Sucker Punched Again…

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I probably shouldn’t bring up deep philosophical questions on a Saturday morning, but here it comes…raw and unhindered…disjointed and a rambling…

Is it too much to expect that I’ll ever be happy without children?

Because, you see, I am not.

I can tell myself all day long, 365  days a year that I can find happiness in this childless state, but I’m not.  I get to a certain point then something happens and my house of cards comes tumbling down again.  Trying to fill this void within anything but children and family is like trying to run my car with water instead of gasoline.  God put an extra dose of mother-desire in my heart, but I have no one to mother.  I am Rachel crying for her children.  I am Hannah blubbering in the temple so demonstratively that the priest thinks she’s drunk.  In my case, my husband thinks I’m a hopeless cause and crazy.  I’m beginning to think he’s right.

Let me put my feelings into a little bit of context.  My grandchildless-not-by-choice mother called me yesterday in tears telling me that one of my two fellow CNBC cousins and her husband were placed with a 3-year-old girl on Thursday.  She was sharing “the good news” with me with her voice breaking and I know it’s not because she was happy.  I could hear the unasked question in her voice:  “Why did you ever stop perusing adoption?  “Why am I now the only one of my brothers and sisters who is not a grandparent?”

Can I fault her for her emotions?  No, no more than some of my family should fault me for mine (even though they do), but what can I say?  I ask God the same questions my mother did nearly every day.   What can I do?  I cannot change the fact that every way we tried to build our family failed with a crashing thud.  Why do I have to continually be slammed in the face with this living hell of childlessness?   Why do I continually have to feel cursed?

Last night we decided to watch some movies.  I had been wanting to see the movie “Despicable Me”, but guess what was one of the major themes of the movie?   Wait for it….adoption!

My reaction was, “God, are you trying to tell me something?  Are you telling me that we totally dropped the ball when stopped pursuing adoption AFTER YOU SLAMMED SEVERAL DOORS IN OUR FACES!?”  After my cousin’s news, and then the movie I’ve been thrown into a tailspin.  There are other reasons I feel completely hopeless about the future of my family, but because they include details of relationships I will not divulge those here.

Again, I am being “raw” here today, but nobody really understands except some of my readers.  I just needed a place to vent this morning.

I know it will get better…yesterday was a sucker punch day…but it’ll never, ever be “okay”.  I have to accept that I’m always going to feel this gaping wound that will not heal even though I will do what I have to do to cope. I wish I could be among the fortunate women who turn this desire off and suddenly finds fulfillment into something else.  For me, its just not happening…at least not yet, and I’m beginning to think it never will.

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6 responses »

  1. Vicki,
    My own experience has been that the wound starts to heal with time, but it’s a slow process. And every now and then you get a sucker punch (like your double-whammy) and it open the wound up again. I’m not sure if the wound will ever fully close, but I hope for you that it starts to hurt a little less. It takes time though.

    And as for turning off the desire? I was going to disagree with you that the desire never goes away, but thinking about it, I think that I have turned down the volume such that I don’t hear it anymore. I think it was a case of survival.

    • I understand where you are coming from. As a whole I am doing better, but I still have very dark times and very dark days. Its mostly family dynamics that bring me down. I also feel like I’ve been forced into this child-free lifestyle. Oh, how I wish I could fully embrace it, but I can’t. I feel like we are “Poor pitiful couple without any children”, who somehow couldn’t get it together enough to even adopt. I feel like I don’t have the “guts” for adoption, and I don’t want to adopt out of a sense of desperation…and if I pursued it right now desperation would be the motivating factor. Anyway, my husband is not on board with adoption anyway…really a moot point all the way around.

      I so wish my mother was a grandmother, and the pressure would not be so great. I feel like I have been through 20 years of disappointing my husband and my parents. It’s hard for anyone’s self esteem to stand up to that without being damaged.

  2. Vicki,

    I am so sorry you are feeling so bad right now but I needed to Thank you –
    Thank you for sharing your innermost feelings.
    In doing so you helped this blogger feel less alone on her journey.
    I think you wrote out EXACTLY how I have been feeling as of late.
    I wish for you that as you continue on in your journey that the “raw moments” become less frequent and less intense. I wish that you are able to find that ever elusive “purpose” we all seek. Mostly I wish that when you do find that purpose, that it brings you untold joy and happiness.
    Take care of yourself!

  3. Oh honey, I know this pain. I do think we will be happy. For me the infertility grief comes in waves. Sometimes I am fine and then something happens and I am gutted again. The holidays were rough. I am so happy they are over. I know I will NEVER be over this but that the pain isn’t always on full blast. When it is on full blast it feels like I haven’t made any progress. But intellectually I know I have.
    Sending you hugs and much love.

    • Thanks Tracey…now that I’m out the “acute phase” I’m much better. Actually, had an open and frank talk with my mother today about it all. She assures me she doesn’t blame me for her grandchildlessness but goes through intense similar emotions as I do when these “joyous life events” happen to others, and we’re left again, with the absence of children/grandchildren in our family.

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