I used to be so confident, so sure of my future. I wasn’t so naïve to believe that my plans would unfold in the exact way I envisioned, but I was confident that being wife and mother would be my ultimate calling. Needless to say, I’ve come to really appreciate to the phrase, “Do you want to hear God laugh? Tell Him your plans.”
So, I have come to the realization and acceptance that I’m never going to be a mother barring some 4th quarter miracle. And you know what? I’m finding myself more and more okay with that. Really, I am! Just the thought of staying up all night with a fussy infant or chasing an active toddler makes me want to take a long nap. However, it doesn’t negate the fact that the whole experience has scarred and changed me, left me with a huge identity crisis and a huge tendency to be anxious about it all. I have to deal with it everyday and will for the rest of my life. It is what it is.
It’s also left me with a negative outlook on life. I tend to live with the view that all I will ever experience is loss from this point on since I don’t have children and since most of my loved ones are my age or older. Also, when you’ve been kicked around by life a little it’s hard to maintain a positive outlook. A negative outlook becomes a coping mechanism to protect you from further hurt. If you don’t expect good things then you won’t be disappointed when they don’t happen right? Yeah, sucky coping mechanism I know. Being positive is something I have to doggedly work at, and I fail a lot. I’m talking EPIC FAILS, and it affects my closest relationships greatly.
I’m not alone in this predicament I know, and I’m not here to whine about it. I just wish I knew where to go from here. Ministers and psychologists say, “Go for what you’re passionate about.” Well, that’s easy if you have a passion for something. I don’t. I mean, I love to travel, but I’m not in a position to quit my job and pursue my passion for travel. Heck, I can barely afford a yearly trip to the beach 150 miles away much less to Italy. Traveling is something that’ll have to be deferred to a great extent until my retirement…if I get to retire that is.
See, above is an example of my negative-outlook coping mechanism.
Queue positive affirmation: “I will get to retire…I WILL GET TO RETIRE! Me and my husband will travel to exotic lands and eat exotic foods.”
Okay, all that positive thinking (which wore me out by the way) reminds me of the SNL Al Franken/Stuart Smalley “Daily Affirmation” skits, so I’m going to leave on this video (since I’m at a loss to answer any of the questions I posed above and because my other coping mechanism is comedy…one of the best and healthiest coping mechanisms I know!).