Today I feel as if I’m on a hamster wheel. I’m spinning and spinning and working and working and getting nowhere. I’ve had a good week, really. I’ve tried to stay away from all the negative things, but no matter how hard I try the negatives start throwing themselves in my face eventually. I had a horrible weekend last week…a meltdown…the old, ugly weekend anxiety thing. I have too much time to think on the weekends. While keeping busy would be a great way to combat it I cannot keep busy 24/7 and live for very long.
The things that are rearing their ugly heads are things that have plagued me for years. I won’t go into detail, because they involve people I love. I don’t like to air my dirty laundry to the public, because in this case it’s other people’s dirty laundry too, and that just wouldn’t be fair.
I want to live a happy, fulfilled life. I want all my relationships to be peaceful and harmonious, but then reality sets in, and I start to wonder if I’m really going to survive it all. It seems a few mistakes I made in my twenties are going to forever haunt me. While it’s nice to say, “Leave your past in the past” sometimes your past won’t leave you. It keeps banging on your door demanding that you pay your consequences.
I’m not one who gives up on responsibility, but when the other side does not make it fair and makes it impossible for you ever to be free from their chains I’m wondering if “giving up” is the only way out?
Again, I’m talking in code, but it’s necessary.
So, I sit here on the precipice of another pity party this weekend hoping that I don’t fall over the edge, I’m fighting by being as logical as I can be. It doesn’t matter if I have a pity party, a worry party, or a crying party. It won’t change the reality that there are a couple of things in my life that really stink, and the possibility of them being anything but stinky for a long time (or forever) is not very high.
I also give it the Lord, and hope one day He will fix it all. I’ll keep running on this hamster wheel, because right now, it’s the only thing I can do. It’s not God’s fault that I am where I am today, but He’s my only hope. Only with Him can I survive to keep fighting another day. If it weren’t for Him I’d given up a long time ago. He’s the only thing holding all of us together.