It’s Been A While…

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…a year and two days exactly since my last post.  A lot has happened and is happening, and God has sent me on a journey that s stretching me in ways that I’ve never been stretched before.  Right now, I cannot go into details for a multitude of reasons.  Hopefully, one day, I’ll be able to blog about what the last year has been like.  All I can say right now is that God is showing me things beyond my imagination.  He’s also giving me strength to live in circumstances I never thought I could.  While my faith has been tested (and is being tested daily) I can honestly say I’m closer to God than I’ve ever been.  Do I have bad days?  Yes, very bad days; however, on those bad days God gives me the encouragement I need to keep going EVERY TIME.  When all you have left is God you realize that all you really need is Him.  I’m stronger in my faith than I’ve ever been even the midst of the greatest pain in my life.

I re-read my last post from May 10, 2012  and realized that it is more relevant to me today than it was a year and two days ago.  It’s not hard to find since it was last post before this, but for your convenience here’s a link:

https://awomanwithoutchildren.wordpress.com/2012/05/10/a-word-of-prayer-with-myself/

Looking back at it I realize God was preparing me for the journey I’m on now and why I had to put my childlessness behind me in order to cope with what I was getting ready to experience.   While my comprehension of my future is fraught with uncertainly I stand on this scripture:

” For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11  NIV

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19 responses »

  1. Vicki,
    I’m so sorry to hear that your strength has been tested again. I so admire the perspective you’re able to take that this new test has somehow enabled you to put your prior test behind you.
    Please know that I am sending all the good wishes I can muster in your direction today.
    Lisa -x-

    • Vicki, I came across your blog last night. I to am on an unexpected journey. I thought my life would include husband, baby, house, etc. I am now divorced, 44, childless. However, I am embracing my life with out children. I am in a relationship with a wonderful man. I own a business and I have returned to college. The journey to get here has been difficult. But, I am happy. I loved your “Just Get Over It” post also. I had to tell myself the same thing. Once I did, I was able to seek the help I needed to do so. I am in a twelve step program which helped. Life With Out Baby has been a HUGE help. Really, it has helped more than anything else. And finding blogs like yours. I recently started my own blog to chronicle my unexpected life. I hope that you will post again soon!

  2. So glad to hear you are back!! I was the one who wrote a sort of harsh post last year, and I was hoping you did not stop writing because of me. So glad you are back. Please keep us updated. **such a pleasant surprise right after Mother’s Day when we need you the MOST! I had went shopping on Sunday, totally forgetting it was Mother’s Day until I heard that dreaded statement: “Happy Mother’s Day…IF you’re a Mother!” And it still knocks me off my feet :(, Anyway, so GLAD you are back! hugs from me

  3. Hello, I am so happy to have found this site. Wish I had found it years ago. I am 62, married, and I do not have children. I went thru so many hard years over it too. I am now mostly on the other side of it. It was a struggle, but with help and age I have made it to a much happier place. Mostly I struggled alone as I felt that I had no one to talk to about it. Most every one I knew was a mom. I had some days so hard I could hardly breathe. I felt like a great snake would come out of the grass and grab me and then squeeze me and pound me hard on the ground over and over, and then slither away. That snake was strong and very unpredictable….I feared and loathed it. I have not seen it for a long time now and I am so relieved. It was very painful. I felt I had a hole in my soul that would never heal. I now know that even deep voids can transform. I dreamed of forming some type of group of women without children. To find others like me who struggled with a different road in life. Women who wanted them but for different reasons never got them. I had a set back day last week, and searched the internet once again for some support and found this site. My set back day was short, thank God, in the past they were LONG long long……but if I had not had it I would not have found this site. I hope I can add to the healing. I am maybe further down the road of dealing with it as I am older than others I see posting. I will be happy to share what I found helpful, along with my many stumbles. I am still surprised at my own healing, I may still have scars, but I have to say I feel happy most of the time now.

    • Blessings to you Becky…glad you found my blog. I haven’t written a lot in a year, but soon hope to be writing more. Sorry you find yourself in the same place as I, but I hope you find some hope and encouragement through my blog.

