Yes, There Are Things Worse Than Childlessness

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Well, it’s been a little while since I posted.   A lot of people slow down in the summer.  My life speeds up.  Summer is the busiest time of year where I work…more video shoots, more events..you name it, we’re doing it.   Personally, on the weekends we do a lot of traveling and savoring of the summer.  Keeps us hopping, but we love it.  We’d probably travel more if the pocketbook would allow it.

How am I doing?  Amazingly well under the circumstances.  There have been the usual ups and downs, and some down-right difficult challenges and family conflicts, but I’m taking it in stride which has surprised me.  My mother has been diagnosed with chronic lymphocytic leukemia, although at the time she is asymptomatic.  We find out more next week when she consults with a hematologist…an appointment in which my parents have asked me to accompany them.  I always thought I’d just melt down when one of my parents faced a potentially life-threatening illness, but I’m amazingly calm…concerned yes…but calm.  That’s coming from somewhere beyond my own strength.  It has to be God.

There is also a situation in my husband’s family that is so awful that it makes me glad we don’t have kids…glad we’ll never have to deal with rebellion, criminal activity, drug use, suicide attempts and teenage pregnancy (yep, that’s all going on in the family at the moment).  Honestly, when this stuff happens I look at my situation and I AM  VERY THANKFUL  that we’re childless.  It is hard enough to watch as an aunt…I can’t even imagine it if I were a parent.   Honestly, if  given fore-knowledge with a choice, and I knew I was going to have a child that gave me that much trouble I don’t think I would trade my life as it is now.  That probably makes me a bad person in some folks’ eyes, but like the old saying of “There are some things worse than death” there are some things worse than not having children.  The things going on in the family now are a prime example of that.

Despite all the turmoil that is swirling around me at the moment I feel more steady on my feet than I have felt in years.  Maybe it’s a passing thing, but something tells me it’s not.  I feel like I’ve reached a whole new level.  I feel myself opening up again…able to feel love and, most importantly, give love again.  I’m thankful that I have a wonderful, loving husband even though he continues to go through a challenging time physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I feel immensely blessed that I have an intact and mostly functional nuclear family of two…plus five felines who don’t give us too much ‘tude.

Maybe it’s just summer talking.  I’m hoping I don’t revert again during the Fall and Winter, but I really feel that all of these challenges are molding me into something new.  To use another old saying, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”  I think that’s definitely the case here.

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10 responses »

  1. That which doesn’t kill you does make your stronger. You’ve survived this far and it’s served to make strong enough to help those around you. Although I am so sorry to hear all your news, I can’t help but take a deep breath knowing you’re standing tall and are able to be there for those who need you now. And there are worse things that being childless, even though some days it doesn’t seem like it. Stay strong. You will be in my thoughts.

  2. I just found your site through Lisa’s.

    I feel the same way about not wanting to trade what I have with my husband for a “problem child.” We can be bad people together! 🙂

    I hope the meeting for your mom is a positive one!

  3. Sorry I’m just now getting caught up. Just want you to know how glad I am to hear that you are feeling strong and confident these days! I will definitely remember your mother in my prayers. Hoping the appointment went well.

  4. My mom’s appointment went well. They think she only has stage 0 to 1 Chronic lymphocytic leukemia since she is mostly asymptomatic. The doctor did feel one small lymph node, but he does not think it’s anything to be concerned with at this time.

    She did undergo some more intensive bloodwork including DNA studies to more correctly stage her disease, and she will get those results this week.

    Thank you for your prayers!

  5. Hi again,

    I realize this was a good month ago, but I’m glad your mom is doing well. Early detection is a good thing, right?

    As far as the rest goes, I have to agree … I am lucky enough to be an aunt of a wonderful little boy who just turned 1. He hasn’t really been a handful yet… I’m sure the “terrible twos” will be here soon enough. It’s a funny thing, sometimes I wonder why I never wanted kids when I see him, yet at the same time, I am oddly fulfilled by visiting him and his parents every few months. Recently I spent a good hour or two playing with him and watching him soak things up. I look forward to teaching him and helping guide him through life in whatever way I can. But I know I saw some of the good parts – that curiosity, love, happiness, laughter – and the bad parts are always there. He has wonderful parents but who knows what could happen. That never knowing, never being able to be there 100% of the time… that’s a horrible thing to face, and I’m not even his mom, yet I’ve had tastes of it enough to catch a glimpse of what parents might go through. Then to watch your kid go through something, whether they appear to be OK with it or not… that’s got to be hard, too.

    I have had a lot of revelations about my own mother in the past couple years because of my experiences and consequent growth. I’ve learned to appreciate all I have because all I don’t have might be a blessing in disguise.

    Glad you’re doing well this summer… and I, too, hope it does not pass as the days become shorter. Life is too short to waste it on tears and angry words, even if we as humans need to express our emotions from time to time. I’ve learned that lesson, time and time again.

    ~whitney

  6. Thanks, Whitney! Being an aunt can have it’s own challenges, because as much as you love your nieces and nephews you don’t have any “say so” in how they are being raised. My husband and I have seen things coming for a long time, but our concerns were ignored, and we were told “you have no idea because you don’t have children.” Now, unfortunately, we were right, but now it’s too late. Just praying that our nephew will get his life back on track somehow.

    Appreciate the comment.

    Blessings,
    Vicki

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