Uncertainty…

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Few things in life are more difficult to live with than uncertainty…at least it is for me.  If I had to describe my life in one word right now it would be “uncertain.”

I guess I’m constantly looking for the time when my life will “turn around” and I will look back at all the struggle of the last 20 years and say, “Now, I know why I went through all of that”, but right now I’m not sure that day is ever going to come.  There are times I scream (inwardly mostly) and say, “God, how is this working out for my good?”  It would be okay if just one aspect of my life was difficult,  but when everything is equally stinky at the same time you begin to wonder why you’ve been singled out for multi-faceted “testing”.

Had I known I was going to be barren I would’ve put more emphasis in college and career.  I was planning to be a mom and not a career woman.  I didn’t need a big fancy degree for that.  Now, 20 years later I find myself frustrated that I didn’t pursue more education  so I could have a more stable career and finances.  I inadvertently, because my lack of knowledge of the future, sold myself short.

Had I known I was (definitely) going to be barren I probably would’ve never married…saving my husband the pain of being a fatherless man and the disappointment and frustration it has caused in my marriage.  Better an old maid than a barren wife…had I known.  I love my husband so very much.  I’m glad he’s in my life, but the toll of barrenness and the disappointment encircling that is a very heavy load for me to bear.

So, I move on into an uncertain future on a thin thread of faith  not knowing how it’s going to work out or if it’s going to work out…praying that it all works out.

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