Just a small vent. Last night I watched the “1st GrandDuggar” episode (where Josh and Anna have their baby). I really like their show and sort of live vicariously through that show…because having one kid is most likely something I’ll never experience much less nineteen.
Anyway, I know I expose myself to potentially upsetting emotions by watching that show. I just figure it’s something that goes along with the territory.
Well, last evening I was upset about something that had nothing to do with children…I think it’s a combination of circumstances and raging hormones…but Idecided I was going to watch the show to wind down.
Well, when Josh was asked about how many children he and Anna were planning to have he said something to the effect of (very loosely quoted) “Well, it’s in God’s hands. God said he would never give us any more than we can handle. So he won’t give us more children than we can handle.”
I agree with the statement because God does tell us that he will not give us more than we can handle. I’m assuming Josh Duggar based his statement upon this scripture—1 Corinthians 10:13 (NIV)
“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.”
You can interchange the word “temptation” for “situation” or “problem”. The Hebrew word for “temptation” has a broader definition than the English meaning of temptation.
This is the question that is continually in the back of my mind…and I’m sure other folks who have dealt with life-long infertility and/or the closed doors of adoption…”Did God not allow me to have/adopt a child because he thought I couldn’t handle it?”
Josh Duggar’s innocent and faith-inspired quote was, again, like a dagger to my soul and brought the old nagging question back to the forefront of my mind. Satan has used it so many times to get me completely down and unsure of myself to the point that I think it’s a character flaw in me that has withheld this blessing that seems to be given freely and in abundance to most people.
Couple this with the fact that I just found out yet another family member is expecting…it’s just more than I can bear in my limited mind today.
The longer I walk down this lonely path of childlessness the more I realize I don’t have any answers. I can only draw conclusions based on what I know about God.
So, okay, maybe…just maybe God decided I wasn’t cut out to be mother. If that is true then is it really a condemnation upon me? The enemy (Satan) constantly throws that interpretation in my face to discourage me. However, I am God’s child, and if everything I believe is true then I have to believe that everything He does in my life is for my good:
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 (NIV)
It’s really hard to accept that my condition is the work of God’s love in my life. However, is there really any other conclusion? We all know people out there who are not good parents…selfish, irresponsible…etc., etc., but yet, God allowed them to be parents for whatever reason. The hardest thing for me to accept is that God is a personal God. Yes, there are absolutes…things that God says, “This applies to everyone across the board”, but the majority of the time God works on a personal level with everyone. It’s so hard for me to wrap my brain around that…that God can work with every human being on earth on personal, intimate level. What is good for me in His eyes is not always good for the next person.
See where am I going with this?
When He formed me in my mother’s womb He already had all my days planned. He knew every decision I would make…every trial I would face…and the fact that I would be childless. He already knew! Why would He go to the trouble to make me if my life was not useful in some way?
Again, I don’t know…I don’t know if I’ll ever know why he made me the way I am, but what I do know…and what I cling desperately to…is the fact that I am not a mistake and I’m not defective. I’m exactly who He designed me to be, and right now and for the rest of my life…that has to be enough.