Dichotomy is Thy Name

I’m so back and forth in how I feel about my childlessness these days.  My moods swing like a pendulum at times.  Last weekend, out of the blue, I had one of my off-the-charts anxiety attacks about it.  I don’t know where it came from.  I had a lovely Saturday morning and Saturday afternoon, but Saturday evening it hit me like a train.  I guess I started thinking about how much my life doesn’t seem to change from year to year, and with a whole new year stretching out in front of me it all feels so overwhelming.  I woke up Sunday morning with the wet blanket of depression on me.  It literally felt like I was carrying something heavy on my shoulders.  I didn’t go to church, and I cried on hubby’s shoulder for a couple of hours.  He was frustrated with me, because he doesn’t want/doesn’t know how to be my counselor.   I get over it pretty quickly, although I do carry around a low-level malaise most of the time.  Maybe that’s normal maybe it’s not, but I function well most days and have many good to down-right great days.  I think the low-level malaise is something you obtain after any great loss.  It’s always going to be lurking deep, down inside no matter how much you heal, and will rise to the surface if the conditions are just right.

I’ve been working on the anxiety (with related depression)  in the past few years, and I can say that it’s definitely more under control than it was two years ago, but I do have the occasional no good, rotten, very bad day.  Oddly, the bad days usually come during weekends and holidays when I have more down time and more time to think.  I’m a chronic over-thinker/analyzer, and believe me, there are days I envy the ditzy people of the universe.  Oh, to just turn my brain off would be bliss!

Fast forward to mid-week…I’ve been hearing of a lot of folks my age dealing with rebellious teenagers and prodigal adult children, and I think, “Whew!  I’m glad I’ll never have to deal with that!”  I even voiced this aloud yesterday at lunch with my coworkers.  They were talking about planning, applying, and paying for college and just listening to everything they have to do just wore me out.  When I told them that it’s things like this that makes me grateful I don’t have kids it led to a very open and honest discussion about kids vs. no kids.  I said, “Well, you’re going through these headaches now, but at least you’ll have someone to take of you in your old age.”  They said, “Oh, you can’t even count on that” which is true.  I knew it was a bad statement the minute  it left my mouth, but I was trying to comfort them in an awkward way.  Anyway, it was great, thoughtful conversation, and I think they understood my side somewhat.

So to sum it up…last weekend I’m in the throes of depression about my childlessness and at the end of this week I’m almost relieved to be childless.

Welcome to my life…




6 thoughts on “Dichotomy is Thy Name

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  1. Welcome to the life of a human. I’ve struggled with depression before, and it’s darned hard to get out of. It’s very easy to slide into a bad mood, though. Sometimes you just wake up on the wrong side of the bed, so to speak. Keep working at it, it does make life easier even though it’s hard to keep working on it. I’m glad the rest of your week was better, and on the same subject, too. Hang in there! Virtual hugs.

  2. I’m sorry to hear you are dealing with the double whammy of anxiety and depression … I know that can be a real struggle. I hope the low level malaise will lessen and dissipate almost completely (as you say, a great loss will always be there in some way) and you will enjoy your holidays more again.

  3. Thanks for sharing. It is good to know that someone else feels the same way that I do. I am 46 and I struggle every day….there are good days and awful days and days that I just go through the motions. And there are times when I think, ” gee, I am glad I don’t have kids and don’t have to go through that ( that being whatever event a parent is going through at that time)” And like you, I also wonder about growing older and think about who will be there for us. I have even looked into a retirement community wondering if that might be a good fit for my husband and myself…..boy, that makes me feel old! Just wanted to thank you for sharing and let you know that you are not alone.

  4. Oh, i’m right there with you! I am in deep pain, often, when around families/children or hearing the announcements on Facebook. Yet there are times, much as i still deeply desire a baby/children, when i think about the things i’m so happy NOT to have by not having children. I struggle with this all the time. Sometimes i feel like a sword has divided me. The conflicts don’t even seem to belong to the same person!

    Sending you hugs!

  5. Hi,
    Play cool and know all has a reason and life has balancing factors to all,since i also have two very beautiful kids and no mother to give them motherly love and it makes my head feel like blowing,sorry for us,talks!

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