Holding on a Little Better

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I feel I need to post a follow up to yesterday’s painful post.  The thing about this journey is that everyday is different.  Monday was horrible…probably one of the most horrible days I’ve had in a while, although I’ve had several of “those days” in the last couple of months.  I feel like I’m living in some kind of nightmare that only happens to others.  Granted, things could be a whole lot worse, and I know that; however, when something is not right in your life or the life your spouse, and the situation seems to have taken on a downward spiral of its own at that point it sure seems like things can’t get much worse.

What started it all is that our trip back from our hometown was filled with tears, screaming, and blame for the condition in which we find ourselves.  It seems that the trips to our hometown are always what light a fuse for us.  Now, it would be easy if we could just avoid “going home” all together, but that’s not possible without causing all kinds of hurt feelings and family drama.  More drama is exactly what we don’t need right now.  Honestly, as much as we love our hometown and family, going home…especially around the holidays always proves to be an exercise in torture.  My parents…well, my mom especially…are clingy to the point of being jealous of the time we spend with anyone else.  On the other hand hubby’s parents are too focused on their daughter and her children to really pay much attention to us.  This time all of their focus was on “the baby” and every little coo, giggle, and cute face he made.

Oh, he’s adorable alright.  It’s totally understandable why they make such a fuss over him.  I spent a lot of my weekend making a fuss over him myself…holding him, feeding him, lavishing his chubby cheeks with kisses, but inevitably in a couple of days it’s time to go home to “our life” which hasn’t been a bed of roses for a long time.  I think this time the thought of coming home for my husband was almost too much, while I could not wait to get home and away from all the frustrations of trying to make my family, hubby’s family, and hubby happy for Christmas.   In the end nobody was happy, and I felt that burden so heavily.

It’s my stupid womb yet again…”a dry barren, place where my (husband’s) seed can find no purchase”. (Quote from the movie Raising Arizona).

It seems that my reproductive system is the reason that no one in my family can have a merry Christmas.  I knew that when Thanksgiving ended in tears, a trip home two weeks ago ended with my mom in tears and accusing us of things that weren’t true that this year the holidays were going to suck again.  I tried everything I could to make them good.  I decorated, I did 98% of the Christmas shopping.  I baked and cooked myself into exhaustion all while trying to take care of two sick cats, hold down a full time job and keep our household running,  In the end none of it worked.  Everyone in my family was determined to be depressed and irritable for Christmas, and yet again, it felt like it was all my fault.

So by the time I left my hometown on Monday, had to endure my husband’s stoney silence for an hour I lost it, and it all came gushing forth like a dam bursting under flood waters…and it wasn’t pretty.

Things improved on Tuesday.  I think both of us really needed to be home whether we (hubby especially) realized it or not.  Fortunately, we are off from work this week, and it has been lovely to just rest and not worry about having to be somewhere at any specific time.  Last night we went with some friends to see Avatar and had a great time.  This morning we stayed in bed extra late and were able to talk calmly about how things need to change for us.  We’ve let so many outside forces into our marriage and our home.  To protect our home and marriage has become our shared New Year’s resolution.  I hope it sticks.

Things are not 100% better.  My husband is grieving and is finding it hard to face the rest of his life without being referred to as “Dad”.  I know that society would not frown upon him if he “put me away”.  He knows that he could without society doing as much as batting an eyelash, but as far as we’re concerned we have a “covenant marriage.” While divorce is not an option in our eyes on the bad days we wonder how much more this marriage can take.

So, we’re going to try to make the new year a time of renewal.  Oh, please let it be a time of renewal, Lord!

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3 responses »

  1. I think its such a good idea to have it be a time of renewal. Maybe I should talk to my hubby about that too. There has been a lot of stress and things between us. I really hope things get better for you, and the New Year brings a new golden age in your relationship. My prayers are with you and your hubby. *Hugs*

  2. I am so, so sorry about this struggle and all that it tries to take away. It is such a challenge to keep a marriage strong in the face of infertility. Thanks for opening up about this — I can truly relate. Praying for you both in 2010.

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