1 : full of yearning or desire tinged with melancholy; also : inspiring such yearning <a wistful memoir>
2 : musingly sad.
Wistful…this funny-looking adjective most adequately describes my mood today. Maybe it’s the progesterone I’m on at the moment. Progesterone levels a lot of things out, but it does make the biological child-want rear its demanding head at times. As I said in my previous post I have been doing better. Actually, I’ve developed a habit of sticking my head in the sand and just ignoring my emotions, Paying my emotions a lot of attention over the years has never done a lot of good, so I’ve been trying the alternative. Most of the time it works, but there are times it doesn’t. Sometimes your emotions demand your attention.
I so want to be done with this, but the specter of childlessness is never far removed. There are definite triggers…holidays, visiting family…ordinary things that most people enjoy immensely but to me have become times when I can be hit with a tsunami of negative emotions.
There are also certain “trigger people”…people God allowed to be parents, but are extremely selfish, treat their children horribly or use them as pawns in their manipulatory games to extort what they want from family. Its fine when you can remove yourself from them, but some people are permanent fixtures in your life, and you have to deal with them whether you like it or not.
Truth is God is actively dealing with me concerning my root of bitterness, and it’s painful, because this thorn in my flesh (infertility) continues to leak poison into every aspect of my life. I’ve begged God to get rid of it…even tried on my own to remedy it, but like Apostle Paul’s “thorn” God is allowing it to be a permanent fixture for whatever reason. (I’m hoping it’s for my good, but for twenty years it has not felt good at all.)
What do you do with the closed door? What do you do when the gaping hole of childlessness is the elephant in the room of your marriage, even though you’ve both reluctantly admitted, albeit not totally accepted, that for the rest of your lives you’re going to be a family of two?
What do you do when you know your life’s incomplete and you see no definite direction to remedy it?
You become well acquainted with the definition of wistfulness, try to live one day at a time, and hope and pray that one day you will eventually find a more stable place of wholeness.