewhat challenged in my work I become bored. This is not a good time for one to become bored in their job given the current economic crisis, but I am dealing with that and will not deny it. I’m so fortunate to have a job, and honestly, it’s a great job. There are the inevitable office politics that come into play…which I hate…but for the most part it’s a wonderful, pinch-me-I-think-I’m-dreaming type of job as I’m working for one of the most influential men of the 20th-21st century!
However, It has been difficult being one of the survivors of the lay-offs that happened earlier in the year. While those of us who remain are thankful to be there you live with the realization that you’re just another sum on a spreadsheet somewhere, and your worth is now dictated more by the bottom line than by your actual job performance. That’s doubly difficult when you work in a ministry and feel at least somewhat of a calling to do what you do. You feel that you are working for God, but at the same time you are also working in the corporate world. It’s really hard to mesh those two realities into one identity and resolve it in your mind.
I’ve also had a really down week about my childlessness. Grief has reared it’s ugly head again and combine that with anger and resentment over things happening in the family which seem to never get resolved it sets up a real funk for me.
I’m also actively grieving over the loss of something very deep and intimate within our marriage, which like infertility, is sometimes fixable but many times is not. In our case it is marginally fixable, but it will never be what it used to be. I won’t go into details…many of you may have already guessed what this is…but there is a great sense of loss for both of us.
What that added loss I keep fighting the pervasive feeling that we’re always going to be losing something…our youth, our loved ones, our health, our vitality etc. etc. While we are blessed beyond measure at forty we’ve seemed to have started going downhill…or at the very least we’ve plateaued. I know it’s all a state of mind, but circumstances also tend to point that way. I don’t swallow that well. I want to keep moving forward not backward, but I find myself swimming upstream now and really feeling my age.
I apologize for this downer post. I hesitate writing the bad stuff, but again, it’s a part of life. If I wrote as if everything was happiness and rainbows all the time then it wouldn’t be honest of me. I’d almost made the decision to stop blogging when a certain encourager (you know who you are) wrote me this week at the height of my discouragement and encouraged me to keep going. She had no idea that I was really struggling with everything…including blogging. What a God thing!
And that’s Who I have to keep leaning on…God. While my adult life has not been easy I can see God’s hand all the way through it. I’ll admit I still don’t understand a lot of what He’s doing in my life, but I know He’s there, and He hasn’t let me go yet. So, I push on…through the good weeks and the bad…the adventurous and ho-hum…because I know HE’s walking beside me and when need be He picks me up and carries me.