As my life is transitioning in my forties from a complete why-oh-why-couldn’t-I-have-a-child mindset…a mindset that pretty much dominated my life from my mid-twenties to my early forties I am sort of transitioning the way I blog here. I want my posts to reflect a more comprehensive view of my life and not just the microchasm of a woman without children. Of course, my life as a woman without children is experienced in a whole different way than a woman with children, and I think it’s good to talk about all aspects of my life as it might give the world insight into what makes me, me.
Not that the world cares, but here goes anyway. I’ll start with a little silly video. This is an example of a food-related discussion that happens between my husband and me everyday.
Yeah…for context, DH is the cereal lover in the video, and I’m the potato lover. Don’t want there to be any confusion there.
I like almost all food…period. I eat when I’m happy, sad, or just indifferent. I’m a social eater. I’m an anti-social eater. There’s really not a time or circumstance in my life where food wouldn’t be a part of the experience. Some people eat to live. I live to eat. Even on my darkest days I’ve managed at some point to consume something. My appetite is not easily swayed, and I rarely suffer digestive upset.
So, it was no surprise when just a few years ago I reached and passed the 2-bill mark. Now, granted, women with PCOS have a tendency towards weight gain, and the likelihood that I’ll ever be a svelte 115-pounder again in my life is slim to none barring some kind of wasting illness. My body is just not metabolically engineered for slimness; however, two years ago I lost thirty pounds on Weight Watchers, and I was proud of myself. It was the first time I had lost 30 pounds since I was in high school when two things happened conducive to weight loss…I was going through a self-esteem draining dating relationship, and I was carrying a 30-pound bass drum around for 4-6 six hours a week in marching band.
Since then its been a slow but progressive creep up. I finally decided to try Watchers Online, because at 200lbs I was feeling lousy both physically and emotionally. It worked, and then I got stuck about around 170. The holidays ensued that year, and I fell off the WW bandwagon.
After several attempts to get back on track again over the next year or so I finally gave up. There is a WW phenomenon…you do see great results, but once you go off its hard to go back on again. True to form I’ve been unable to get back on again. Fortunately, I’ve kept all but about four pounds off for two years. I did learn to eat differently, developed some healthier habits, but gradually…very gradually I see the weight starting to slip back on e.g. the four pounds.
Four pounds shouldn’t freak me out so much, but it does. I really have struggled with my weight in some shape or form for a good portion of my life. It is what is, but like many women I struggle, and even though you’re told time and time again beauty comes from inside you know you are daily being judged by what’s on the outside. It’s just the way humans are. Also, I want to be healthy. I have a lot of genetic and metabolic strikes against me in that department, and I want to stay as healthy as I can for as long as I can. I want to run the timers back on the time-bomb that is me for as long as possible.
Also, my husband is diabetic, and so the pressure to cook healthy food for his benefit is enormous, and I fail…so badly…I fail. Meal planning is not my forte. Honestly, if it were just me at home I could survive on Lean Cuisines and SmartOnes every night, but since my husband likes fresh food, and generally does not like anything frozen it really limits me. I do not have the desire…and sometimes the time…to cook after a long, hard day, and I just do not like to cook under pressure. The same reason I don’t entertain a lot. I’m not a confident cook.
We are fortunate to have wonderful chef-prepared meals every day at work which we get for the bargain price of $4.75 per meal, so lunch is our big meal of the day. So, we tend to just snack at night. Unfortunately, its not always…let me back up…it’s USUALLY not healthy snacking. I have no real excuse except that I’m just lazy in the cooking dept., and I don’t want to pack on the calories at dinner time… for if I cook I’m going eat. The ironic thing is I LOVE to bake, but baked goods are the last thing either of us need.
I do know how to cook healthy, but I don’t know how to cook healthy in a way that is tasty and in a way that will be conducive promoting a healthy-eating habit instead of sending us running two-minutes down the road to Sonic or Chick-Fil-A.
I do love to exercise…although I don’t do it nearly as regularly as I should, but what I have done has probably kept me from even a larger weight gain over the years.
All of this to say…sometimes I feel like its a losing battle…or a gaining battle might be a better term.
I did run across this website today which gave me a good laugh, and instead of whetting my appetite actually gave me good incentive to do a little better. It’s like a high-caloric train wreck. You just can look away:
(I will admit that I would like to go home and try making the deep-fried Milky Ways)
(Don’t worry…I won’t. Please don’t call the food police on me).