Well, the Summer is starting to wind down, but my schedule isn’t. Work really takes it out of me right now. In the last month I have booked travel and handled crew details for about 85 people. This has required mind-numbing attention to detail. It’s all good. Keeps me busy and off the streets, but all I want to do when I get home is chill…literally…chill, because it’s been so frickin’ hot outside!
Again, there has been lot going on this Summer, a slew trips, the above mentioned avalanche of work , and a possible big life change that didn’t pan out. So, right now I’m a bit numb and apathetic towards most things. I’ve had a few “moments” where my childlessness has hit me in the face. At this point in my life I feel angry when it does, because I do not want to feel these feelings anymore, and resent people and situations that thrust it upon me. I want to punch childlessness in the face and tell it to stop bullying me, but it’s bigger than me and is still able to push me into my locker and give me swirlys sometimes.
I’m also tired of isolation. I’m craving connection. I’m far enough from most of my family that connection is hard to keep going on a weekly basis. My connection to them pretty much revolves around weekly phone conversations and our monthly weekend visit. I’m also missing connection with church family. Due to some life circumstances…the biggy being childlnessness among other things…we have backed off on activity in the church because we don’t know where we fit in the church anymore. We go most Sundays, but just for worship. No Bible Study. No Small groups. We have loved the church we attend, and are actually members there, but because we live on the other side of the city it’s easy just to attend on Sunday morning only. We did try a Sunday Morning Bible study, but with driving, having to arrive early to find parking, and other variables we were spending approximately four hours at church on Sunday morning. By the end of Bible Study…which we attended after early worship… we became totally restless and unable to focus. So, we gave up Bible Study. For about two years I attended a women’s circle on Wednesday night which I dearly loved, but the program changed last year, and our group was mostly split up. I was so disheartened over that I didn’t return.
Even though we’ve lived in this city for nine years for various reasons we’ve never made this “home.” I’m craving the feeling of “home” instead of perpetual temporariness. This was amplified by the fact that just this week the door for the hoped-for life change closed.
It’s time for here to become home, and it’s time to find a community. Easier said than done, but it needs to happen.
Does anyone have any tricks for finding connection when your life is busy and everyone around you has children?