Published!

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Well, something pretty neat has happened.  A portion of our story will featured in a book on childlessness-not-by-choice that will be out early this Summer.  Pamela Sonnenmoser contacted me last year and asked me to contribute to her book project, and I was honored and privileged to do so.   I submitted what I believe are some of my best blog posts on the subject of unresolved childlessness and how it has affected the life of our family.  Of course, Pamela did all of the hard work, and I’m so excited to see what portion(s) she chose to use.

I want to commend Pamela on her boldness to speak out on a subject that really seems to be one of the last taboo subjects in our culture.   There have been a handful of others who have chosen to share their story in print (and on the internet) in recent years, and they are my heroes (and sheroes).  I am so encouraged that via the web and books that the childless have found their voice even though support from “the fertile world” is anemic to downright non-existent.

Let me give you an example.   I do not cast my CNBC pearls before swine often.   If you’ve been through infertility for say…more than a year you realize that the fertile world as a whole is not very supportive.   Their chosen response is usually no response at all if they can get away with it.  I learned early on that sharing my feelings on infertility/childlessness would cause the fertile to squirm and/or act like they didn’t hear what you said.  Unfortunately, I have experienced the worst examples of this treatment in church and by family members (OUCH!)

Okay, let me stop here and say I’ve come to terms, somewhat, with this treatment, although there are days I would like to shake people and say, “If I told you I had cancer I know you’d at least say ‘I’m so sorry!  Is there anything I can do?’, but when I say, ‘I could not have a baby’ you give me some flippant answer about adoption or ‘you can have one of my kids.  They drive me crazy!’ or simply change the subject.”  I say all of this to say that bearing one’s soul to the fertile world is as risky endeavor.

Example given…last night I shared on Facebook the fact that a portion of our experience will be included in a book coming out soon.  Of course, several of my wonderful CNBC friends congratulated me because they sooo understand the importance, but not one of my non-CNBC friends (including family) have had anything to say at all (26 hours and counting).  I’m sure if I had said I had contributed to a book on business, self-help, or any other subject under the sun I would’ve gotten several congratulatory comments from my friends, but no…cue the sound of  267 crickets.

Listen, I’m a big girl who wears big girl panties.  I honestly did not expect people to gush.  I’m not one to fish for compliments , but one does like to be acknowledged for something significant like this by friends and family.  I always knew that people didn’t like to acknowledge infertility, but wow, I thought people could at least muster a few “congratulations” or “awesomes”.

BUT I refuse to let that get me down.  I have so many wonderful friends I have met through the internet (and a few in person), and they are my peer group.  Without them I would not be at the place I am now.  I think because we have banded together via the internet it has given us a family and the courage to speak out and say, “Hey, we are childless, but we are not worthless.  We can help each other, and we can educate the world and help others who find themselves on this journey.”

And with this new found enlightenment on the utter obliviousness of the fertile world I’d rather have congratulations from 4 of my CNBC  Facebook friends than from, 250 of  my non-CNBC Facebook friends any day.

So there!  Go Pamela and go to the other wonderful contributors to “Beside the Empty Cradle” WE ROCK!

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10 responses »

  1. Vicki, you are amazing. I’ve been following along with you for a while now and as I read this post I can almost picture you standing on a peak waving your CNBC flag and thumbing your nose at the world. I love it.

    Huge congratulations on your publication and kudos for having the guts to tell your story even when you know that some of the people who care about you don’t really want to listen. Sit tight; I feel a change coming in the air.

    Hugs to you.
    Lisa

  2. Hi Vicki, Congratulations!!!! Sadly, I no longer expect much from those who have not been through my own experience. There are a very few exceptions. I have a close friend, who is a single mom, as well as a psychologist with whom its very easy to talk, about all sorts of things, even my anxieties about being cnbc. She is very good at helping me put things in perspective, easing my fears and making me feel optimistic about life in general. I have another close friend who is younger than I am and single. She has such a kind and spiritual soul and I can always talk to her. Outside of that, from family to even my best friends from high school and college, I’d rather not even bring up the topic. In my experience, sadly, they usually have nothing to say or the wrong thing to say. I suppose they are only human and maybe cannot possibly know what they should say or do? Maybe?

  3. That is amazing news! You are able to communicate and share your feelings so well, and I’m sure that you will make a great contribution. You are a brave woman. It’s hard to speak out about something so personal, especially when it’s something not many people understand and, unfortunately, something about which few people seem to express compassion or concern. Kudos to you!

  4. Wow – I was stunned by the lack of congratulations from your non CNBC friends. But it is so true, the desire to hide it and pretend it doesn’t exist. I think we can all relate to that.

    Congratulations on being published! I will go look for it.

    • Thanks Sandy,

      Unfortunately, with nearly 20 years of experience under my belt I’ve learned not to expect too much from anyone. Its sad that it has to be that way, but it is what is.

      Blessings,
      Vicki

  5. Hi Vicki! I am so blessed to have your contributions in Beside the Empty Cradle. It is because of you, and other contributors, that this book could be what it is. I’m so excited for the release because I truly believe it will be life changing for those of us who are CNBC, as well as those in the fertile world who just don’t understand. They cannot possibly educate themselves, so it is my prayer that this book will wind up in their hands as well as other CNBC couples.
    Thanks again for your contributions and support. I am so honored to count you as a friend through this journey.

    Blessings and Joy!
    Pamela

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