I’m in a deep, brooding, reflective mood today. I’m thinking allegorically. Please humor me while I wax philosophically.
Have you ever tried to swim upstream in a river? It’s not easy. During my late childhood and early adolescence I worked on my grandfather’s tomato farm in the summer. The perk of it, aside from a little pocket money, was that after the work was done in the late afternoon we were allowed to go to the river for a refreshing swim in its cool mountain waters. Sometimes me and my cousins would try to race each other swimming upstream. Those races would not last very long, because we got tired fast! Sometimes you could visibly see the current moving on top of the water, but even in a placid pool there was always a strong current underneath pushing the body of water ever onward towards the sea. Water is a very powerful thing!
That’s the mental picture I got of childlessness today. There are times when we are swimming upstream with a driving instinctual purpose… like the salmon…the years when we are actively trying to conceive. Then there are times when we are in seemingly more placid waters…the years after we give up actively trying to conceive…but yet the undercurrent of culture and relationships are still pushing at you heavily. That’s when you feel like the duck. Your struggle is not so easily visible on the surface, but underneath your little webbed feet are swimming to beat the band against the strong current just under the surface.
That’s where I am today. I am a duck. I’m looking for the pond where the currents are calm, but I just keep finding myself in the ever-moving river trying to stay afloat and not be swept downstream to my demise.
I’ll admit…no one can swim upstream for long under their own power. Only a greater power than the water can save you. I am weary of this upstream swim, and I can no longer swim on my own power at all. There are days like today that I’m afraid that I’ll be swept under. That’s when I have to let go and let God do the swimming for me. Relationships are strained. Finances are tight, and I really don’t know how it’s all going to work out. It may work out fine, or things might take a bigger turn for the worse; however, all I can do is rest on the fact that the Lord promised that He’ll never let me drown.