I probably shouldn’t bring up deep philosophical questions on a Saturday morning, but here it comes…raw and unhindered…disjointed and a rambling…
Is it too much to expect that I’ll ever be happy without children?
Because, you see, I am not.
I can tell myself all day long, 365 days a year that I can find happiness in this childless state, but I’m not. I get to a certain point then something happens and my house of cards comes tumbling down again. Trying to fill this void within anything but children and family is like trying to run my car with water instead of gasoline. God put an extra dose of mother-desire in my heart, but I have no one to mother. I am Rachel crying for her children. I am Hannah blubbering in the temple so demonstratively that the priest thinks she’s drunk. In my case, my husband thinks I’m a hopeless cause and crazy. I’m beginning to think he’s right.
Let me put my feelings into a little bit of context. My grandchildless-not-by-choice mother called me yesterday in tears telling me that one of my two fellow CNBC cousins and her husband were placed with a 3-year-old girl on Thursday. She was sharing “the good news” with me with her voice breaking and I know it’s not because she was happy. I could hear the unasked question in her voice: “Why did you ever stop perusing adoption? “Why am I now the only one of my brothers and sisters who is not a grandparent?”
Can I fault her for her emotions? No, no more than some of my family should fault me for mine (even though they do), but what can I say? I ask God the same questions my mother did nearly every day. What can I do? I cannot change the fact that every way we tried to build our family failed with a crashing thud. Why do I have to continually be slammed in the face with this living hell of childlessness? Why do I continually have to feel cursed?
Last night we decided to watch some movies. I had been wanting to see the movie “Despicable Me”, but guess what was one of the major themes of the movie? Wait for it….adoption!
My reaction was, “God, are you trying to tell me something? Are you telling me that we totally dropped the ball when stopped pursuing adoption AFTER YOU SLAMMED SEVERAL DOORS IN OUR FACES!?” After my cousin’s news, and then the movie I’ve been thrown into a tailspin. There are other reasons I feel completely hopeless about the future of my family, but because they include details of relationships I will not divulge those here.
Again, I am being “raw” here today, but nobody really understands except some of my readers. I just needed a place to vent this morning.
I know it will get better…yesterday was a sucker punch day…but it’ll never, ever be “okay”. I have to accept that I’m always going to feel this gaping wound that will not heal even though I will do what I have to do to cope. I wish I could be among the fortunate women who turn this desire off and suddenly finds fulfillment into something else. For me, its just not happening…at least not yet, and I’m beginning to think it never will.