A Change of Direction

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There are times in life when you choose to turn around go another way, and then there are times in life where you have no choice.  The pass is closed, or the bridge is out.  You have to turn around or risk driving into a snowdrift or off of a cliff.

In the last six months I’ve been dangerously close to plowing into that snowdrift or off that cliff.  In the last couple of weeks I’ve even wondered if I had already passed the point of no return.  That is yet to be seen.

However, at 42 I have decided that too much of my adult life has been wasted focusing on this failed dream.   This “condition” has stolen so much for me, and I’m mad…darn mad.

I’m sorry to speak so vaguely about the circumstances leading up to this decision, but I’m not the only one suffering from my reproductive system’s failure to do what it was meant to do.  It has seriously affected all my relationships.  Because I wouldn’t want anyone to start a blog and air their dirty laundry concerning me I won’t air my dirty laundry concerning them.  Let’s just say that my infertility, by it’s nature, has hurt them.  But even worse,  how it has changed me has hurt them.  I’ve come to realize that even though I can’t change the former I can change the latter with much prayer and effort.

I started the “effort” by spending Mother’s Day weekend alone.  My husband wished to go see his mother.  I had just spent a week with my mother the week before (while on vacation), and I really wasn’t in the mood to spend a weekend out of town, so I sent him on his own.  I needed some time to think, relax, and to make my plan of action to put this whole ordeal behind me.

Easier said than done, I know, but to put feet to that decision I even went to church alone on Mother’s Day.   By taking this first little step it was a declaration that I am no longer going to allow the difficult days of the year have power over me.   I will face them head on…feel what I feel…but then move on to the next day.   Taking this step alone (without my husband) was very symbolic, because I have leaned on him emotionally very heavily over the years to console me on the difficult days.  It’s taken a toll on him.  So, that has to stop.  Like a baby I have to learn to pacify myself (with God’s help, of course).  I think I passed the “Mother’s Day Test” pretty well since I did not feel wistful nor did I shed a tear for the entirety of Mother’s Day.  I am stronger than I think I am.

I will never be able to avoid painful social situations entirely…not unless I become a total recluse…which ain’t gonna happen.  None of us gets out of life without being wounded.   We all wear scars, but it’s completely our decision on how we let those scars affect who we are.   As long as we are still drawing breath we can decide to change our outlook on life.  We don’t have to understand why this  (insert tragedy here)  happened to us.  In fact, we’ll probably never know, but all we have know is that God somehow is working this for our good.  It’s our choice to find that good.

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5 responses »

  1. I appreciate your words. I have been in a similar situation–infertile and trying to move on from it and seeing how it has affected me and the relationships around me. Moving forward is an affirmation of life….Best of luck to you. You are strong!

  2. This new direction and new outlook definitely show your strength and your courage, not to mention your faith. You continue to inspire me (and I’m sure many others) with your words.

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