Connection…

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Well, the Summer is starting to wind down, but my schedule isn’t.  Work really takes it out of me right now.  In the last month I have booked travel  and handled crew details for about 85 people.  This has required mind-numbing attention to detail.   It’s all good.  Keeps me busy and off the streets, but  all I want to do when I get home is chill…literally…chill, because it’s been so frickin’ hot outside!

Again, there has been lot going on this Summer, a slew trips, the above mentioned avalanche of work , and a possible big life change that didn’t pan out.  So, right now I’m a bit numb and apathetic towards most things.  I’ve had a few “moments” where my childlessness has hit me in the face.  At this point in my life I feel angry when it does, because I do not want to feel these feelings anymore, and resent people and situations that thrust it upon me.   I want to punch childlessness in the face and tell it to stop bullying me, but it’s bigger than me and is still able to push me into my locker and give me swirlys sometimes.

I’m also tired of isolation.  I’m craving connection.  I’m far enough from most of my family that connection is hard to keep going on a weekly basis.  My connection to them pretty much revolves around weekly phone conversations and our monthly weekend visit.  I’m also missing connection with church family.  Due to some life circumstances…the biggy being childlnessness among other things…we have backed off on activity in the church because we don’t know where we fit in the church anymore.  We go most Sundays, but just for worship.  No Bible Study.  No Small groups.   We have loved the church we attend, and are actually members there, but because we live on the other side of the city it’s easy just to attend on Sunday morning only.  We  did try a Sunday Morning Bible study, but with driving, having to arrive early to find parking, and other variables we were spending approximately four hours at church on Sunday morning.  By the end of Bible Study…which we attended after early worship… we became totally restless and unable to focus.   So, we gave up Bible Study.  For about two years I attended a women’s circle on Wednesday night which I dearly loved, but the program changed last year, and our group was mostly split up.  I was so disheartened over that I didn’t return.

Even though we’ve lived in this city for nine years for various reasons we’ve never made this “home.”  I’m craving the feeling of “home” instead of perpetual temporariness.  This was amplified by the fact that just this week the door for the hoped-for life change closed.

It’s time for here to become home, and it’s time to find a community.  Easier said than done, but it needs to happen.

Does anyone have any tricks for finding connection when your life is busy and everyone around you has children?

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4 responses »

  1. Hi there! I’m new to your blog and was just browsing around and came across this entry. I understand 100% what you mean by trying to find out where you fit in. I’ve been trying to find that out as well. And easier said than done…I continue to go to the woman’s group at church even though I am the ONLY one without children because I’m hoping that doesn’t make me less of a woman and I realize that if I retreat it’s only because of how I feel and not that the women wouldn’t want me there. I think I bring lots of other good things to the table as well. That said, again, it’s tough. Some nights I come home and cry, and other times I thank God for placing me right here, right now. I hope you find some “community” that you can feel accepted, challenged, and nourished in. It’s so important I think. I’m looking forward to reading several of your other posts. Thanks for helping me feel less alone on this journey.

    • Thank you for visiting CiCi. I have felt good in some women’s groups. The last one I was in was a good fit, because there were women from all walks of life, singles, mothers, childless women. I got very discouraged when the the group was disbanded after the women’s department in the church made changes to the group programs. The good thing is that I still maintain relationships with several of these ladies. So, not all was lost. Sorry you have to walk this road, but it’s easier when we know we’re not alone.

  2. Thank you so much for your post. I came across this entry. I haven’t got any child of my own and I am married to a man who’s got 2 children, an adult and a 9 yo who does not live with us and lives with her mother 400 miles away and never comes here anyway. I happened twice, that’s for the best and I know It shoulnt be like that but we dont get on. My husband had a vasectomy before I knew him. When I first moved here, I really thought we might adopt a child together, we were not married at the time, but anyway. We didn’t. I know deep down he wouldnt want to just in case it made his daughter might feel jealous or something. He never talked about that but as a wife you just guess certain things, you know your husband. Its my fault I guess, I should have insisted. I tried to talk to him about that but I ended up a lot more angry than anything. Frustration. I have a hard time talking emotions unless I have one drink or two (very bad idea by the way, because in my case, it turns out I’ve got only negative stuff in stock…), I try so much to protect myself that I dont even realise I should let go from time to time. I am a foreigner and I left everything to live with him. I left my beautiful country, family, very very good friends, a very good job very well paid, a beautiful flat in a very well known big Capitale city. And I have lived in this country, in a ridiculously small village for 5 years, and just like you I’ve never made this home. And never will. I do not have any friends here. No one to talk to when I need to. No one to rely to. No shoulder to cry on. I am so unhappy, I am so craving for connection, friendship.
    Like Cici, I really feel relieved I am not alone to feel like that. Thanks for sharing.
    Hugs, Jas

  3. Dear ladies. I came across this blog on one of my ‘bad days’ and I totally connect with everything you are all speaking about. i am 40 years old, have had four miscarriages and been given a 10-20% chance of having a healthy pregnancy with IVF treatment. I have sufferered so much over the last 3 years that I cannot go through with this. I too feel insecure when i’m around most women (who have children) and sometimes i get very defenisive and a little bit sour too if the truth be told. I am trying to deal with this as I know it is not their fault but it is difficult at times. A bad day for me is when I feel like a failure and that puts everything out of context for me: I start feeling a failure at work, with my husband (who i love dearly) because I know how he would like a child. Paradoxically strange is the fact that I don’t even want to think about adoption now..I have been put off having a child completely so that makes me wonder if it is right this way? I think we have to put things into perspective and realise that there are so many other challenges out there and producing off spring is not the only one. My difficulty is finding women who i can talk to about this..of course no women would ever admit to having made the wrong choice by having a child but some will not hesitate to ask you “why you don’t have children”? There are still days which I think will never end because of the social situation I find myself in (by the way I am British and married to an Italian and living in Italy)..this very culturally different society also makes it a bit more complicated at times! However, there are other days like some of you where I think “thank heavens I can do what I want, when i want and not make compromises”…It’s great to be able to write all this down and I thank you in advance for any comments you wish you make…keep stong ladies, there is a world out there for us to explore and no one can stop us from doing that

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