Infertility is Like Swimming Upstream…

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I’m in a deep, brooding, reflective mood today.  I’m thinking allegorically.  Please humor me while I wax philosophically.

Have you ever tried to swim upstream in a river?  It’s not easy.  During my late childhood and early adolescence I worked on my grandfather’s tomato farm in the summer.  The perk of it, aside from a little pocket money, was that after the work was done in the late afternoon we were allowed to go to the river for a refreshing swim in its cool mountain waters.  Sometimes me and my cousins would try to race each other swimming upstream.  Those races would not last very long, because we got tired fast!  Sometimes you could visibly see the current moving on top of the water, but even in a placid pool there was always a strong current underneath pushing the body of water ever onward towards the sea.  Water is a very powerful thing!

That’s the mental picture I got of childlessness today.  There are times when we are swimming upstream with a driving instinctual purpose… like the salmon…the years when we are actively trying to conceive.  Then there are times when we are in seemingly more placid waters…the years after we give up actively trying to conceive…but yet the undercurrent of culture and relationships are still pushing at you heavily.  That’s when you feel like the duck.  Your struggle is not so easily visible on the surface, but underneath your little webbed feet are swimming to beat the band against the strong current just under the surface.

That’s where I am today.  I am a duck.  I’m looking for the pond where the currents are calm, but I just keep finding myself in the ever-moving river trying to stay afloat and not be swept downstream to my demise.

I’ll admit…no one can swim upstream for long under their own power.  Only a greater power than the water can save you.  I am weary of this upstream swim, and I can no longer swim on my own power at all.  There are days like today that I’m afraid that I’ll be swept under.  That’s when I have to let go and let God do the swimming for me.  Relationships are strained.  Finances are tight, and I really don’t know how it’s all going to work out.  It may work out fine, or things might take a bigger turn for the worse; however, all I can do is rest on the fact that the Lord promised that He’ll never let me drown.

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3 responses »

  1. Definitely an appropriate analogy. Thank God we have Him as our life raft when we get too tired to keep swimming!

  2. I am a Christian woman and just read swimming upstream and between reading and tears I so agree! I will be 40 yrs. old in Dec. of this yr. and I have no biological children either. I have 2 wonderful adult step children and one grandson whom I love dearly, but it just isn’t the same. I am glad that there are people out here that understand it just isn’t the same.
    I have been looking a group of Christian women who understands this life and also understanding that for some reason it IS Gods will. Something that as long as I breath on this earth I will not understand but I have to live knowing that this is His will and that is how I manage to live day by day knowing that I will never be a mother to any children of my own & believing in Christ and His will is what gets me through.
    Looking forward to hearing from you!

    • Chebsheart, Thank you for commenting!

      Please check out this website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.com

      This site is a network of childless folks, and while not everyone there is Christian the site is hosted by a fine group of Christian folks. Everyone there is SO supportive. It’s truly a haven/safe place for the childless. I have made so many friends on that site, and I am even meeting one of those friends face-to-face at the end of this month!

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