Recovering…

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I felt compelled to follow up yesterday’s “raw” post.   Not that I am ashamed of it.  I’m not.  Writing about my feelings is very cathartic and has become a coping mechanism for me.  Revealing the depth of my feelings to the WWW.  always feels a bit uncomfortable (I’m really a very  private person as a norm), but sometimes I just need to get it out there.  While I feel that my whining, crying, and complaining might discourage I usually get the opposite response… that sharing these thoughts is helpful to some who are walking/have walked the same journey I have.  So, I keep doing it for myself, and my peers.  Again, I don’t advertise this blog to my family.  I am willing to accept the risk that they might find it one day.  If so, they will then see exactly what I have been through if they have the stomach to read it at all.

Most days I’m an encourager.  As hard as it is for me to do so sometimes I always at least try to see the upside of things, but there are days when the hits are so hard, the hormones so wild, that it just comes gushing out in a projectile vomit of emotions.  Lovely, picture eh, but that’s what it is.  Violent, profuse, and not very pretty.

As you can tell I’m having a real difficult time in the faith department right now.  I do believe there is a God.  I believe in Jesus Christ and his death for the sins of the world.  I have seen Him move so many times, and there are things that have happened in my life that cannot be explained by anything but the movement of a loving God working on my behalf.  What I can’t prove or explain or see with my own eyes I have to take on faith, but to me there is just too much evidence of a creator.  What I struggle with are the unanswered “whys” in my life and in other’s lives.

Why do I not have children when that was a huge desire of my heart?

Why does God take beautiful children from their parents via sickness and injury.

Why are some poor, persecuted, and abused?  You know, the same universal questions many ask.

At 42 I’m struggle with why I was asked to walk this path.  There seems to be no logical explanation.  I sort of feel like if  this was my God-given destiny then why wasn’t I called to do something greater than what I’m doing now?  Why do I struggle so?   Why do I feel stuck in so many ways? Why do other women in my similar condition thrive and “move on”?  Why does it seem that when I’ve almost climbed totally out of the pit, something comes along and stomps on my fingers, and down I fall again?

Again, so many “whys” asked to a seemingly silent God.  I feel like I keep failing some sort of test or challenge, and if I can ever pass…like on the show “The Amazing Race”… I’ll get my next instructions.

I have no answers, but this is just how I feel.  I am recovering from the latest blow, probably quicker than I ever have which is probably evidence that I’m stronger than I used to be, but am so looking forward to the day when things don’t affect me as strongly as they do now.

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3 responses »

  1. You know how much I admire you for keeping your faith even as you are CNBC? I couldn’t do it. With losing my hope of being a mother I lost my faith, I lost hope and I lost several friends. I miss having hope and faith. I really do. So I just want you to know that I admire you for keeping both.
    Sending you all kinds of good thoughts, love and hugs.xo

    • Again, thanks. Sometimes my faith holds by a tenuous thread, but it’s still there. I work for an evangelical ministry, but I don’t attempt to force faith on anyone. Faith something we all have to work out on our own. Its so intensely personal.

  2. I once lost my faith…I was once married and had 2 children with my ex husband but that marriage fell apart 2006 due to his unfaithfullness to our family. Now its the year 2013 and I have been with this amazing person that has no children and would like to conceive. Unfortunately Dec 2010 I was diagnosed with uterine cancer and had to have a total abdominal hysterectomy. He knew going into this relationship that I would not be able to have children and was okay with the idea since he never envisioned children in his life. Well after a couple of months he mentioned that he would like children with me. But with the financial burden and being 37 well doesnt look too promising. I know what your thinking but you already have two..I do but there is nothing like having that connection at a higher level of knowing that you have made another human being with someone that you dearly love. My children are 16 and 14 and will never accept him as a step father they will only see him as my husband. Dont get me wrong they get along but the warmth and love that they give to their father will never be my husbands.

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