The holidays were okay but ended in a crashing thud. Right now, I don’t even know what to say but that I’m in the fight of my life, and it appears that I’m on the ropes. I feel like I’m hopeless to do anything about the rapid deterioration going on at this moment in my life. It’s like the problems have taken on a life of their own, and I’m powerless to stem the tide of their destruction. I have been trying so hard to make everything better, but in the end all I seem to do is make things worse. This journey has stolen so much from me…my love for life, my hope, my dreams, my sanity, and now maybe even the thing that has meant the most to me for so many years.
I’m crying out to Jesus, but He feels a million miles away. Does He want this to happen? Is this his will? If it is then it goes against everything I was taught to believe about the sovereignty of my Lord. I can’t resign to that…I can’t!
I can move past my disappointments, the failure of my body to do what it was supposedly intended to do, but I can’t move past what that failure has done to others…what it has affected on my marriage…especially my marriage…and in every other aspect of my life.
It is my proverbial thorn in the side, and right now it is burrowing in deeper than it ever has before.