    • Thank you for posting, and I am soooo glad you found this site. My biggest problem now, is that the house is so empty! When my hubby is working, there is just nothing to do! And no sounds. Do you know what I mean? I play talk shows 100% around just to hear voices in the house. We are 47 and my friend tells me to keep trying for a baby??? It’s so very hard and of course My baby dreams are over.

      • I can understand. Try to get some activities outside the house if you can, especially if you don’t work outside the home. Social outlets are very important. I used to isolate myself from socialization because I couldn’t find women who weren’t mothers, but I finally came to realize that I was only hurting myself. I now have a core group of women who are great friends…they are all mothers. In their forties most women are facing the empty-nest syndrome, and you are in a wonderful position to minister to them, because we all know so well the feeling of an empty nest…we can help them through this time in their life. The best thing for you to do is to look outside yourself and find someone else ot help. You will find as you help others you will also be helping yourself 🙂

  4. Hi Becky, I hope you will get to read this, and Vicki as well. I too have struggled with facing life as a childless woman, feeling like I have that huge hole in me at times. I am 60 next February and happily married since 1982, but still feel I would have been so much happier with the children I always wanted. I was never one of those females who never thought about children until they fancied them one day – my maternal instinct was always very strong – which made it feel so unfair. I looked forward to having my own family from the age of about 3 or 4 onwards! Through my teens and twenties I did the right thing and found a career, but finding the right man to have children with was secretly far more important to me. I married at 25 and we did the sensible thing and saved for a home first, etc (I would have gone straight for the children and lived in a hovel if the decision had been entirely mine). At 28, the year before we finally got started, I had a serious illness, following food poisioning on holiday in Greece. The infection spread to my ovaries and tubes and wrecked them. At 29, we had to visit the gynaecologist to try to get pregnant, various treatments including IVF and 3 operations. Then 2 miscarriages following IVF, one of which meant I bleed continually for 4 months afterwards, one removed by surgery as the baby was dead. I date everything thats ever happened to me, before that day or afterwards.

    I fought an inner battle at that point, whether to carry on living or kill myself, I am being brutally honest. Many times since then, I have regreted the decision to carry on living, many times I’ve been glad I did. We have a very small family, which doesn’t help (I was going to change all that with at least 3 babies, I thought). No nieces or nephews, no cousins or younger generation below our age. As old people die, our family gets even smaller – this depresses me no end, it is so unnatural a life in many ways. We were refused adoption many, many years ago – ironically, because I had suffered depression – related to the infertility etc. It is harder to adopt here in the UK anyway, no private adoption agencies, they’re all govt run by very officious social workers. I have a cat I adore, but I have to stop myself treating her like a child at times, she is not. I have done all the suggested things in life – gone back to college and so on, now teach art in a non profit organisation which is quite fulfilling. But many of my students are mature and suggest at times that I have an easy life with no kids to worry about, I’m sure you know the type of comment. Menopause was hard, hard, hard – it began at 40 (lost last baby at 38) and ended at 47. I have bad days, but mostly good ones now, but probably reflect more on life than most – maybe thats what it does to you? If you want to chat by internet, do get in touch, maybe we can start that organisation of like women in cyber space after all? Take care, Trisha xx

    • Hi Trisha,

      Sorry for all your losses. Yes, maybe you and Becky can connect since you are both around the same age. That is how I have met my now best friend was through a site called CNBC. The website dismantled last year due to the financial reasons; however, they have now transferred over to a Facebook group! If you are on Facebook you can connect with them there. In the groups page type in “Childless Not By Choice” It is a closed private group, but if you will tell them that Vicki Sprouse is recommending you the administrators should let you join. Give them a brief synopsis of your history. They screen people before they let them join so as not to let anyone in that might be there for bad reasons. I left the group not too long ago just becuse I needed to focus on other things and wanted to not think/nor be reminded about my childless state for a while. They are a good support group though, and I highly recommend them.

