Psalm 94:19 When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul!
I’ve not written much lately, because #1, I’ve been busy, and #2, I’ve struggled a bit with what to write. To be blatantly honest I’ve struggled with whether or not I want to keep doing this bloggy thing. I’m getting maybe one or two hits on this site a day, so I really wonder if my blog is contributing anything to the blogosphere. Of course, I’m like most bloggers, I want to know that people are actually reading my blog and getting something from it. I feel there are a lot of folks out there who walk the journey of childlessness, but I also get a sense that even the folks who are dealing with this trial try not to think about it as much as possible much less read blogs about it. I know that because there are times I don’t want to read blogs about it, go to childless forums or even think about that thing I was never allowed to have.
I also wonder just how much writing about it affects me negatively. I mean, just last week I spent a couple of hours on a VERY BAD DAY writing a lengthy lament about my lot in life. It was raining. I was depressed, and I was very frustrated with my husband. I composed the draft but told myself that I was going to wait until later that evening to post it to give myself some time to decide if it was really how I felt or if I was just blowing off steam for the sake of blowing off steam.
Later, when I re-read the draft the first thought in my mind was “Eh gads! That makes me want to go grab a gun and blow my head off. That’s not going on the blog…uh uh!” See, just a few short hours later I felt much differently about the day and my life. Then I regretted that I had spent two hours of my life composing that depressing draft. Emotions are lying, fleeting little buggers, and the enemy sure knows how to use them to get your whole day off track.
I do want to reach a consistent place of peace with the path God has laid out in front of me. I don’t want to be reactionary and let my emotions take complete control over me anymore. I’ve been a slave to my emotions most of my life, and I have allowed them to ruin the quality of my life more times than I can count.
Blogging is essentially journaling for the whole world to see. Of course, I have complete creative control over what I put on this site, but just because one can doesn’t mean one should. I have read blogs from people who describe every intimate detail of their life, and honestly, it’s a little…or a lot…off-putting. I know it human nature to love a train wreck, but I don’t want to be a train wreck. I want to be a good example of someone who can swim through the muck and mire of life, be real about it, but not shake that muck and mire off on people and just walk away. I want you and myself to be aware that even though we all walk through some pretty terrible trials in life that we make it through…with scars…but we make it through by the grace and love of God alone. That’s right…with God alone. Every day I live the more I realize that without God I would not make it. Oh, I might live, but I could not live abundantly and healed. I would be the train wreck that everyone would gawk at with pity. Without him I would continue to be broken, and the only thing I would be contributing to the world is more brokenness. That’s the last thing the world needs.
So, I continue to seek God on the direction of my life and this blog. Does God want me to continue it, and if so what should I write about? I know that God gave me, however humble, some writing skills. Having a good grasp of the English language and using those skills via transcription has helped keep food on our table and kibble in our cats’ bowls for almost twenty years. So, I know I’m supposed to be writing but what?
I’m open to suggestions from God and you, because God can use you to help me!
See, we’re all used by God in some way!