Thought I’d check in before the Christmas weekend begins. It’s hard to believe the big day is almost here. So much preparation, and *poof* it’s all over in a flash!
I’ve been extremely busy this month between holiday preparations, an unusually busy December at work, and just everyday life stuff. Being busy is good, because when I’m not busy it gives me too much time to think, and me and too much time to think does not equal a good thing.
I’ve had an unusual amount of holiday cheer this season to the point I wondered what was wrong with me. It’s not like me to be so up and energetic about the holidays, but I am. I credit most of it to finally figuring out that I need to be on a low dose of Prometrium daily. It really evens out my hormone balance as I tend to be estrogen dominant thanks to PCOS. On Prometrium I sleep, I tolerate stress somewhat better, and life seems a lot less daunting…meaning depression is almost non-existent. I say “almost” because circumstances do get the best of me sometimes.
E.g…I’ve had my days of “baby blues” this season. I came to the realization just today that I’m always going to have these days for the rest of my life. Yesterday, I had a particularly bad day. I’d been reading a book set in the in 1880s about a woman who had given up on ever having a husband and family because she was born without a uterus. She knew that no man would want her, because in the 1880s on the frontier men only wanted fertile women who could pop out a bunch of kids to keep the ranch running. Well, in the end she not only gets the man, but during their adventure traveling west they find an abandoned Indian baby, and lo and behold, she has a family!
Even though I was fully aware that this was a work of fiction I became jealous of her and her fictional family…how dumb is that? It was a “Christian book”, and the story reiterated that if you have faith that God will give you the desires of your heart.
Well, I have faith, and God hasn’t given me this ultimate desire of my heart!
I’ve also been watching the Duggar’s “19 Kids and Counting” too much” I know…I know…why do I torture myself? Again, it’s the whole living vicariously thing…
Listen, I’m not downing God here. I truly believe His ways are perfect, but this is one of a couple of issues in my life that I feel that God has been cruelly silent. He has provided for hubby and I in miraculous ways…kept us going when all seem lost, but we both wanted children so badly! Why are we left wanting?
Anyway, reading that book, hearing Michelle Duggar say, “Children are a precious gift of God” coupled with all the holiday cards coming with pictures of happy families and/or sweet little ones in their Christmas outfits sitting by Christmas trees was the perfect storm for some holiday blues. I’ve even tolerated…dare I say “enjoyed” Christmas music this year, but yesterday, when we went into devotions at work (many of you know I work for a major international ministry and we have devotions everyday) they were having Christmas music, and I just lost it…bawled. I didn’t want to hear about the silent night, the little child in the manager, “child this” and “baby that”. I was actually missing the children I’ve never had. To this day I don’t know how you actually miss people who never existed, but I do! Some days I miss them like I do my loved ones who have gone onto their heavenly reward.
Before I could go to my desk and work I had to take 10 to 15 minutes in the bathroom to pull myself back together. I was basically in a funk all day. I thought, “Great, here it is, my Christmas depression three days before Christmas…wonderful!” I have also been under a great deal of pressure at work, and I had several deadlines to meet before end of work yesterday as it was my last day in the office for the year. I got it all done, but by yesterday evening I was done in…completely emotionally spent…exhausted. I thought Christmas vacation was going to miserable.
Queue today…I woke up to renewed energy and the “funk” was miraculously gone. I’ve baked all day and prepared for our trip to see family. I felt like a new person.
I have wrongly equated “moving on” to being grief-free and perpetually emotionally stable. That has been a wrong assumption on my part. Moving on is realizing that you are going to have bad days…and yes, some VERY BAD days, but you will survive them, and they won’t span into months like they did when you were in the throes of IF treatment and coming to terms with your ultimate fate.
So, if you are CNBC please don’t take the bad days to mean you failed to move on. Take them as reassurance that you are a human that has gone through a deep loss and will forever feel that loss…some days more than others; however, if you find joy more days than not you are progressing and are COMPLETELY NORMAL!
If you’re not to that point yet and are still in the throes of IF mess please know that if God withholds the blessing of a child that it will eventually get better. Will it perpetually hurt deep down in your heart? Yes…but it won’t hurt continually and acutely like it does now.
So, to all my friends with children or without children for whatever reason. I wish you a wonderfully blessed Christmas and a prosperous New Year!