    • I always thought I would have kids too. I had a few bad relationships and ended up getting married later in life (mid 40’s) to a man who has grown boys and did not want to start over. I felt it was too late for me by then anyways. We married, got a house in the country side, and POW the baby wanting hit more than ever. I had about 10 years of hard struggle. Some days so hard I could hardly breathe. I finally found a healer named Siljoy. I called and started phone sessions. OMG, she helped! I had been to counseling but it seemed so pointless and did not really help at all. Siljoy DID help me. She expanded my view of family and of the world. Now several years later, I am still surprised at the amount of healing and expanding that took place. I would never think it possible. I thought I had a long sad road ahead, and even would envision myself in the nursing home watching other people’s children visit and suffer the stories of endless grand children and great grandchildren……I hear about every ones children at work every day. I felt so deficient, I truly felt I had flunked life. Like Vicky says, it is what God gave us in this life to deal with. I think we are sent here to learn, and we are all given different struggles. This is ours. I was letting it consume me. I was starting to withdraw in a big way, and got sick and tired of feeling so down. I use to be a very happy person. In my search I found the name Siljoy. She helps people heal around the issues of childlessness, I was desperate and willing to pay someone to help me lift my load. But who can help something like this I thought. I called anyways, and she began to talk to me about the way I talk to myself and how I let my thoughts dictate my over all mood and view of myself. Under her help I started to make small changes, and step back and take a slightly different view of things and of myself. The more we talked and the more I really listened and trusted, the more I began to lighten up on myself. My connectedness to the world began to return. I began to heal. Trisha, I would love to chat more. My last name is Karnes and I am on facebook.

      • I also contacted Siljoy (by email), but my financial situation is not where it should be. I’m hoping to land a full time position in my field in the coming year, and then I think I will give her a try. From what I have read, I think I will benefit from her approach. Is there anything in particular, any “aha” moments that you could share from your sessions?

      • Iris D. my best aha moment with Siljoy was when she told meat the start, that I need to ‘allow for a little mystery in my life’ It put a little space around my childlessness, and from there I began to look at myself and my life from a slightly different angle. We can be our own worst enemy and not even realize it. I had been mine for a long time.

    • Hi, I just saw this post today. I so understand what you are saying. I think only the childless really understand. I feel that we are are discounted in ways few realize. To a depth few realize. I am better about it than I was, but it is still something I work on all the time. I think since I am now older and the decision is now sort of ‘ set in stone’, that I will never have my “own” children, I feel a little less pulled apart than I did before. I have healed some. I work on being ‘present’….try to look at the bigger picture, but still. It is such a huge thing. Part of the flow of life, and not having that part of the flow is disruptive and painful to say the least. It’s huge and the echo of it goes on and on. I try to stay objective and realize there are other pains that are similar to this pain. Death of a child, mental illness of a child, tons of behavioral issues in children, heartbreaks I will never know, so I work on what we are in life to do.(another mystery I know!) What I do know is… Life is a visit, we have been given hardships to learn from. I am still working every day on the mystery of it all. I talk about the ‘universe’ in other postings, but God can be put there too. God is another word for it all, the mystery and the power, the beauty and the pain. It is all mixed in there. I am maybe a kinder person for all of this. I would love to communicate more.

  5. Hay Trish, I would love to connect more. I thought I was signed up to get all the new postings by email, but some how I just get parts….I decided to re read a post I put on that must be in a different feed line than this one…I posted another because I did not see that the one above ever posted…I am not the best at navigating web sites.

  6. I feel so incredibly blessed to have found your blog. I’m still in the midst of learning to deal with living without a house full of children. My hubby and I have just celebrated our 12th year of marriage, 10 of which we had been trying to start our family. The realization of the time we had put our lives on hold, so to speak, trying for a child dumbfounded both of us. We would still love to have biological children, but letting go of that yearning has been the most difficult thing for both of us. I will celebrate my 40th in May, and time seems to be more of an issue now than it ever has. I’ve been struggling with being a Christian and not being gifted with children, so I’m glad to have found you!

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